Name Change? No Thanks!

Who says a bride should take her husband's name?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  My husband John and I have different last names. Why? It's simple. I love my name. I'm attached it; and I'm not going to change it for anything, or anyone. Period.

So while reading the recent WEtv.com article, "Name Change 101," I wondered how many brides were still adopting their husband's last name -- without even considering other options. ANSWER: According to About.com's Weddings Guide, about 60 to 80 percent of brides still take his last name. Hmmm.

First, let me make one thing clear. I don't -- I repeat don't!  --  judge women who take their husband's last name. It's a tradition. (My mother did it; but when I asked her why, she responded, "I don't even know...never knew I had a choice.")

I'm not suggesting that these brides are "Stepford Wives" for making that choice. Not at all.

But I am saying this: Just because something's a "tradition" doesn't mean we should all have to blindly follow it. (After all, this particular tradition can be traced back to a time when women had almost no political, social, or economic power. They took their husband's name because they were considered, more or less, their husband's property.)

So -- sorry -- I'll always view the "tradition" something like this: Take his last name, adopt his family heritage, while simultaneously erasing your own identity, personal history and accomplishments -- all in a few easy steps. 

Honestly, I never seriously considered taking John s name. (Which doesn't mean I don't love, honor and respect my husband -- and marriage.  I do!) I just wouldn't marry the kind of guy who would expect, or assume I'd definitely take his name, and renounce my own. 

Let's get one thing straight. I'm not "anti-tradition." I love celebrating Christmas, wearing dresses, cooking family dinners, shaving my legs and  letting my husband pay for pricey dinners (what's the difference, it's half my money anyway). (I also do at least 50 percent of the housework.)

But taking your husband's name is just as random and strange a practice as both people using the bride's last name. Correct?

But when I asked John, "Hey why don't we both use 'Kean' as our last name?" he just gave me a nervous laugh. "So why should I do it then?" I asked. "Fine, don't" John said. Problem solved.

Occasionally, a package arrives addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Schwartz" and I cringe, "Ughhh, look at this damn thing!; it's like I don't even exist anymore."

Secretly, though, I think John kind of likes the sound of it.

JOHN:  First of all, you don't do 50 percent of the housework; it's more like 20 percent. 

Second, I never considered taking your last name simply because it would require a lifetime of explanations. I have better things to do than to repeat 9,000 times: "I used to be John Schwartz, but now I'm John Kean. Yeah; we decided to use my wife's last name instead. No, that does not make me her wife ...etc."

I never made a fuss about this issue because I see your point: Objectively, it does seem outrageous for a person to have to change her last name suddenly in the prime of her life. And, I know that, for a narcissist like yourself, it would be particularly uncomfortable to change from your beloved "Amy Kean" to "Amy Schwartz."

But for most people, this "sexist" tradition of using the husband's name is more a matter of practicality than sexual politics. Obviously, the only fair thing to do is for the couple to combine their last names into a new family name like Kean-Schwartz or Schwartz-Kean. But if we had a child named Billy Kean-Schwartz and he grew up to marry Mary Smith-Kowalski, they'd be obligated to name our first grandchild little Suzie Kean-Schwartz-Smith-Kowalski.

For the sake of a civilized society, most couples choose one last name and, traditionally, it's the husband's.

So if and when we have one, what are we going to name our kid?