The Pick Up

Sometimes, a one-liner isn't necessary.

By Liza Persky

It's been slow in the dating department for me and I don't think I can use the holidays as an excuse anymore. I've stretched the "it's the holiday's" excuse all the way until March before. You'd be surprised how many holiday's you can find when you really apply yourself, or when your desperate enough for an excuse as to why your phone hasn't rung.  Every calendar month has an opportunity for a non-dating rationalization.  Last February, when I didn't hear from Anthony, I decided he gave up calling me for Lent.  See how it works?   

Just when I thought all was lost, and I'd have to think of a way to use "Deep Vein Thrombosis Awareness Month" as an excuse for no calls, I got a date. We "met" on Match.com.  He commented that he loved my hair in my profile photo.  I looked at my profile photo and realized the hair in the photo was not the same hair that was on my head.  I needed a haircut. I called my salon and luckily there was an opening the next day.

I don't know about you, but I tend to be a little co-dependant when I'm getting my hair cut (or when I'm breathing) and I just don't feel comfortable reading a magazine when someone is showing me some TLC, especially on my hair! Open-heart surgery would feel less vulnerable.  So, as usual, I thought about what I could say that would lend itself to an easy conversation. For future reference, "How did you meet your fiancé?" should NOT be that question.    The story was SO long, it became one of those situations where the person cutting your hair is so involved telling you the story, that you're not even sure they are paying attention to what they're doing to your hair.   Had I known the story covered seven years I may have changed my conversation topic to, "Where'd you get that pretty charm bracelet?"  The gist of the story was that Ana, who is about 100 pounds overweight, met Pernell at a club. They danced, made out on the dance floor, and he had her half way naked by the end of some Usher song.  I guess I gave her a look because she then said, "Are you judging me for that?"  All I know is this lady was holding a pair of scissors and my bangs in her hand. She could have said, "I then beat six helpless puppies....with a baby seal," and I would have told her they had it coming.  The story escalated to the night they were finally going to have sex. She just knew he was going to be so good in bed that she wouldn't be able to even look at another man ever again. She was very insecure about what to wear, being a plus size woman, and chose some sort of chiffon robe.  He got there, with flowers and wine, they sat on the couch, got a little drunk, started kissing, and then according to her, "the next thing that happened was ALL I remember and the most amazing thing ANY man has EVER done to me.....HE PICKED ME UP!"  That was it. She doesn't remember the sex, the night spent cuddling, the morning after, or even what he looked like naked.

 I have to say, I understand where she's coming from. I can't remember every man I've ever been out with, but I sure as hell remember the ones who picked me up. I have a feeling I'm not alone. Think about the first thing that happens when you arrive at your new home as man and wife.  You get carried over the threshold. And, what scene comes to mind when you think of the epic love story, "Gone With the Wind?" There's even a sport devoted to husbands who can carry their wives through an obstacle course, and you wouldn't believe how happy these women look.

I'm not saying that this is the MOST important thing a man has to offer a woman, but if I do have any men reading this blog, let me give you a little advice: the next time you're trying to think of a pick-up line, you may just want to consider a more literal approach.