Wedding Power Struggle

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: My fiancé's mom is taking over our upcoming wedding. At first, we said we'd be having a very small, casual event in our backyard. I'm a graduate student and my fiancé is a chef, so we're pretty poor. So my future mother-in-law says "No problem, don't worry about money; I'll take care of everything." My fiancé is her only child, so she's obsessed with this wedding. Little by little, she's controlling everything: invitations, food, location, flowers--even the guest list. My parents are relieved that she's paying for the whole thing because I'm one of four daughters. At first I didn't care too much, but now I'm getting angry. My fiancé keeps saying, "C'mon, my mom's a bored widow, and she's just excited. She's paying so just let her do it her way." I love him, but don't I have a say?

(Submitted by Crystalgirl; summarized above)

A: AMY: Sort of. But it's difficult for me to pity you because it sounds like your future mother-in-law is pretty great. Pushy, sure, but very generous and pretty great. (Plus, everyone knows weddings are usually just big parties for the parents.) Do you even know what a pain it is to research those stupid, overpriced venues? Or to browse through 35 slightly different versions of white paper for the invitations? "Cream" versus "Cool White" versus "Vintage Bone" versus "Rose White"--it never ends. And trust me, none of your guests will even notice the details. All they'll say when they savagely rip open your carefully chosen, textured, heavyweight envelope is "Oh geez, another damn wedding; I suppose we'll have to give them an expensive gift now." And the same holds true for the food. Do you honestly think anyone remembers a meal from a wedding? All that wasted time arguing about whether the baby potatoes should be served whole or sliced. Who cares?! I say, let your future mother-in-law do everything. After all, she's paying, right? And your cheapskate parents are happy to dodge the big tab. Look at it this way: Because she's doing so much in terms of wedding planning, you can focus on what really matters: the marriage.

A: JOHN: Look, Little Miss Doormat, you have to speak up for yourself. If your wedding doesn't go the way you want it to, you'll have no one to blame but yourself (and your unassertive husband).

Remember, you're the bride. This is one of the few roles in life (along with hijacker, prison warden, and starship commander) where everyone can agree on who's in charge.

The first thing you've gotta do is sit your fiancé down and tell him exactly what you want. Don't be vague or wishy-washy. Tell him point blank: I want this, this, this, and this. Then your fiancé has to have a conversation with your future mother-in-law (his mother) to convey your wishes. It's really up to him to convince her that these things are important to you and therefore to him as well.

Since your future mother-in-law is footing the bill, you'll have to make certain "reasonable" compromises, but do not let your husband rest until he gets her to agree to at least your bare minimum demands. She will understand eventually, and you will be starting off your new relationship with her by putting proper boundaries in place.