Chat Room Cheat!

A new mom catches her husband sending dirty messages.

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  Seven months ago, I had my first baby, so I guess I've put my marriage on the back burner lately. I feel guilty because pre-baby, we had a happy, active sex life. Now I'm so tired, cranky and overwhelmed, I just don't feel like sleeping together ever. My husband works really long hours, and I'm a full-time mom, so 99.9 percent of the childcare falls on me. The other night, I woke up to feed my son and I caught my husband writing dirty messages in a chat room. He couldn't deny it because I snuck up behind him and actually read the messages he was sending. I couldn't believe my eyes, but he started crying, saying, "You don't know how hard it is for me to live in a sexless marriage; please forgive me; I promise to stop." He confessed that he's been doing it since I got pregnant. He insists he's never physically cheated on me though, and I do believe him. He says, "It's just typing--it means nothing; it's just stupid, anonymous fantasies." He begged me not to divorce him. But now I think he's a creep. What should I do?

(submitted by lane33, summarized above)

A: JOHN:  Excellent question. What is a man supposed to do when his marriage becomes "sexless?" Don't get me wrong; I'm not defending your husband. You think he's a creep because he was acting like a creep. (What's sadder then a bunch of middle-aged, married men posing as young women, and asking each other "Hey, what are you wearing?") That's why he was crying--he's ashamed. But as you openly admit, there's been little to no sex in your marriage for the better part of a year. Aren't you obligated to address that? What is the appropriate protocol for a husband during and after pregnancy? Is he expected to suppress all sexual urges out of respect for his wife's condition? Maybe so, but shouldn't there at least be some sort of discussion? Couldn't you give him some encouragement, some hope that the two of you might return to your "happy, active sex life" some day down the road? It's time you and your husband sat down and had a serious talk about sex. If he hasn't actually physically cheated on you, and he shows remorse for sneaking off to chat rooms, you should be able to get past this. Maybe these sites will help: webmd.com, parents.com.
 

AMY:  Your husband wouldn't have free time to frequent those sleazy chat rooms, if he was busy helping with his baby. I mean, c'mon--why are you making excuses for this jerk: "My husband works really long hours." Yeah, so what?! What about your "long hours" like, say, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? All that time he's wasting sending dirty messages to other weirdoes could better be spent grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry -- all the things that'll keep your household running smoothly. And maybe you're not "in the mood" these days because you're feeling over-worked and under-appreciated, which is so often the case with new moms. Still, believe it or not, there's actually a silver lining here. You found out before he decided to meet up with one of his on-line "pen pals" at a dingy strip mall. Now everything's out in the open-- thank God! And remember, it does matter that your husband has never physically cheated on you. His chat room antics are obviously pretty gross, but sleeping with someone else is definitely much--much!--worse. P.S. I'm really encouraged that you feel you can trust your husband at his word. (Maybe he's not so bad?) I have a hunch that--if you're both 100% honest about your feelings and frustrations--there's solid hope for your sex life and your marriage.