Live and Let Date
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Dating Differences
Women and men approach dating from very different places.
Is it just me or does dating seem to get more and not less complicated all the time? I mean, I know men are from Mars and we're from Venus and that 50 is the new 40 so fewer and fewer men want to settle down when they should. But what does that knowledge really give me? And how, pray tell, can that information improve my dating life? According to Lauren Frances, author of Dating, Mating, and Manhandling and a love coach who's worked with Hollywood celebrities like Kate Walsh, the problem most women have when it comes to dating is that we seem unable to simply accept the fact that we don't go about the process the way that men do. We may pay lip service to how we don't want to scare them off or appear too clingy, but we still can't stop what our bodies and minds naturally do.
"Women become spontaneously monogamous," says Frances, a former sex columnist for Flaunt . "They get tunnel vision when it comes to dating. They essentially go on a first date and marry him on the spot in their minds."
While of course that's not true for me (I try to wait until the second date before I'm naming our children), Frances believes that the more we pretend that men and women date the same way, the more frustrated we're going to be.
Men, she believes, have more of a string theory when it comes to amorous adventures. "They have their first string, their second string, and then their romantic replacements that they basically keep on the bench unless the first- and second-string girls become unavailable," asserts Francis, adding that there's no way a woman should take a man seriously until he informs her that he wants to be exclusive.
But what can we do to stop the words "So are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" from leaving our minds and escaping through our lips? It may be harder than some people think because we're only doing what we're biologically programmed to do. "Women release seven times the amount of oxytocin--a hormone that makes you want to bond exclusively to someone--than men do," Frances says. "Plus, we're gatherers and they're hunters. We coo, 'Oh, look at this beautiful, shiny object' while they're still out there hunting."
According to Frances, even that wonderful, caring guy who whispered sweet nothings over a candlelit dinner isn't spending his nights away from you Googling your name and staring off into space in blissful you-centered fantasies. "It's safe to assume," says Frances, "that until he says he's exclusive, he's not."
It isn't all bad news, however. Frances sees online dating as a positive trend for women because it allows us to be in the proactive position--e-mailing men we find attractive and initiating dates just as often as they do. "Many of the typical dating constraints are removed with online dating," Frances says.
So log onto that site and find your man -- but until he claims you as his own, it might be better to have no strings attached.
Anna David
anna@annadavid.com
www.annadavid.com
Is it just me or does dating seem to get more and not less complicated all the time? I mean, I know men are from Mars and we're from Venus and that 50 is the new 40 so fewer and fewer men want to settle down when they should. But what does that knowledge really give me? And how, pray tell, can that information improve my dating life? According to Lauren Frances, author of Dating, Mating, and Manhandling and a love coach who's worked with Hollywood celebrities like Kate Walsh, the problem most women have when it comes to dating is that we seem unable to simply accept the fact that we don't go about the process the way that men do. We may pay lip service to how we don't want to scare them off or appear too clingy, but we still can't stop what our bodies and minds naturally do.
"Women become spontaneously monogamous," says Frances, a former sex columnist for Flaunt . "They get tunnel vision when it comes to dating. They essentially go on a first date and marry him on the spot in their minds."
While of course that's not true for me (I try to wait until the second date before I'm naming our children), Frances believes that the more we pretend that men and women date the same way, the more frustrated we're going to be.
Men, she believes, have more of a string theory when it comes to amorous adventures. "They have their first string, their second string, and then their romantic replacements that they basically keep on the bench unless the first- and second-string girls become unavailable," asserts Francis, adding that there's no way a woman should take a man seriously until he informs her that he wants to be exclusive.
But what can we do to stop the words "So are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" from leaving our minds and escaping through our lips? It may be harder than some people think because we're only doing what we're biologically programmed to do. "Women release seven times the amount of oxytocin--a hormone that makes you want to bond exclusively to someone--than men do," Frances says. "Plus, we're gatherers and they're hunters. We coo, 'Oh, look at this beautiful, shiny object' while they're still out there hunting."
According to Frances, even that wonderful, caring guy who whispered sweet nothings over a candlelit dinner isn't spending his nights away from you Googling your name and staring off into space in blissful you-centered fantasies. "It's safe to assume," says Frances, "that until he says he's exclusive, he's not."
It isn't all bad news, however. Frances sees online dating as a positive trend for women because it allows us to be in the proactive position--e-mailing men we find attractive and initiating dates just as often as they do. "Many of the typical dating constraints are removed with online dating," Frances says.
So log onto that site and find your man -- but until he claims you as his own, it might be better to have no strings attached.
Anna David
anna@annadavid.com
www.annadavid.com
this is a good article. men are from mars and women are from venus. never thought of it that way.
I would love to see the dating thing become more equal. It's okay for men to go out with many women but it's not okay for women to go out with many men. Women have to search for the right companion as well yet when we do, we are thought to be loose, which lessens the chance for us to find mr. right. Women unite and equal that playing field and rebel against what society thinks!