Some Assembly Required

On the intricacies of furniture assembly and threesomes.

By Liza Persky

I tend to be a creature of habit.  Same workout routine, same lip gloss, same insistence that one day we'll all agree that there is wisdom to be found in The Bachelor. Often times my resistance to change will cause friends and family to implement the change for me.  After staring for years at my Pier One white wicker end table, which I believe still has a Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler stain on it from college, my friend Mary decided enough was enough and bought me a beautiful, black, modern end table from Crate and Barrel. It arrived in a big brown carton and the note said, "Don't let this stay in the box forever.  I know you. Happy birthday. Love Mary."  That was seven months ago.  It's still in the box.

Nothing puts the fear of God in me more then something that arrives with directions. I take one look at the diagram, or list of tools needed, and I start to sweat.  So, as I opened the box, I realized that this, of course, would be the perfect time to call upon "my boyfriend." If had one.  It's not that I CAN'T figure out how to solve a seemingly complicated task (I once fit a size too BIG skinny jean into a size too SMALL boot), but the truth is I have NO INTEREST in figuring it out. My brain shuts down, much like it does while reading US Magazine.  

Lucky for me that my friend Brad not only had the right tools to help me out, but he had -- for some reason -- an interest in doing it.  I decided that since the odds of me having another straight guy in my apartment again anytime soon were about as good as Rob Schneider making a funny movie, I would take advantage of the situation by asking him a few questions every girl wants to know.  It's straight talk with Brad. 

Me: So Brad, why is it that you actually WANT to do this for me?
Brad: I guess it's an innate, almost primitive sense in men to help make women's lives easier.

Me: So then, why do men do the EXACT opposite and make our lives harder by things like saying they'll call, and then they don't?
Brad: Because women set themselves up for failure by not playing it the right way. It's a numbers game. Instead of focusing on the one guy who doesn't call, keep going.  There will always be those guys, but X guy leads to Y guy who leads to Z guy, who calls when he says he will.

(At this point Brad was starting to veer off into a direction that sounded disturbingly like math, so I shifted gears.)

Me: Would you be turned off if you went on a first date with a girl and then before you had a chance to call her, she called you....twice?!
Brad: It depends on her tone. If she's calling because she really liked me and is impatient to see me again, that's cool. If she calls and seems irritated I haven't called her back yet, I'm out!

Me: Does it matter to guys how many men a woman has slept with?
Brad: Yes!

Me:  Here's a biggie: Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
Brad:  Definitely Aniston. Smarter, funnier, and as far as I know has never worn a vile of blood around her neck.

Me: OK, Brad. Your turn. What's one question you can ask me that all men are dying to ask women?
Brad: Why don't you want to participate in threesomes?

Me: The same reason we don't want to put an end table together: too complicated and we might not have the right tools.

Got a question for Brad? Ask it below!