Q: DEAR AMY & JOHN: Help! My boyfriend Steve and I are fighting because of his buddy's upcoming bachelor party. His friend is wild, a notorious party animal, and I heard Steve whispering on the phone, "Yeah, there's gonna be tons of hot girls everywhere." I was furious, but I said nothing. The worst part is, it's for
five whole days in Las Vegas. We both live in New Jersey and I think Steve should offer to take me along too. I dropped a hint, and he just laughed, "Honey, it's a
bachelor party, no women allowed." I don't want him to go, so what can I do?
(submitted by JEND, summarized above)
A: JOHN: First of all, who has a bachelor party for five days?! Even hard-core sexist frat boys find it difficult to indulge in their extreme degradation of women / homoerotic escapades for more than a long weekend. And in
Las Vegas? You know how lousy Las Vegas gets when you run out of money but still have three days left 'til your flight home? Swinger Steve may end up thanking you if you can convince him to stay put in New Jersey; but you probably won't be able to. Sounds like Steve'll have to learn the hard way. And, no, you cannot go with him. Steve has "traditional" male friends who believe, deep down, that "guys-only" events are critical to their sanity and survival. Of course the ringleaders of these groups are never in good relationships themselves. I've been to my share of "guys-only" events and the only ones worth attending are of the "Group Activity Followed by a Meal" variety (GAFM). A baseball game, a round of golf, or even a
single night of casino gambling followed by a good steak dinner offers just the right dose of male bonding for most happy, secure men. No strippers, hookers, or overnight stays are necessary.
Ask him to skip it, or let him learn the hard way.
A: AMY: So Husband, that's your brilliant advice? "Ask him to skip it, or let him learn the hard way." Translation: Don't make any demands on him. Instead, continue being an unhappy wimp, let him do whatever-the-hell he wants, and eventually he'll grow bored of wild parties, hookers, and strippers and you can welcome him back. What?! Don't try that "plan" on me. Truth: The only reason men organize these "guys-only" events is because they're planning on indulging in behavior so barbaric and embarrassing, they don't want their wives or girlfriends to see. It's gross. And what's the appeal for the groom exactly? Binge drink, lose money, then squeeze in one more awkward sexual encounter (and STD!) before he ties the knot? The concept behind the traditional bachelor party is warped: PARTY LIKE IT'S THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE! So what's the message? After you get married you'll never have fun again? I'm all for parties--before, during and after marriage. You need to speak up! Just say, "Steve, I'm not comfortable with the kinds of sleazy behavior that occurs at bachelor parties, so unless we find a satisfactory compromise, it's over." If he chooses the bachelor party over you, small loss. Steve and his buddies sound like a bunch of sexist idiots.
amy is smarter than john
Go Amy.
I'm with Amy...but I also get the more important sense that you don't trust your guy Steve (who is whispering about women being everywhere!!!), which in and of itself is reason to kick his a** to the curb!
I also agree with John that secure, considerate, loving men don't get a kick out of 5 days of debaucherie!
I live in Vegas, and if he doesn't have the cash to flash, you have nothing to worry about. Most of the single women out here tend to be looking for men based on what they can get out of them. Sorry single women in Las Vegas. I don't want to give you a bad rap, but I've heard this story from too many single women here. Also, most of the strippers are not into men but are into taking the men's money and laughing all the way to the bank. Men are stupid when they come to Las Vegas and usually think with their lower head instead of the upper head. So, in essence, put him on a strict budget that allows him to have $100 or less per day and it will be perfectly fine. He won't get anything with that amount, lol. Also, you need to be more secure with yourself and consider that most of the women out here, except me of course, are plastic and fake. If you ask a man, most times he'll tell you that he prefers a more natural women than an enhanced one. They know with that pea sized brain that these enhance women are shallow and only want something for nothing. Hope this helps you with your decision. Just remember STRICT BUDGET!
DUDE.. amy is NOT smarter than john... She's dumb. The girl's going to be out a man. lol
I say, if you don't trust him to behave around his barbaric friends, you don't need to be with him.
My theory is tell him you feel its a lil disrespectful a 5 DAY PARTY what the HELL!!!! However you can't make anybody do anything say it once if he values you and your feelings and the relationship he get it but please note if theres a will there is a way if your guy wants to cheat his FRIENDS DON"T AND CAN"T MAKE HIM you CAN"T prevent it either hes gonna cheat so trust him or voice your feelings and stand by your convictions if he goes theres a saying Whats Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander start looking for a new guy keep your options open and don't be sneaky about it like him right when you know hes made his final decision to go tell him that you all are going to start seeing other people because he dosen't respect your relationship like you do and you feel you can't trust him like you should otherwise if you accept it you have no choice but to trust him untill you see proof that you shouldn't
Either you trust your boyfriend, or you don't. If he's done/said things in the past that make you suspicious or he's the type to follow whatever his friends do, maybe this is a good time to move on.
OK, first of all, the only time the men want anything "Traditional" out of a wedding is when it comes to the bachelor party. I do agree there are some men who laugh off the idea and do it out of respect for their friends, those are the secure ones. Then, there are those who still expect the traditional strippers, easy women and lots of alcohol. Anyone who drinks knows that this is a bad combination, regardless of the reason for the party, add the jealous GUY friend who is not married and not happy, and you have a mixture that is a possible busted yoke, if you know what I mean. OK, so now to give advice... it's not fair that the woman feels a little less than comfortable with a bachelor party... I understand a night out with the guys, but 5 days in Vegas?? Come on... that's silly and unfair. If you choose to be the "Strong" woman, then agree with him and let him know that the same 5 days you will be in Cancun Mexico with your bridal party, and then see how fast he changes his mind about Vegas. It sucks to play games, but guess what? Life is full of 'em even in a relationship, as long as it's a healthy relationship, it keeps both, on their toes. So, don't let him just get away with it now 'cause of his friends..... he'll remember that in the future and WILL use it against you.
PS I am happily married and my husband never wanted a bachelor party...
I agree absolutely with Amy on this! I have a situation coming up this summer it's not a Bachelor Party in Vegas but it is a Pool League tournament in Las Vegas a whole weekend. Now originally when I learned about this, it was before I got pregnant with my daughter. So we were planning that I was going to be going with him if his team qualified. But now we had our daughter & I am breastfeeding her until she weans herself, so I will not be able to attend this weekend event. And as unproud of this I am, he has cheated on me before about 1yr into our relationship & we are going on 3yrs totalled in a few months. So I still have anxiety & insecurities about the cheating issues. Afraid that he may be very tempted by the whole idea of a one night stand & me never finding out bc are the guys that are going actually going to tell me that he did wrong?? NO I don't think they will! SO what am I to do? I hate giving him the ultimatum that if he goes then we're over & to not come home but that seems like the best solution to me. He does actually love & enjoy shooting pool & playing for the league so thats why I hate giving him that ultimatum, but what about me?? Am I supposed to worry the whole weekend about if he is sleeping around? He is right about that obviously I don't really trust him, as much as I want to fully trust him, I just can't bc him cheating on me had a very big impact & it still hurts. I have not had any closure to it from him. Sometimes I wonder why I allowed for us to get back together after the cheating (broke up for about 1-2 months). I know one reason is because I truly love him like I have never loved before. I tried dating other guys & cried all the time bc I couldn't stop thinking about him. I'd look at the other guys & see him! lol Ok so anyways yeah so I know how this woman feels! Sorry for getting a lil off topic!
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First of all, have you ever talked to a girlfriend about how "cute that guy's rear end is"? How do you know his conversation on the phone wasn't just BS that we ALL do at times. I've been married for 37 years. Five days in Vegas seems like a long time, but the lady above who talked about putting him on an allowance (sort of) had the right idea. Not enough cash to get into too much trouble, but you have to really trust someone to be in a relationship with them. Unless you have proof he's strayed before, even though it's scary, you have to show him a certain amount of trust. Without trust, your relationship is "finished" anyway.
That being said, you might drop a hint to him about how sex may change for him once he gets back. Most couples after a certain amount of time may discontinue the use of condoms, and just use birth control. If that's the case, tell him you trust him, but protecting yourself (he'll be around people who are involved in risky behavior) is an important issue to you, so he'll have to go back to, or start using condoms to.
He get's to make the choice.
If he does go, follow through!
I agree with Amy. I am honestly a pretty sweet person in general, but I am flat out evil when it comes to other women around my guy. I have actually had the same problem with my guy wanting to go to a bachelor party I told him that if he wants to have naked woman dance for him at some disgusting strip club than he is NOT the classy kind of guy I thought he was for the past year and a half, and he should go ahead and go and pick up his stuff off of the lawn. Later on when the subject came up again, I told him "Fine you can go, but take me along with you and I'll see if they are hiring." It kind of freaked him out to think of guys looking at me that way, and I made my point, Strip clubs are frequented by the kind of people my honey dosent want me around and the kind of poeple I don't want him around. In the end I won. But he and I ended up doing something together so it looked to his buddies that he already had plans and not like his rolling-pin girl friend forbid him from going.
I agree absolutely with Amy on this! However, unless you have proof he's strayed before, even though it's scary, you have to show him a certain amount of trust. Though as Amy said in her dating advice, you need to speak up!