Stress Free Planning

Jess keeps her wedding stress in check with some expert advice.

By Jessica Solloway

This was a pretty slow week on the wedding front, so I decided to do something a little different with my blog. I recently heard about this website called First30days.com, which helps people take on big life changes and make any overwhelming challenge more manageable. And this site happens to have a whole section dedicated to us crazy brides, that focuses on how to get through the ups and downs, stress, and unexpected hiccups that come along with wedding planning. 



I got in touch with the founder of this site (and author) Ariane de Bonvoisin who graciously helped me tackle some of my wedding issues. Here's a little Q & A that will hopefully come in handy for you too!

Q: My fiancé and I have been on the same page with most of our wedding planning. But there have been a few times when I've been stressed and taken it out on him. What is the best way to deal with the craziness of wedding planning, without taking it out on each other?

A: First question, do you get stressed because you do not agree on everything? What is the source of the stress? Finding the source of the stress is the most important thing. Then you can take steps to overcoming stress, which is usually fear in disguise (fear it is not going to work out, fear something will go wrong, fear it will not be perfect, etc.).

If the stress is caused because you do not always agree on things about the wedding, you can divide responsibilities and give each other the space to decide what is best. Agree that you will both surprise each other and that you will accept each other's choices, even if it turns out to be something you dislike. See it as part of a wedding gift you will give each other.

And it is very important that you learn your lesson from this "stress". You will not always be in agreement with your fiancé and it depends how you define disagreements and what your expectations around disagreements are. If you define disagreements as an opportunity to get to know each other better and to grow - then you will learn more patience, acceptance, compassion, and how to communicate your own needs. If the expectations are that you will not be in disagreement and that everything has to look like a Cindarella story, then you are setting yourself up for failure and many stresses. Expect disagreements and expect that you will know how to accept when you have made a mistake and how to make it up.

Q: My parents recently got divorced and my wedding is going to be the first time both sides of my family come together again. I just want the day to be happy and joyful, but I am afraid that aside from normal pre-wedding nerves, I will also be worried about this. What should I do that day (or in advance) about my feelings?

A: The best solution is to send both parents the same message (email/letter) and let them know how sorry you are about the divorce and the situation. However, it is very important for you to know that you have their word that they will both behave in civilized ways and that they will not add to your concerns. Be frank and let them know that you want a happy and joyful wedding and that you are sure they both want the same for you. Ask them to respond to the email and CC everyone. A simple, "I promise you will not have to be concerned," is sufficient and will let the other one know that they are committed to being on their best behavior.

If you can avoid sitting them at the same table and helping them out by not asking them to spend a great deal of time together, that would be a good idea. Let them know your exact expectations and role you want each of them to play.

Q: I have been pretty relaxed so far with wedding planning, but I know it will get a lot more stressful as it gets closer to the big day. Any tips for how to stay calm (and keep things in perspective) as things pick up?

A: Your expectation about getting more stressed is probably where you need to start. There are plenty of people who have planned un-stressful weddings (seldom do you hear about them) and maybe yours could also be un-stressful. Make a list of things you know might upset you closer to the wedding and could create stress. Then delegate to family and friends to make sure they take care of them as the time gets closer. And remember that what happens isn't always "perfect". Your job is to try your best and do your best! The results? That is always in the hands of fate.

Q: Aside from planning a wedding, my life has gone through another big change this year. A couple months ago I moved to a new city to be with my fiance after many years of long distance. However, I have to travel two days a week for work. So, when I am home during the week, I am happy just to stay in with my fiance. But, I know I need to put more effort into making new friends here. How can I balance it all?

A: I would say that you do not need to balance anything, or at least the friend part at this moment. We always think that balance has to happen all at once. And maybe you are doing just the right thing, strengthening the bond between you and your future husband, planning a wedding, and making sure you do a great job at work. Give yourself a break! Once you are married and settled in you can start adding new friends to the "to do" list.

Is it a need you feel from your heart or a "should" that is coming from your mind? If you feel it comes from within, make an effort to find friends 1-2 hours a week. If it's something that comes from the mind and the outside, leave it until you are married.

Wowsa! Lot's of great advice ... thanks Ariane!

For more tips from Ariane on wedding planning (or literally ANYTHING else!) check out her website and new book!