Text and the City

A false sense of intimacy in an intimate setting

By Liza Persky

So here's the thing: texting may be the end of all of us.  I know it's supposed to be a quick and cute way to get closer, but really, I think it's setting us up for being farther apart then ever before. 

I had my first date with Steve last week. I wasn't terribly optimistic, since it was my second date that week with a guy that I met online, and the first one ended after he told me, quite proudly, that he'd lost his virginity at the age of nine. BY CHOICE.  When I expressed my disbelief (and disgust), he claimed that he's always been a "sexual dude."  That pretty much put an end to the night.

So, I met Steve at the bar next to Irving Plaza, where he'd been the night before at a Zero 7 concert. This opened up the perfect first date ice-breaker question: "What's on your iPod?"  It's been asked before and I now have my stock answer: Van Morrison. Rolling Stones. Michael Jackson. Foo Fighters.  I find that these are non-committal choices that make me seem nostalgic, but not dated. (All I know is that's better than the truth: Neil Diamond, Bette Midler, Joni Mitchell and one too many American Idols.) So Steve and I had a nice time. We laughed about old TV shows, online dating and living in New York.  When we left the bar and started walking there was definite chemistry and he told me he'd love to do this again. We had a sexy, non-skanky kiss and he put me in a cab.
 
No sooner did I get in when I heard that all powerful bling bling of an incoming text. "Can't wait for next time.  What are you doing Wednesday?" I texted back, after about 10 minutes of course, that Wednesday was good for me.  That's where it should have ended. Instead, I woke up the next day to a text that said, "I still smell your perfume on my jacket.  It's making me miss you."  Which I then responded, "That was my plan." Cute, flirty, but not too pushy.  Over the course of the next week, leading up to Wednesday, the texting got more sexy and familiar.  

"What u doing?
 "Thinking of you"  
"What r u thinking?"
"Thinking what I want to do to you"
"I miss you"
"Soon.  Very soon."

Let's face it.  Texting let's us say things we would NEVER have the guts, or reason, to say otherwise.  Especially after one date. But we're all so starved for intimacy, we can't help ourselves. The problem is, it's a false sense of intimacy that sets us up to fail.  By the time I met Steve on Wednesday we were poised to have a reunion of epic proportions. The problem was, as I stood outside the restaurant waiting for him, I literally couldn't remember what the guy looked like.  Had you read our texts you'd have thought I'd be waiting for him with our three children, nanny and the family dog.  But, the truth is, I don't know this guy, and once he did arrive, what would have otherwise seemed like a decent date, felt like a letdown.
 
Like something was wrong. "Why aren't we connecting like we did before? Why does this feel forced?" It's because the feelings leading up to this date weren't real. They were what I, and clearly he, wanted to feel.  God knows what would have happened if texting was around in our parents generation. A lot of us may not be here today.  We're living in a time when technology makes everything we want happen faster, but sometimes we need to take a step back.  "Good things come to those who wait" may be a cliché, but it's one our parents would certainly agree with.