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Cheapskate Maid Of Honor
Why should I have to pay for my cheapskate maid of honor?
Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: I'm so fed up with my nightmare maid of
honor, I want to kick her out of my wedding! I'm having a destination wedding
in the
(Submitted by madmat; summarized above)
A: AMY: Neither is your frustrated maid of honor! I don't care what any of those stupid wedding etiquette books may say. It's very rude and inconsiderate (and tacky!) for the bride and groom to selfishly plan a lavish destination wedding without even considering the enormous financial burden on their innocent guests. Shouldn't you--at the very least--be paying for your attendants? Like so many obnoxious brides, you're just caught up in the dizzy whirlwind of your dream beach wedding, complete with white sand, turquoise water, sunsets, seashells, parrots, etc. But have you ever--even once!--thought about your guests?! They don't necessarily want to dip into their 401(K) just to be part of your dopey fantasy. We guests might like you, but we don't need (or want!) to be on your honeymoon with you! I say the proper thing to do with destination weddings--if possible--is for the bride and groom to splurge for all expenses. Sure, it's extremely expensive, but it's a very classy move indeed. (It certainly puts your happy guests in the mood to give nicer wedding gifts.) Most semidecent couples offer to pay for either the lodging or the airfare, which is better than nothing, I suppose. I bet your maid of honor isn't your only guest who's annoyed by your pricey wedding; she's just the only one who had the guts to say it to your face. Sorry.
A: JOHN: Once again, someone is learning the hard way that the more elaborate (and expensive) the wedding plans, the more anger, jealousy, resentment, and anxiety all around. Why do people do this to themselves? I don't care how wealthy a circle you run in, you can't expect all 92 guests to be excited to spend several thousand dollars on your dream wedding. I hate to say it, but I agree with Amy here. If she's your maid of honor, why not honor her a little bit and buy her a damn plane ticket!
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Both of you are being really unfair to the bride if her maid of honor accepted the position knowing it was going to be a destination wedding then she knew there would be a certain amout of expense. If she knew she couldnt afford it she should have declined the offer. To be in the wedding and its not wrong that she should except people to pay for thier own tickest if they can afford to come dont come.
I actually agree with all of the above. I agree with Amy and John that the bride was being selfish in not understanding other guests' financial situation for coming to her lavish wedding, however she knew when she excepted the title that she would have to pay for all of her own hotel, travel, etc expenses. She should have looked at her finances and accepted or declined the offer. Yes the bride was being alittle selfish, brides tend to get that way sometimes. But we all know what the Maid Of Honor title requires. It just so happened that it was a destination wedding, the rules/etiquette still apply. The bride has a right to be alittle disappointed that the MOH is bailing, but the MOH should have manned up and said she couldnt afford it in the beginning. Honesty people, honesty!!!
The MOH probably new when she was asked that it was a destination wedding in the Bahamas and usually that means you pay your way unless of course it's a Donald Trump wedding. Come on let's get real she knew she couldn't afford it so she should have declined the offer up front explaining why, that would at least have let the bride and groom know up front, not wait until it got as far as it did. I'm having a destination wedding also and though it's not the Bahamas I cannot afford to pay for everyone's way and my wedding party has been more than comfortable with that. I hope the bride can find someone else to step in to the MOH shoes. On another note, I'm surprised with Amy's attitude that anyone would have wanted to be in her wedding period!
I actually feel that all points made are very valid. The bride is being selfish...lighten up a bit. However, at whichever point the MOH learned that the wedding was to be a destination wedding, she should have been HONEST and declined altogether. But Bride-to-Be, I think it is awesome that you helped pay for her dress, because $400 for a bridesmaid dress is an awful lot.
Most brides dream of the most beautiful wedding that anyone can imagine. They want all of this and want money and they do not think of the expense it is costing the guest or there bridal parties.
So all points are being made. However: When you chose that type of wedding, you are saying you have the money to spend. Your not going to make a dime back. Cause with air fare, hotel and transporation and food. It will cost your guest and bridal party a good penny. Amy you and your soon to be hubby should have chosen city hall and had a big reception afterwards!
Cheapskate MOH? What about cheapskate BRIDE?? "Accepting" the responsibilities of being a MOH (I will be one in March) such as planning the shower/bachelorette party, being there to comfort the bride, and even paying for whatever extravagant dress she chooses is acceptable. But being forced to pay a couple thousand for someone elses wedding?? That's ludacris! Stop being so selfish and TACKY and hauck up the change. If you can't afford your own wedding, why are you placing the burden on your guests? Rude Rude RUDE.
Well I had a MOH that didnt want to do what she was suppose to either and I was the one that had to do all the traveling! I live in MD and our wedding was back in our hometown in CT. My MOH did absolutely nothing. My mother made my bridal shower. I paid for her dress and shoes (I didnt pick out an expensive dress either.) And she had no idea about what a MOH did. One of my other bridesmaids actually had to fan out my train at the alter, etc.
So I think sometimes people accept because they either A) want the attention or B) feel like if they decline that they might hurt the brides feelings.
So if she couldnt afford it, then she should of said so. She was chosen in that position because the bride felt she was close to her. So if that is the case, then she should of been upfront!
And if she was so selfish she wouldnt of coughed up the money for the dress! So I say the MOH better suck it up or tell the bride to find someone else!
I agree with both Amy & John, being both a bride and an attendent, I am aware of both cost. If you wish to have a destination wedding, then you should at least pay for the airfare or hotel room for your guests. You are the one that wants them there to help you celebrate your day, not worrying about how their finances.
And to JessNolefsu, when accepting the attendent position it doesn't mean you are aware of all the brides' choices prior to saying yes. I have seen reasonable, money conscious women turn into bridezillas that want only care about having extremely lavish weddings no matter how much others have to shell out.
May I suggest an appearance on Bridezillas? It seems you think you belong on Platinum Weddings; however, those brides are gracious and considerate of their attendees and guests. Their aim is that their guests "have a wonderful and memorable time," not that everyone fall in line when they stomp their feet.
Your MOH said she can't afford it! Did you ever consider that she really can't afford it, instead of insisting she is just cheap? How "cheap" is a person who can't or doesn't wish to fork over $2400+ for *your* day? Maybe she's trying to save up for her own big day.
First time wedding attendants often have no idea what they are getting into when they consent to the "honor," especially not in these days, and most especially not for a destination wedding where all the expensive choices are the bride's to make.
First, you chose ridiculously expensive bridesmaid's dresses, and then you expect her to fork over upwards of $2000 just to get to *your* dream destination. You are blinded by your fantasy and expect too much.
MOH are supposed to help you plan and carry out your wedding, be witnesses to your vows, and share in your happiness, but not go broke in the process of just arriving on the scene.
Kick her out of your wedding. You'll be doing her a huge favor.
If the bride wants a fantasy destination wedding, I say let her have it. All of the guests coming know that the couple hosting the wedding are not the Trumps or the Hiltons so they know that they will have to pay their own travel and lodging expenses to attend the wedding. And as far as "your guests should not pay for your wedding" comment... they arent paying for the wedding. People host weddings in their hometown all the time and always have out of town guests that pay their own travel and lodging. The only difference in a destination wedding is not only are all of the guests from out of town so are the bridal party and bride and groom. The couple should just prepare to not recieve any extravagant gift and just be happy their guests are able to attend. Afterall, there is a reply card...the guests will use it. That will let you know who can come and who cant. And also, send a save the date 9-12 months in advance with the destination location so that guests can save to attend. And last but not least no one is being a cheapskate...everyone pockets are different, which is why the MOH should have been honest before accepting her title. But I have to admit...a $430 for a bridesmaids dress, I hope she can wear it again.
If she cares enough about this person to ask her to be the MOH, then she cares enough that she would want her there so I say the bride should fork over the money. The MOH is for being there and doing the little things to make the bride's life easier and not for being taken advantage of and asking this person to spend their life savings in order to cater to the bride. I think that's a little selfish of the bride even though I do agree that is the MOH was told in advance everything she would have to pay for and knew she couldn't afford it, she should have been very upfront in the beginning before it got to this fiasco. Or, maybe the parents of the couple to be bethrothed could pitch in and pay for both the MOH and best man as a wedding gift to them. Weddings are such a waste of money anyway. Be more frugal and use the money you would use for a wedding to buy your first house or if you have a house already, buy things for the house. My husband and I eloped in Las Vegas (total cost of wedding $105) and used the other 30K to put down on our dream home, a nice 4 bd, 3 ba home with a pool. I'd rather enjoy something for a lifetime than for just one day. Plus you save the headache of all that planning!
Yeah, I agree with most here that the bride is being extremely selfish! I think she is just thinking too much about herself and what she wants and not about others. If you choose your friend as MOH, I suppose she is dear to you...and you hate her now because of this? I mean...that doesn't say a lot about you. All you care about is your perfect wedding and perfect everything and when someone can't afford it...then you hate them? Why should your MOH fork over the money to make you happy? Why don't YOU fork over the money to make her happy instead!? Have you ever thought about that?! I think its ridiculous to hate your MOH for not being able to afford your dream wedding....what kinda friend are you?
When the MOH was informed of the wedding plans, she knew then that it was going to be expensive. That's when she should have spoken up and declined if she knew she couldn't afford it. I don't think the Bride is being selfish at all. She simply informed her invited guests of their plans, and it's up to the guests to either accept it and have a wonderful vacation, or decline and wish them all the best. A wedding is the Bride & Groom's day and is about THEM, not pleasing everyone else. Guests aren't forced to go, they choose to go and choosing to attend a destination, is choosing to foot your own bill. I think it was considerate for the Bride to pay for half the dress, because $400 is too much for a bridesmaid dress.
Firstly, the first response was moronic. Traditional weddings are DEAD. Sure, those who grew up in Brooklyn and saw 60 of their friends get nmarried wouldn't thinik of leaving home but we are living in the EXPERIENCE economy. People want a stroy to tell! You remeber just two weddings attended- the best one and the worst one and everything in between is forgotten. I don't really think the Bride is being unreasonable at all. But she was being short sighted. A simple solution would have been to anticipate at least 12 "hardship" cases and the couple could have funded their trip with a heavy subsidy. Now everyone is happy and the bride and groom can have the wedding exactly the way they want...as it should be. In any case the wedding party would have had to fly somoewhere and get a hotel and would have incurred expenses anyway. what noone has mentioned here is that the well planned destination wedding is NOT a drain on one's expenses but quite the opposite. If I have to spend money, perhaps thousands of dollars to go to Boston where I would never want to go unless the wedding brought me there, I would be arther upset my time and financial resources were taxed for such a trip. BUT, if I could go to the Bahamas and theere was avacation built in and a wedding broke out, and better yet, it was subsidized by a few parties and meals paid by the Bride and Groom, well that is a different matter. I just received a vaction in a spot I was happy to go, saw my dear freinds get ammried and saved vacation money. Not a bad day at the races.