The Motherhood Decision

Liza defends her choice to not have kids.

By Liza Persky

I was having dinner the other night with a group of old friends who I hadn't seen since we had all worked together on a small cable show about 10 years ago.  We were going around the table and getting caught up on what we had been doing since then, and were all somewhat horrified that the last time we'd seen each other the world had not yet heard of Paris Hilton and the phrase, "Call me on my landline," didn't make sense, since there were no other options.  

After I filled them in on what I'd been doing since then, which I'm sad to say included my year-by-year recap of what "American Idol" winners I had proudly voted for, it was Andrew's turn to fill us in.  He was still with Beth, who he was dating back then, and they had been married six years now.  It was so weird to think of him being married for that long already, since he seemed like such a baby back then. Meanwhile, he's now 38, which makes me....older: 41 to be exact.  

After he showed us a few recent photos of him and Beth on vacation I looked at him and said, "Ok, I'm gonna ask you the question I'm sure EVERYONE asks you, but, are you and Beth going to have kids?"  He let out a sigh and was about to respond when he stopped himself. He looked at me and said, "Wow.  Actually, that's not the question everyone asks.  They don't ask IF, they ask WHEN?"  He looked shocked, and actually, relieved.   I told him I would never assume anyone was going to have kids.  Maybe that's because I'm most likely not going to have them myself.   And here's the reason:  It's not because I'm single, or because I'm busy, or because I'm unable to for some medical reason.  It's simply because, I don't want them.  There. I said it.  Still with me??  

Whenever I tell people that I don't want kids they look sad for me, and start to question if I'm sure.  If there's anything people should be "sure" about it's whether they ARE going to have kids.  Nobody says, "Are you sure you're making the right choice?" when you decide to get pregnant, or adopt, go through childbirth and then take care of another human being, good or bad, the rest of your life, providing for it, both emotionally and financially. Isn't THAT something one should be sure about?  For me I'm just deciding to live my life the same way I've lived it for 41 years. If I'm not sure how to do that by now, well, then I probably shouldn't be having kids in the first place.  

People are so uncomfortable with the idea of a woman not wanting to have kids.  They always have to make it about something else.  Like, "Some women wait too long and forget to have kids." I may "forget" to pay my cable bill, but I'm pretty sure carrying another human being in my stomach for nine months isn't something I'm gonna "forget to do." Then there's the whole, "Focused on career and was too busy" argument.  Just so we're clear, here's how I spent my day today. I woke up at 10:00, watched "Rachel Ray," went to the gym, followed a soap star home from the supermarket, came home, ate cereal, read Us magazine, Skyped with my sister, and wrote this blog post.  Time is not really my issue.

I wish people would appreciate the fact that some of us have just chosen to do what's right for us. It has nothing to do with them, but for some reason they seem to take it personally.  You'd think with the Octomom, people would start to look at the decision to not have kids a little differently.  Nobody seemed to ask her, "Are you sure?" and look how that worked out.

By the end of dinner we had all shared our stories, and it was great to see each other again.  Andrew gave me a huge hug goodbye and looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you.  This is the first time in a long time I have left a group of friends and not felt like I was some sort of freak because I may not want to have kids." I hugged him, took out my Us magazine, headed for the subway and thought to myself, "My work here is done."