Baby Mama Drama

How can I cope with my boyfriend's ex-fiancee?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: My live-in boyfriend has two little girls (ages 3 and 5) with his ex-fiancee, who's really nasty, jealous and mean. Like, whenever she comes over to pick up the girls from a visit, she says rude things like, "What's that disgusting smell?" when she knows I'm cooking dinner. Or always asking me, "Oh my God, are you pregnant?" when I'm not; I've just gained a few pounds. Her kids even told me, "Our daddy loves our mommy, not you." And she's constantly demanding extra cash and unnecessary items from my boyfriend, even though she knows he's working as a bike messenger so we don't have much extra money these days. I'm 100% sure she wants him back too. But he says I'm "just being paranoid" even though she always calls him very late at night asking him to come over and fix the refrigerator or the cable TV. (He usually does it.) I really love him, but I'm angry all the time. What should I do?

(submitted by Stayorgo summarized above))

A: AMY: I know, how about you find a bike messenger without two kids and a nightmare ex? Sorry, but I'm only half-joking here. C'mon, when you got involved with this guy, you understood that he had two kids with someone else, right? So you knew his lovable tots wouldn't just magically disappear when you entered the picture. They'll be around--and asking for money and "unnecessary items"-- forever. Yippee! And he's required to support them; that's the law. Sure, the ex sounds like a real creep, but it's pretty easy to understand why she hates you. After all, she was engaged to your boyfriend. In fact, she gave birth to his two children, and now he's happily playing house with you. She has to allow her two little girls to watch you--another woman!--holding hands and kissing their father, her former fiance. I'm not making excuses for her terrible behavior, but all that can't be too easy. And she's not going to disappear either (although it would be nice, huh?). She'll always be the mother of his children; nothing can alter that. I know I could NEVER, EVER date a guy with kids--too complicated. I think I'd probably be a terrible, mean stepmother. Let's just say, I'm more Lady Tremaine than Maria Von Trapp.

JOHN:  So Amy, are you saying her relationship is a lost cause? Your "advice" here is to just give up?! Look Ms. Stayorgo, I agree that you're in a tough spot, but there is one thing you can still try: kill her with kindness. Perhaps the most effective torture you can inflict on your boyfriend's ex is to be so unbelievably easy-going, pleasant and accommodating that even she is left speechless. Your boyfriend will start being nicer to you because you're reducing his stress and those two little girls will begin to take to you like their new favorite older sister or aunt. Being the sweet and nice one, who rises above it all, could be the very best revenge.