The Ex Factor

How can I get my boyfriend to stop speaking to his ex?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q:DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  Please Help! My boyfriend's still in contact with his ex. He keeps telling me, "There's nothing going on" but I'm getting suspicious because, if she calls his cell phone, he doesn't answer her if I'm with him. But when he's alone, he always answers or calls her right back--I know this because I check his cell phone call log! Plus, I know that they go back and forth on Myspace leaving each other messages. I just noticed on Myspace, that she sent him this message: "The last eight months have been perfect." Last year, I was out of the country for a few months, and I discovered a photo of my boyfriend with this ex at a bar taken during the time I was away. He insists that they just got together "as friends," but I can't help wondering if something's going on with her. Do you think a guy can ever "just be friends" with an ex??

(submitted by Christina summarized above)

A:AMY:  In a word: NO! Take it from me; I've got some experience with this type of thing. Let me explain. John and I met in college and dated for a few exciting years. However, we eventually broke up for a variety of reasons, most of which are too complicated to explain in this brief column. I was happily dating someone new within a couple of months--but the honest truth is--I was never really 100 percent out of touch with John. Sure, we'd go for months without speaking (I was extremely busy those days, trying to replace John with "The Other Guy," as John liked to refer to him.) But every once in a while, I'd think of John on his birthday, on Christmas or even on Valentine's Day. He was my first real love, so he was surprisingly difficult to get out of my system. Every few months or so, we'd chat (mostly just so that I could make sure he was still miserable without me.) When we'd speak on the phone, he sounded so lonely, angry and jealous--I loved it! Occasionally, we'd even get together face-to-face for coffee and have really awkward, tense conversations. Sigh. (Please note: I never, ever "cheated" on "The Other Guy" because, A) he was always informed in advance that I was getting together with John, and B) John and I never had any physical contact whatsoever while I was with "The Other Guy." But so what?! John and I flirted, talked, argued, and flirted some more. It was wrong. And I used to tell my ex exactly what your boyfriend tells you, "There's nothing going on." But--look!--John and I are now happily married. I guess there was something going on after all. Don't be a fool. They're sneaky devils, just like we were. It's ultimatum time, so tell your boyfriend, "It's either me, or your ex; you can only stay in contact with one of us." You'll get your answer.


A:JOHN:  First of all, Amy, if you were so happy dating "The Other Guy," then why were you seeing me at all? And don't give me this "I was extremely busy trying to replace John" bull. Replace me?! Good Luck. "The Other Guy" was good-looking, smart, rich, and successful, but you still felt compelled to check up on me. Damn right I wasn't "out of your system"!

Now Christina, I'm a bit disturbed by this Myspace message, "The last eight months have been perfect." Was this possibly taken out of context?  Did the entire message read something like:  "It's been really pleasant being nothing more than platonic friends these past eight months. It's so much better this way, isn't it? And it's lucky that I'm not the least bit attracted to you, and you're not the least bit attracted to me. In fact, the last eight months have been perfect."? I doubt it. But, without more information, we can't really know what that message means.

Before you listen to Amy, and give him an ultimatum, why not try this simple test. Suggest to your boyfriend that, since his ex is such a good friend, all three of you should go out together. Explain that you'd like to get to know her and perhaps she can bring a date too. The four of you can double date! If this woman is really just a friend (in whom he has no romantic interest) then he'll actually be eager for the two of you to meet and become friends.

If he says something like: "Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea..." then, yeah, it's time for the ultimatum.