Is Stage Sex Cheating?

Why is my boyfriend so threatened by my racy role in a play?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: I'm an actress, 27, in Chicago and I have an excellent boyfriend, whom I've been living with for almost nine months now. But here's my big problem: Three weeks ago I got cast as the lead in a fantastic experimental play that requires me to simulate sex on stage, and to kiss the lead male actor a lot (I'm also supposed to appear topless at one point but only for a few seconds). I think it's a really interesting play with a lot of relevance right now, but my boyfriend is furious. He was angry just reading the script, and now that I got the part, he insists that I tell the director how the explicit scenes must be "reworked." I promised to discuss his concerns with the director, but I don't feel like it's really my place. And I don't want to lose my part by complaining. Meanwhile, I've started rehearsals and I've had to kiss the lead actor a few times already. My boyfriend is threatening to break up with me if I don't quit. Help?

(submitted by moterry summarized above))

A: JOHN:I had one line in a friend's independent movie nine years ago where I had to give a girl a "hello" peck on the cheek. That peck nearly destroyed my relationship with Amy. This age-old question has been "the elephant in the room" since the first screen kiss back in 1896. How do actors and their significant others deal with stage and screen sex scenes? Isn't it technically cheating?

I'm torn here. I know I'm supposed to say "it's just acting." And the fact that you're performing these kisses and sex simulations on stage in front of a handful of people (sorry but you did say "experimental play") should quell some of your boyfriend's jealousy. After all, with the bright lights glaring, the director barking, and the crew and audience all staring, the chance for real intimacy is pretty limited.

But... to be perfectly honest, I have to agree with your boyfriend on this one. Unless your big break onto the Chicago experimental theater scene is guaranteed to make you a huge star, you should find another role. That is, if you're serious about your boyfriend and you believe there is real long-term potential with him. Eventually this will come up again though, so the two of you will have to work something out. I'm not sure what to tell you because if Amy had to kiss anybody for a role, even if it was an alien monster in the next "Star Wars" movie for ten million dollars, I'd get jealous.

AMY:  Oh, please--don't flatter yourself De Niro. Are you claiming that I've somehow derailed your promising acting career with my insane jealousy? The main reason I was angry about that stupid "peck" in your friend's independent movie was because you were such a slippery liar about it. I could never get a straight answer out of you when I asked a simple question: "Do you have to kiss someone in this thing?" I couldn't believe--with only one damn line--you were actually required to kiss some stranger. Plus, when I said, "Tell your friend you'll do it, but without the kiss," you refused to request that tiny adjustment. It was obvious--despite the fact that the whole thing made me uncomfortable--you were unwilling to appease me. That's very, very bad for any relationship.

Here's the most important relationship advice I'll ever give: If you want a relationship to succeed, you must always make sure that the other person knows his or her feelings come first. Read it again; remember it.

Your boyfriend's right to be concerned: "simulate sex on stage"; "appear topless at one point"--are you kidding me? Is this legitimate theater or a live sex show? And don't forget, tons of couples fell in love while "acting" together: Susan Sarandon/ Tim Robbins; Angelina Jolie/ Brad Pitt; Kyra Sedgwick/ Kevin Bacon; Joanne Woodward/ Paul Newman; Goldie Hawn/ Kurt Russell; and my favorites, Elizabeth Taylor/ Richard Burton. See what I mean?

Just ask yourself: Am I willing to forfeit my "excellent" boyfriend for the lead in this play? If the answer is yes, OK, go ahead--break a leg! I just hope it's a huge hit; because good men are a lot harder to find than good roles.