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My Best Friend Wants To Set Me Up With Her Fat Brother--Do I Have To Say Yes?

Q: IS IT RUDE TO REJECT MY BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER?

Dear Amy vs. John: I love my best friend (let's call her "Suzy") to death. We met in college; our kids are friends; we work together; and she really helped me through my terrible divorce three years ago. Recently, I was complaining to her about all the jerks I've been dating, when she suddenly blurts out, "Oh my God!! I've got the best idea; my big brother Ed's single again--I'm setting you guys up." Before I knew it, Ed was calling me, leaving annoying messages. Ed's not my type. In fact, he looks dirty and he's very overweight. What should I say to "Suzy"?

(submitted by Pinkie summarized above)

A: Amy: Wow--this is a tough one. Saying: "How dare you set me up with your stinky fatso brother!" probably won't go over too well. And unfortunately you can't use the "I'm just not ready to date so soon after my divorce" speech because you've been blabbing about "all the jerks" you've been meeting lately. Sorry, it looks like you're stuck Pinkie. Wait--how about a little white lie to squirm out of this mess? I know it's not exactly ethical per se, but the truth will certainly hurt "Suzy," and her brother's feelings, right? (Plus, it'll reveal what a superficial creep you are.) I suggest you make up something like this: "Guess what? I just met a really nice guy at the supermarket, so we had lunch, and now I'm really excited about seeing him again." When "Suzy" asks, "But what about ED?" just say, "Ed's such a fantastic guy, but the timing's not right, now that I'm dating someone...thanks for thinking of me though." Harmless little white lie, no feelings hurt--the problem's solved! In a few weeks, it'll all blow over, and hopefully chubby Ed will be phoning someone else.

A: The problem with Amy's plan is that a lie begets a lie, which in turn begets another lie. What'll you do when your best friend wants to meet this mystery supermarket man? She's your best friend. Inevitably she's going to ask you questions about this new guy you're dating. Who needs the stress of constantly concocting one phony detail after another? The smartest plan is to just tell "Suzy" point blank that you don't have "romantic feelings" for her brother. If she's really your best friend, she'll back off. That being said, you obviously wrote in to us to avoid relying on your best friend's understanding, so here's a better cop out than Amy's. Go on a date with Ed and just act crazy! Get really drunk and loud at the restaurant. Hit on the waiter. Use lots of foul language and chew with your mouth open. Develop a particularly grating laugh. (Don't snort though, you don't want to overdo it and have him catch on.) Act just disgusting enough to make Ed never want to see you again. You'll avoid hurting Ed's feelings and you'll be as free as a bird!