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Haunted by a Hook-Up
Help--my best friend is marrying my one-night-stand.By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz
Q:DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: My best friend just announced that she's found her "dream guy." She's says, "He's perfect--sweet, polite, and religious, with great old-fashioned values." (She comes from a very religious family, so that stuff is really important to her.) Last winter, after getting married myself, I moved out-of-state. Since then, she's been e-mailing me about this "dream guy" constantly, but she's never sent me his photo. Problem is, I finally met him at their big engagement party last weekend and...I'VE HAD SEX WITH HIM! I was so shocked and nervous--so was he--but we both tried to act 100% natural. It was bad. (Before I got married, I was pretty wild, and I met this guy on a party cruise, and we did it that night, only knowing each other's first names.) Now I don't know what to do. I know he hasn't told my best friend about what happened. And I haven't even told my husband, who would be furious. Do I have to tell my best friend? She'll go crazy.
(submitted by SanDot summarized above)
A: AMY: A "party cruise"? ICK, that's gross. In fact, you and "dream guy" are both pretty gross. See what happens? If you sleep around, you're taking the risk that you could end up face-to-face, shaking sweaty hands with a drunken mistake you were planning to forget. And now, your clueless best friend--and your poor husband--are stuck in the middle, not knowing what's really going on. Unfortunately, you must immediately tell your best friend and your husband everything. Of course, it'll be very awkward and embarrassing. But you have no other choice, NONE. Sure, you could be a total coward and say nothing. But doesn't your best friend deserve to know that her "religious" fiance with "great old-fashioned values" is (or was?) a jerk who's had sex with a woman he'd just meet on a booze cruise? And remember, you mustn't keep anything from your husband if you want your marriage to thrive. Secrets like this one have a sneaky way of seeping out eventually. And the longer you wait, the harder it'll get to confess. Do the right thing; you can do it.
JOHN: Unfortunately, Amy's correct here. Just blurt it out to both of them and be done with it. The sooner you do it, the better. Life will go on.
Or...you could move out of the country. I'm only half kidding here. If you're really a coward, one way of squirming out of this mess would be to move somewhere remote--and extremely expensive to visit--like New Zealand or Sweden. Then, there's a fair chance that her marriage will fail before she has an opportunity to come see you face-to-face. Once her divorce from your former hook-up is finalized, it will become much easier to confess your secret.
WE: Women's Entertainment and the logo are service marks of WE: Women's Entertainment LLC
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
Just to correct Amy....if you read the original note, he isn't the authors "dream guy" it's her friends "dream guy".
I don't think ANY good can come of the author telling her best friend about her meaningless ONS with said "dream guy". If it happened before the author was married AND before her best friend met the "dream guy" then it is ridiculous for the author to take the heat for something she did.
Whatever decision you make, you do not deserve to be called "gross" or to be accused of being cowardly. Amy's and John's ad hominen attacks are shameful. How galling to be attacked by two people who solicit for the personal dilemmas and experiences of the public in order to make money.
Sandot, your one night stand has created an awkward situation for you, but you are not gross. And since you are already married, you've probably experienced the difficult process of sharing your sexual history with your partner. Unless you've lied to him about your past, you can talk to him.
As for your girlfriend; she may love you and have no problem with your sexual choices, but that was when you were sleeping with other men - not her man.
Whatever you decide, don't let fear or shame guide your decisions. And don't let anyone make you feel worthless for living your life.
This is the most horrendous advice that I have every come across!!!
First off, as "bzfan" stated, how rude, insensitive, and impermanent of you to call this person "gross" for having had a one night stand. I'm sure we *all* have skeletons in our closet and have all done things we regret. However, a wild phase does not make somebody gross. Shame on you!
And now, onto to this assassin advice:
What is the point of telling either her friend or her husband about this guy? Again, potentially his "wild phase" had subsided by the time the friend met him. Perhaps he has cleaned up his act and now he wants to settle down. If that is the case and her best friend is happy, why tell her this? It happened before they met. If he is free of STD's, isn't endangering her health, and isn't cheating on her, well, his past isn't any of her business.
Also, what is the point of telling her husband? Again, this was before him, if she is free of any STD's and not endangering his health in any way, and is faithful, it's none of his damn business.
My point? Just let sleeping dogs lie and try and cope with the awkwardness.
I totally agree with the previous comments. What good what it do to wake sleeping dogs? Obviously SanDot and the friend's future hubby don't want each other and are happy in their respective relationships. Besides, SanDot doesn't even live in the same state anymore, so its not like she has to see them everyday while they take the kids to soccer practice.
This is one that both of you promise to take to the grave.
P.S. Amy- Isn't the 1st rule in journalism to remain neutral? How dare you publicly condemn this woman who asked you for advice and was expecting a professional opinion?!?! You calling her gross should've been left to your bedroom talk with your husband.
I guess now we know why you hiding behind a blog and not out helping those who truly have problems like a real therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist
I disagree with a couple of the above comments. I think it's nice to hear writers give some smart, old fashioned, moral advice for a change. People really need it in 2008.
Consider the statistics, these days many young people are getting drunk (or drugged) and sleeping with people they don't even know (maybe getting diseases or pregnant too) and then feeling low self esteem the next day. In my day, a lady didn't have intercourse with a man, on a boat (drunk) without knowing each others last names. I think that behavior is "gross" too. Thank goodness I'm not alone. If you disagree, maybe you should look at your own morals. And try to be more respectful of people with different feelings than yours. Everyone has an OPINION you know.
I'm 51, and a mother of two teenage girls so I hope they read this good advice and decide to act like ladies in their lives. Maybe they'll be more content and get more respect from the guys in their lives. As a religious person, I agree with this advice.
Keep up the good work John and Amy.