Listen Or Pay Up!

When Amy catches John not listening to her, he has to fork over 20 bucks!

AMY RULE--EACH TIME I CATCH JOHN NOT LISTENING TO ME, HE HAS TO GIVE ME $20.

It's infuriating--and even worse--it's such a dumb relationship stereotype.

(I've seen tons of stupid beer commercials making light of the fact that men rarely listen when their wives speak, which by the way, is both rude and sexist!)

Unfortunately it still happens though--at least in this bogus marriage. Here's a sample incident:

[Let's set the scene--we're sitting on our sofa, in front of the TV. I'm typing away on my laptop. Meanwhile, John's eating his dark purple tortilla chips and guacamole (dropping about half of the chips onto the damn carpet!) while poring over a new issue of one of his favorite magazines--possibly Popular Mechanics, Boating World, Popular Science or Wired. He's in John heaven. He's just a lazy slob--plain and simple--but he likes to call this activity, "unwinding."]

Me: (pointing at CNN "Breaking News") Oh my God--look at that crazy flood!  Look now! Did you see that huge house just float away, with the little dog still standing on the roof?!

John: (nose in magazine, never even looks up) Yeah, flood...that's awful.

Me: (roll my eyes) So my mother called and said you left your green striped T-shirt at her house last weekend. Did you even notice it was missing? Guess what? My sister's taking her on a week-long cruise to Alaska next month.  Doesn't that sound amazing? 

John: Yeah. 

Me: Yeah what?

John: (finally looks up, nervous) Yeah...what you just said?

Me: What did I just say?

John: (trapped) Something about a flood...right?

Me: Yeah, like ten conversations ago!! I was just talking about Alaska moron!

John: (trying to sweet talk his way out of trouble, as usual) Alaska? It's supposed to be beautiful; maybe I should take you there, huh?

Me: Nice try jerk--I caught you again!--you know the rules: PAY UP!!

John takes the $20 out of his wallet and hands it over.

Sadly, I've already collected about $800, and we've only been married since 2006.  Oh well, my next husband will be better.

JOHN: Let me begin by pointing out, I don't even read Boating World--so who's the one not paying attention? And $800 is just a flat-out lie. It's more like $60.

The truth is, about a year ago, Amy caught me not listening to her twice in the same week.

The first time it happened, I was working on my computer while Amy was watching TV. She mumbled something--to herself--in an offhand way about looking forward to watching some "reunion" episode of  "The Real Housewives of New York."

When I failed to allow her virtual whispers to distract me from my intense train of thought (as I recall, I was writing a critical email for something vital to OUR livelihood), she freaked out, giving me the 3rd degree about what she had just said.

Of course I desperately tried to recollect at least some of her words, but I only got about 30%. Amy read me the riot act. Then, about three days later, the exact same thing happened. Needless to say, Amy became even more enraged. So, in the course of our ensuing argument/screaming match, I came up with this $20 penalty system whereby I would pay her $20 each time I was "caught" not listening to her.

However, contrary to what Amy would have you believe, I am not the only one guilty of this crime. Amy, herself, frequently ignores my questions or comments when she's reading Gawker.com or watching Keane videos on YouTube.

But Amy doesn't even pretend to have been listening. In fact, she often yells at me for bothering her with something so trivial as pointing out that she doesn't listen to me. And guess what else--She never pays the $20!

Not listening to your significant other is a nasty habit that too many of us fall into as we settle into the routine of our relationships. I agree that not listening to one's spouse while he/she is speaking is extremely disrespectful and hurtful. So the $20 rule is probably a good, healthy way for couples to train themselves to pay attention.