Is Compatibility a Crock?

What really makes someone a perfect match

AMY: I hope I'm not jinxing us, but here goes. John and I have been very happily married since 2006.

Big deal, you're thinking; that's only two damn years.

Okay, fine, we're not exactly Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. (By the way, they've been married since 1958--that's 50 years!) But don't forget, we were engaged for over five years before our wedding. (I certainly didn't want to rush into anything.) Also, we met in the nineties in college, and have been on-again, off-again dating ever since. Wanna hear something weird? Sometimes, I actually miss the drama and the sexy uncertainty of the on-again, off-again days--better save this confession for a future blog.

Bottom line: No matter how you slice it, John and I have been a couple longer than average.

Back to my point...what's my point? Oh yeah, as a two-year marriage veteran, and therefore a love expert, I'd like to pass on some romantic wisdom for all the singles out there: STOP SEARCHING FOR YOUR TWIN.

Just look at us; opposites really do attract. In fact, I know if John and I filled out some of those online dating personality questionnaires, with hundreds of stupid questions, we'd never, ever be matched up.

The problem is, when you're single, friends are always eager to set you up with seemingly compatible matches, although I think--generally speaking--they enjoy watching their single friends suffer and squirm. In most cases, set-ups are just sick social experiments marketed as good deeds.

It all starts with something like this: "I have a guy who's perfect for you; he's an accountant like you, lives in your neighborhood--on your very block!--loves Mexican food like you, and even drives a Toyota Camry, just like you!"

You politely smile, try to look appreciative and interested, but you're thinking, "On my block?! Too close...and I hate everything about myself and my entire life, so why would I want someone just like me?"

John and I have almost nothing in common; that's what keeps sparks flying after all these years. Am I right?

JOHN: No, I respectfully disagree. In fact, our tastes and interests are quite similar; it's because we both like Mexican food and the same neighborhood that we've been together for so long.

(And I'd be willing to bet that we'd both be thrilled to own a reliable Toyota Camry.)

Like many people, Amy is confusing common interests with personality types. When she says opposites attract, what she really means is that complementary personality types attract. Amy is a self-assured, passionate, and ambitious person with strong opinions about nearly everything. I, on the other hand, tend to be less confident, less opinionated, and less ambitious. I'm attracted to Amy because I want to be more like her. I'm attracted to her personality type. And vice-versa. There is something in my personality (open-mindedness, the ability to forgive, faith in mankind) that is less present in Amy's and therefore she is attracted to me and my pushover vibe.

BUT...

I would've never even bothered with Amy if she were a jazz-loving vegetarian who hated New York City. Sharing at least a few core common interests is critical. Now Amy insists Falling In Love is a good movie, so we may wind up getting divorced eventually, but she agrees with me on many other things and that's the point. We enjoy spending time together because we have many common interests and we can stand continuing to spend time together because we have complimentary personality types. I think you need both.

Here's another point: Two people can have nearly identical interests, but if their personalities are too similar, they're doomed. For example, let's say two people meet and they can't believe how much they have in common. They both love the exact same things across the board, and both of them are accommodating, giving types who are open-minded and tolerant. They may get along great for a while, indulging in their common interests and reveling in their like-mindedness but, one day, the conversation goes like this: "What would you like to do today, dear?" and the other one responds "I don't know, what would you like to do?" and the first says "Well, we can do whatever you want." And the other one says, "Whatever you want to do is fine by me." And all of a sudden, they're both quietly fantasizing about suicide.

AMY: What are you talking about? I don't even like Mexican food. Who are you?