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Swingers Remorse
How can I convince my jealous husband to try it again?By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz
Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: I'm 33, a mother of twin boys, and married for over twelve years. During the past year, my husband started complaining that our sex life was getting dull. I was surprised because I always thought our sex life was pretty good; we were sleeping together at least once a week. But my husband didn't agree. He started suggesting lots of new things: dirty movies, dressing-up, and even swinging with other couples. I was very nervous and shy at first, so we took it very slowly. After several double dates, we finally "got together" with a fun, special couple and...it was an incredible! I was shocked because I thought I'd feel upset and jealous about it, especially since I was a virgin when I got married. But I didn't; I loved it. And now we've been seeing this same couple every month or so. My big problem is, as soon as I started to admit to my husband how much I was enjoying these experiences (especially with the other man) he completely flipped out. Now he refuses to see this couple ever again. I love him, but how can I change his mind?
(submitted by Kelly925 summarized above)
A: AMY: Good God! I'm sorry, but I think I'm too square to address your racy swinging dilemma. (By the way, what are your sweet twin boys doing while this wild stuff is going on, watching cartoons?) What can I say? I've always thought swinging was completely weird--and terrifying. If a married person wants to sleep with a stranger, why don't they just be honest--and get divorced?! To me, you sound like you just stepped right out of one of those wacky 1970's "key parties." You know, where all the "free love" neighbors tossed their car keys into a big bowl at suburban gatherings, then randomly picked out someone's keys, and "went home" with them. Remember the awkward "key party" scene in "The Ice Storm"? It was a disaster. I asked my own mother, "Hey, did you ever go to a key party in the seventies?" "Huh, what's a key party?" she asked. I explained exactly what it was and my mother responded, "You're lying!; what a sick person you are to make up something like that." The truth: I'm old-fashioned, close-minded and I fundamentally don't believe in sexual freedom. It scares me! (Plus, I firmly believe that most of these fantasies are much more exciting when they stay in your head--where they belong.) Looking outside the marriage is never the answer for a stale sex life. If your dopey husband now regrets the swinging, and wants to stop, you must respect his wishes and DROP IT. If you push him, you'll destroy what's left of your already damaged marriage. It's your choice. Be careful.
JOHN: Ah!! The classic twist of fate that no swing-seeking husband ever anticipates: What if your wife enjoys it? Listen up ladies: When your husband suggests swinging, what he's really saying is, he wants permission to involve another woman in your sex life. Fact: For most men the threesome (particularly one in which the wife or girlfriend is gung-ho) is the absolute "holy grail" of sex. Men fixate on this fantasy and will consider any scheme possible that could turn the fantasy into reality. So when a wife appears somewhat open to the idea of "swinging," little details like--your wife will be having sex with a strange man--become lost in his clouded, sex-crazed brain.
Now I'm sure that thousands of happy and satisfied swingers out there are going to write in to educate me on the beauty and freedom of a truly open sexual relationship. (Please do comment below!! We all want to hear more.) OK, good for you. If you and your spouse are so "evolved" and confident that you can each accept--and take pleasure in!--your partner openly having sex with another...well then, I'm both amazed and envious.
But for most men--including your husband Kelly925--nothing is more threatening and upsetting than the thought of their wife enjoying sex with another man. I know, I know, he should've thought about this scenario before he suggested the swinging, but he didn't. And now that you're looking forward to more sex with this other guy, well, that's just too much to bear. Your husband's swinging fantasy has completely backfired. So if you want to stay married, just accept that he has a double standard and stop swinging
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Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
First off I just want to say, please don't be offended because you are asking for people's advice which indeed does follows opinion.
I am a completely non-traditional and open-minded girl but when it comes to marriage, this is a sacred page in my book. Sex can get dull in a marriage or even a long term 'monogamous' relationship, but stepping outside of that to fulfill some crotch-throbbing urge is a HUGE no-no.
John: What if your wife had gotten pregnant? Regardless of whatever protection you and your wife (hopefully) used. Would you be left wondering if it was yours or this other man's?
Amy: What if in this heated fluid swapping orgy you and your husband had, one of you or BOTH of you surprising got a venereal disease? You know people aren't too excited to share this kind of information. But regardless of my "what ifs", what your really left with, after this sex-a-paid, is the urge to have sex with another man. I was shocked to see that you married a virgin and have been with your husband for 12 years and now that you have had the experience of sex with another man... you want sex with another man. I’m sorry but that sucks.
Now that your husband is hurt that you are enjoying and wanting another man, you are going to have to reassure him, in some way that I don't know how, that you only want him for the rest of your life... just like you told him on your wedding day. Don’t regret the decisions that were made because you can’t take it back, but now is the time to think about what’s going to make this all better. But if that urge is still there, that urge that your husband isn't fulfilling... then it's really time for you to re-evaluate your marriage.
Sorry for my confusion. I had signed up for this wanting to reply to this topic and didn't realize that Amy v. John are the commentators. Anywho I was meaning that you and your husband weren't thinking of the consequences. Hopefully you get what Im saying.
I've had a sample of the swinging life. (The threesome bit) My husband enjoys seeing me with another man. I don't care for it. The way I look at it is,when I married I chose him. If I wanted to have sex with different men, I would have stayed single. There's just too many diseases out there. Me not being interested has put my marriage on the rocks, but oh well, I guess I love myself more than him.
You are asking the wrong crowd honey. I am sure Amy made you feel like the lowest, most disgusting person on Earth.. shame on her for making you feel like that!
You and your husband need to really sit down and talk. Let him know it may have been a good experience.. a different experience, but it is never as good and meaningful as what the two of you have. He just needs some reassurance.
Bottom line, it does not work if BOTH of you are not into it.
Good luck, no matter what the two of you decide.
Yeah I read this and the comments, but unfortunately this lady is wrong, not as far as trying it because it was what her husband wanted and she went along with it, but for actually telling him that she liked having intercourse with the next man, now you can feel sorry for her if you want to, but put the shoe on the other foot, who really wants to be told that the next person is better than them, she should have never came out and said that, and he was dumb for even making the suggestion. My husband I we married young and we ahve one child together, to keep things hot I went to spencer's and grabbed little things to keep him intrigued, she needs to step it up and hit the stores and play little games, you should never have to bring extra ppl into a private party. That's lame for real. So work it out and, put the flames back into the relationship. Go to Spencer's for real.
I think swinging is a great idea for couples who have lost thier MOJO. It's just not fair that he gets to enjoy all the sexual pleasure of another woman but you are supposed to act as if he is king dingaling and not enjoy the other male. Men live by a double standards and they know it! I say oh well get up with the couple by yourself.
I don't think this would save any kind of relationship regards of what happens you will feel bad because you would enjoy it more or your spouse will. I have been asked to do this and i have turned my finace' down because of a sugestion, he said it be a great experience for me because he has done it before, i just choose not to do it because i do still have some values
Well I would like to say that i'm sure at some point in time we have experienced some kind of downhill effect in our sex lives... how we choose to deal with that drop is our own personal preference... I don't feel that its' right to be so judgemental of this young woman because of what she and her husband have chosen to do to spice up their love life. My gripe is more with the husband and his double standard... it was initially his suggestion to swing... and of course, it's ok for him to enjoy another woman but you can't enjoy another man? I'm sorry, but that's a load of **** to me... I personally couldn't swing because I am very jealous. However, if I could do it... I would expect that my mate enjoy being with the other peole involved, isn't that the point? I mean, if you're going to have sex with someone one can only hope it's an enjoyable experience... So Kelly925, I think your husband just has to grow up about the situation. He shouldn't have brought the idea to you if he couldn't deal with the fact that you might actually enjoy sex with another man besides him. However, I do think you should discuss it with him, and I do agree with Annie0913 in trying to reassure him that noone can replace what you and him share... after all.. you did vow to spend the rest of your life with him... not the other man... **wink** Lots of luck hunn...