Amy vs. John
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Q&A Therapy Before The Big Day?
DEAR AMY & JOHN: I'm finally taking the plunge with my fiancé Brian. I'm so excited about our big wedding, but I'm also worried because my parents are divorced, and his parents (although still together) fight non-stop, and should definitely be divorced too. My best friend suggested a great couples therapist who specializes in pre-marriage counseling. I mentioned it, but Brian got really upset, saying, "C'mon, I don't believe in that crap...nothing's wrong, so why do you want to start trouble?" Still, I think it might help us start things off on the right foot, so should I keep pushing him?
(submitted by Suma21, summarized above)
A: JOHN: Amy's fear of therapy is trumped only by her "thriftiness." So the idea of pre-emptive professional marriage counseling literally knocks the wind out of her. I think I mentioned premarital counseling to Amy around year four of our engagement, but her maniacal laugh and blazing stare scared me straight. I'm as open-minded and terrible with money as the next guy, but even I feel like premarital counseling is for engaged couples who've hit a "rough patch" and are already considering calling it quits. If you and Brian are getting along well, and always have, what will counseling achieve exactly? Marriage is tough as it is. Why create problems in advance? I say, save the counseling for when you're seriously doubting the relationship--you know, in a year or two.
Probably the most inane advise I've ever read. The time for therapy is when there are no hurt feelings or jaded hearts. It's a time to open up with honesty.
Go to therapy, reveal your fears, your likes, your dislikes and discuss how the two will handle the obstacles marriage will bring you. Then when these do arise you will have a basis to draw from.
Don't listen to these two narcissistic people. My wife & I have been married for 18 years. We went to counseling in 1990 before we took the plunge. It has helped us in ways I cannot explain.
Amy honey anyone that tells you that couples therapy is a waste of time has probably been divorced a couple of times themselves or are the product of one that ended badly. You dont have to spend a lot of money to see a therapist or a specialist I agree with that much. However you should spend a day or two with the minister or justice of the peace that is performing your ceremony. Some and from my knowledge most ministers require that they meet a couple and talk with them before marrying them. Its a good policy to make sure you are both on the same page before they help to committ two lives together forever. Marriage is supposed to be forever and they know that. Or if you want to take an even more casual approach talk to some of your married friends. Not your parents obviously, but those who you both...and I stress BOTH of you feel have the kind of marriage you want. Ask them what their secrets are. Go out with them in a group a little more often. That will give you an idea of what marital interaction is like. People do change after marriage and since this is supposed to be a forever thing in this I dont as soon as he gets on my nerves society. Consider that a marriage counselor may not be able to tell you if you are the perfect match or if it will last 60 years but they can let you know what to do to avoid the things that could put a strain on a marriage. They could help solve issues that may end your honeymoon phase a little faster than you may like. So it is not a complete waste of time. It is simply ment to make sure the couple is truly ready to make such a serious committment and knows what marriage details. Given your parents past I dont see the harm in just one visit with the minister or married couple. Oh yeah I would like to clarify that the married couple should be a seasoned married couple with at least 5 years under their belts. Why would talking to someone about how to make sure your marriage has all the tools and advantages it could be a bad thing. discuss with your fiancee first what you want you are both okay discussing with this person and both of you remain on the same page for the rest of your lives and no "trouble" gets stirred up. Its not that big a deal but counseling is just another tool to a successful marriage and does not have to cost an arm and a leg. It should not be viewed as marriage counseling or couples therapy. You two are no where near that. You could also be learning from the mistakes in both your parent's marriages. Best of luck to the both of you.
Wow Amy and John, it seems like you've hit a nerve with the American Psychiatric Association here. Maybe the next time you are buying a car, or choosing between a glazed raised, or a cruller you'd better call your shrink and have a phone session to talk you down.
When I was contemplating marriage a friend told me it was the biggest leap of faith I'd ever take. Very poignant and very true. My wife and I printed out and online questionnaire, actually an online pre-cana and both filled it out and compared notes. It was cheesy, and hilarious (they asked questions like, do you like to travel? Does your fiance like to travel?... If you don't know that about him... I hope your bastard child isn't judged to harshly... in fairness, it also asked important ones like, do you both want kids) but it helped sate whatever pressure we felt to 'counsel.' And yes being on the "same page"... and communicating that you are on the same page is all that really matters, but counseling... frankly, nothing, guarantees that you two always will be on the same page. Again, leap of faith.
So think about it, talk about it, ask a few big questions of each other (kids? career? where to live? money?) and then, if you both still want to, and only you'll know... leap.
I Think before you get married be sure about it before you jump into Marriage and make sure you really know that person I been with myboyfriend allmost five years now i was married before for three years and iam not in a hurry to get married again I think you should go to Mister and think things out before you get married some times marriage changes people and they turn out to be not the person you met.
I agree with actingcamp. Something like an online questionaire might be a good compromise. Considering pre-marital counseling doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship. It can give you insights and tips on dealing with issues both now and 20 years down the road.