Amy vs. John
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Tell Your Mom to Shut Up!
My husband thinks it's OK for his mom to trash-talk me.By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz
Q: Help! I'm fed with my mean mother-in-law. She's constantly bad-mouthing me to my husband. We invite her over, but all she ever does is complain about me behind my back:"It's so messy, doesn't your wife ever clean up this dump?";"Why doesn't she cook nice meals for you after you've worked hard all day?"; "She doesn't show you any respect -- you could've done much better." I know about this stuff because my husband blurts it out whenever we have a nasty argument. I'm so sweet to her (buying her expensive gifts, going to visit her often) but no matter what, she's still horrible to me. I think my husband should yell at her when she insults me, but he does absolutely nothing. She's ruining our marriage!
(Submitted by Apple29, summarized above)
A: AMY: Monster-in-law, eh?? Listen, mothers-in-law have despised their daughters-in-law since marriage was invented. It's the most natural thing in the world! Once you accept this fact, you won't feel so bad. Here's the deal: mothers-even the worst ones-have a unique, intense bond with their sons. Remember she gave birth to him, tucked him in, prepared his "special" sandwiches, bought him his favorite tube socks and told him how to comb his hair for like thirty years, right? Then-without warning!-you come along and replaced her. The betrayal! Suddenly, the new young, pushy, know-it-all wife is taking care of her little man. Now, she's picking out his new shirts (from stores Mom's never even heard of) and telling him how to cut his hair in a new style. And worst of all, he's just fine with it. Naturally, the mother-in-law feels threatened, jealous and tossed aside. Wouldn't you? Having said all that, your "Mama's Boy" spineless husband still needs to warn his mother, "Stop insulting my wife! I'm married now, and for this marriage to work, I must always put my wife's feelings first, understand?" That should work. If not, just move far, far away.A: JOHN: Hey, it sure is nice to hear my wife show so much understanding for mothers-in-law. Too bad she's such a phony jerk. If Amy ever suspected my mother was bad-mouthing her, she'd demand a formal written apology and refuse to attend a single Schwartz family event until she got one.
Much as I hate admitting that I've ever learned anything valuable from Amy, she did teach me this little nugget: "You only get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated." It turns out, you can apply this to 98 percent of the relationship problems out there, and so I advise you to read it once again, and really concentrate this time: "You only get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated." Got it? Good.
However "natural" your mother-in-law's behavior might be, it's still dead wrong. It's up to your husband to make it stop, so, it's up to you to browbeat your husband until it does.
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Copyright 2008 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
got a great book for the wife to read. "Five Love languages" it talks about how other people feel loved and how you must learn and understand what makes your mother in law feel loved. The principles are great for any relationship. Doesnt seem as though mom gains anything from the expensive gifts. Try asking mother in law for help. You can always just confront the mom. No sense in prolonging the problem by brow beating the husband. Problem is between mom and new daughter in law. But you can always smack your husband when he sleeps if it makes you feel better for not standing up to his mother.
Shame on that mother-in-law for behaving that way, but, shame on the husband MORE for throwing it in his wife's face during arguments. I have struggled with this over my 20+ years of marriage, only my mother-in-law didn't make these comments to my husband, she made them about me to everyone else in the family and her friends. My husband's aunt used to tell me all about the nasty things she was saying. It was hurtful and it made things VERY difficult to have a positive relationship with my mother-in-law. First, I had a very frank discussion with my mother-in-law basically telling her that her trash-talking did make its way back to me (she was mortified) and then I had my husband have a frank discussion with her because there were some comments made in front of our children that made their way back to me. After that was said and done, I asked my husband's aunt to stop telling me what things she said. I figured that I would take the high road even if she didn't - if I didn't know what was being said...did that mean it could hurt me? NOPE. Not one bit...
I wouldn't 'browbeat' my husband if I was you as that will inevitably only compound the problem and could even drive him away.
I would however lay down the law with him so that the next time 'Monster In Law' tries to badmouth you he grows some **lls and tells her NOT to talk to him about his wife like that ever again!
He really needs to stand up to her and from the sound of her she is wayyyyy over the line in meddling and giving her unsolicited opinions! Good luck!
i completely understand where you're coming from. i mean it his mother but you are his wife. i dont think he shud exactly yell at his mother but he should definately stand up for the woman he loves. if you said bad things about his mother he would stand up for her im sure. it should work both ways