Competition as Foreplay

Heat things up with a sweaty tennis match.

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

JOHN: The other day I noticed a young husband and wife walk onto a tennis court and proceed to really go at it. They were both excellent players, and it was difficult to determine who was better. It was as if they were acting in one of those "Michelob Ultra Light" beer commercials. Was it competitive tennis? Was it foreplay?  Whatever it was, I was jealous.

I took up tennis just a couple of years ago, so I'm still not very good, but I keep thinking that if I only had a wife who was great at tennis, I could play all the time and I could get better. And I could be having fun with my wife at the same time! How great would that be?

Every now and then I hint at this to Amy, but she dismisses the idea. "Haven't you played enough games?" "Shouldn't you be concentrating on getting a better job?" "I played tennis with my ex-boyfriend on his private home court. It's only good if you have your own court," etc.

Amy's very athletic and coordinated. If she wanted to, she could get good at tennis in a matter of weeks. But she hates any activity that entails a beginner phase. If she's not an expert in the first 20 minutes, she's not interested. So do I just give up on this fantasy? I'm sure there are dozens of skills Amy wishes I had, but I feel like if she told me which ones they were, I'd give them a try.

It just seems to me that a couple who can really compete with each other on a tennis court (or in any sport) has an added dimension to their relationship.

AMY: Yeah, yeah. You've mentioned about a million times that you'd love for me to waste the rest of my life improving my stupid tennis game. (As if I've got nothing better to do.) You say I should try to get strong enough to be a serious competitor for a gifted athlete like you (which is pretty funny given the fact that despite your regular playing, and even professional lessons, you're only slightly better than me).

Truth is, John--I love you, but my mother's right: You love games and you're immature. 

Forget boring grown-up concerns like bills, babies, mortgages, and careers. That's no fun! You'd be perfectly content spending the rest of your life going from one exciting new hobby or sport to the next. Right now it's tennis, just because you've been watching it on TV and you just charged a bunch of really cool tennis clothes just like Roger Federer's.

But in the past, you've done the same thing with surfing (remember that ridiculous $175 wet suit?!), skiing, marathon running, and even wind-surfing. (I'm just thankful you haven't taken up golf yet--yuck.) You're just a modern man of leisure! Sometimes I feel like I'm married to a 14-year-old boy with attention deficit disorder.

I'm getting off track here. (And honestly, I don't mind any of it because John's pursuit of endless fun is probably much wiser than my uptight, stressed-out approach to life...that's why I married him.)

My real point here is that I do agree that competition is extremely healthy in a romantic relationship. It's a turn-on for me, no question. And doing any athletic activity is certainly healthy and fun for any couple.

So sure--why not?--I'll try and squeeze some more tennis into my schedule this summer, if it'll make you happy. (I could certainly use the exercise, and I look pretty damn good in white.)

But be careful what you wish for. What if I get really good, even better than you? After all, I am younger. Could you stand the humiliation of your wife decimating you in a sport?

Okay, fine, you're on....