So many perfectly rational, confident women fall victim to “engagement fever.” If they’re of a certain age range, in a relationship for X amount of time, and/or have watched the rest of their friends drop like flies from their single status, the pressure mounts. And before they know what hit them, they find themselves getting “wishful manicures” every Friday after work, gazing longingly at their friends’ rings, and dropping not so subtle hints to their boyfriends over dinner like, “This cheeseburger would taste so much better if I had a huge, gorgeous, sparkly rock on this finger.” And then of course it can get ugly … threats, ultimatums, and regular rants about cows and not getting the milk for free anymore (confusing and rarely effective).

So what causes our marriage sensors to start flaring out of control? According to clinical psychologist, Dr. Ellen Casper, “Women equate engagement and marriage milestones with achieving certain goals in life. Pressure increases when women get close to their own chronological deadlines, and when they experience the achievement of deadlines of their peers.”

The good news is that unlike generations before us, more and more women are getting engaged and married in their late 20s and early 30s. Casper jokes, “Society no longer stereotypes a single 28-year-old woman as a spinster. When I graduated college, if you weren’t engaged you might as well go to an old age home and bring your kittens with you.”

An account executive from LA explains that, “Living with my boyfriend who I love is absolutely wonderful! But at times, I think the pressure to be engaged (from family, friends, and myself) becomes a bit too present. I sometimes forget to just enjoy how special our relationship is now, rather than always focusing on the next step.”

Although her man made his move at just the right time, a newly married publicist from Washington, DC agrees that factors outside the relationship can add to pre-proposal anxiety. “Constant speculation from family, friends, and coworkers about when the big day would happen, how it would occur, what the ring would like, etc. added lots of aggravation to our lives for a few months leading up to it.”

A married woman from Cleveland remembers “annoying the hell out of” her husband before they got engaged. After dating for over five years, she moved in with him under the condition that he’d pop the question within the year. She jokes, “When we had to resign our lease and I was still not engaged, I was not happy to say the least. But he ended up proposing before our 2nd lease technically began, so I got over it.”

Casper advises women to, “Stay in the moment and remind yourself that this is the person you love and are planning to have a future with. Just because you may be going 125 mph, you have to respect that he may be going 60 mph. And if he’s proposing in the traditional way, you have to let it be on his terms. Live in the moment, because living in the future will cause distress and spoil the present.” (So, I guess this means you need to stop leaving pictures of diamonds in his briefcase, and building your own engagement rings on Blue Nile while he’s sitting next to you on the couch.)

Anxious anticipation and self imposed deadlines aside, some women with marriage on the mind face bigger issues … like what do if their partner doesn’t see tying the knot in his future ... ever. Casper helps patients in this predicament by giving them a “what-if” situation. “I leave it up to her to determine what the pros and cons are of staying in a situation that she believes is positive on a feelings level, but may not help her achieve the goal of marrying this person and starting a life.”

Casper also adds that some women struggle because they don’t want to leave a good thing. “But it’s not a good thing if her needs aren’t getting met and she grows angry and resentful. Some people are just marriage avoidant. It doesn’t mean they are bad people. But he may not be the right one for her, if her goal is to be a married person, unless she is willing to give up the marriage goal.”


And when in doubt, talk it out. Casper advises, “If two people love each other, but are feeling stuck, they may need to go to counseling to sort through it together. We want meaningful, productive conversations, not her haranguing him every time he walks in the door.”


It comes down to one simple word ladies: trust. If you’ve had the “talk” with your partner, and know that an engagement is on the horizon, just sit back and have a little faith. Creating unnecessary drama and ultimatums just takes away from the fun and beauty of a once in a lifetime moment. Besides, we all know that he’s not going to have much say over the wedding planning … you might as well give him one thing to be responsible for, right?