Amy vs. John
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Too Great To Date?
Are guys not asking me out because I'm too perfect?
Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: Why are men so turned off by confident women?
I'm a 30-year-old former model who now runs my own public relations company. I'm
confused because I go out to exclusive parties and VIP events 3 to 4 times
per week, but no guys ever ask me out. Men always say I'm funny, smart,
gorgeous, great to talk to etc. But when it comes time to exchange business
cards, they always pursue my much (much!) less attractive, and less successful
girlfriends. I'm starting to panic because I'm determined to get married and
have kids in the next couple of years. What on earth could I be doing wrong?
(Submitted by Dara K. summarized above)
A: JOHN: There are only two possibilities here: Either a) you're so incredibly good looking, smart, funny and charming that 99% of men are just too intimidated to approach you (if so, I suggest we meet for intensive one-on-one therapy); or b) you have an inflated sense of yourself, in which case I'll just refer you to Amy--she's been coping with this problem for years.
Look Dara K., there's a difference between confidence and arrogance. Unless these "exclusive parties" are excluding all heterosexual men, your date drought suggests that you're turning guys off with arrogance, not confidence. I'm also very wary of anyone who so flippantly describes her friends as "much (much!) less attractive and less successful."
My advice to you is to go eat a nice big piece of humble pie and ask one of your "much less attractive" girlfriends for some charm lessons.
A: AMY: Don't listen to John. There's nothing wrong with a confident, successful braggart who knows her true value. How refreshing! Most women have such low self-esteem. And I agree, if you're nearly-perfect, you surely deserve tons of love and attention. Unfortunately though, it's a well-known fact that women who are "winners" like you are often dateless. Meanwhile your frumpy, dull girlfriends are fighting guys off with a stick. Explanation: Most men are insecure losers. If you're remarkable, they're secretly thinking, "A woman like this must have guys chasing her constantly; eventually she'll find someone better and dump me--so why even bother?!" You make average guys nervous and uncomfortable. You need a super-confident man, and that's not that easy to find. And I suspect you're not making any love connections at these glitzy parties because you're always "working" in social settings. PR is in your blood, so you're probably so busy schmoozing and networking, that you forget to slow down and have a natural, "no-business" chat with someone. Stay focused. Don't panic. You'll find him.
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
I agree that arrogance is a big turn off, especially if you get high on putting your friends down. If you see value in yourself just as much as you give value to other people, than you are truly confident and attractive in my book.
Sure you go to exclusive VIP parties and get lots of compliments from guys, but if the guys you are interested in are not asking you out its because you have made yourself seem too unapproachable. Are you rewarding them for complimenting you by pointing out positive qualities about them?
When a man is expressing interest in you, he is making himself very vulnerable and exposing himself to rejection, if you do not show some vulnerability in return by complimenting them or showing some emotion than they will most likely move on to your "more imperfect" friends.
The truth is that us men are blind to most of the signals of interest that women give us. You have to make it apparent to him that he might have a chance to sweep you off your feet in order for him to do so. Good eye-contact, flirty banter, touching, and positive body language can go a long way in getting guys to chase you more. Amy's right, keep it light and fun and enjoy every interaction! Good luck :)
I have to say that Dara and Amy are two of the most self-absorbed, egotistical women I have ever heard! How can Dara call these other women her friends when she is so quick to belittle them? It's obvious why men don't ask her out, superficial people are not interesting or fun to be around. Take some time to get off the pedestal you put yourself on and start acting like a human being with feelings for people other than yourself. If you do that you may find that real men might actually learn to appreciate the inner beauty along with the outer beauty you hold so dear.