Wait to Dump Her?

DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  I need some help/ advice on how to break-up with someone.  Here's the deal: I'm 33, and I've been seeing this girl, "Liz," 30, since August. It started out as a very casual, fun thing, but now--all of a sudden!--she's acting CRAZY, like she can't live without me. At first it was all good; we were just having fun, hanging out, watching TV or going out to eat. But now, she's calling/ texting me at least four (and even five!) times a day asking, "So you're staying over tonight, right?" Usually, I do, but mostly because she expects me to. I know she'd be really upset if I were 100% honest with her. So guess what? At the beginning of November, she asked me, "Would you like to come home with me to Philadelphia for Christmas?" I was caught off-guard, so I blurted out, "OK, sounds great." Now I'm stuck. I'd rather just be with my own family here in New York, but she's already bought two train tickets for us. I was hoping to break up with her by the New Year. But I feel so guilty! And I really don't want to ruin her Christmas with her whole family. So should I just go to Philadelphia, and break up with her after Christmas? But then I'll feel obligated to be with her for New Year's Eve too. What's the right thing to do here?

(submitted by gonzoB   summarized above)


AMY:  What a word-class wimp! But in your defense, "Liz" sounds like a clingy nightmare. What normal, self-respecting woman calls or texts a guy four to five times a day to beg him to "stay over"? Or buys both train tickets? (Doesn't she know that you--the man-- should be expected to buy all train tickets?!) She's pathetic, a total sap--end of story. But let's get back to you. Like most men, you were perfectly happy with this set-up when it was a "very casual, fun thing." Hmm, I wonder why?  Is it because you could get steady sex anytime you felt like it, from a needy woman you had no intention of marrying? You're a jerk, "gonzoB" and you deserve to be stuck in this Philadelphia Christmas mess. And now you want to conveniently dump her before she goes "Fatal Attraction" on you when you don't propose on Christmas Eve. (Warning: when women invite men home for Christmas, they're usually thinking diamond rings.) Look, no matter what, she's going to be furious because you've strung her along. On one hand, it's true that it'll only get worse the longer you drag it out. But on the other hand, it's only a couple more weeks until 2009, right? So, sure! What the hell--go to Philadelphia for Christmas; it might be fun. And sure, let her bully you into some stupid, awkward New Year's "date" too. Then after the ball drops, cut her loose for good. Why not--everybody breaks up on New Year's Eve.


JOHN:  What the hell kind of "advice" is that?! Look, "gonzoB," don't listen to my wife. She's sadistic. Show some mercy, be a man, and break up with Liz, tonight! If you're fantasizing about the relationship ending, then it's time to end it. You're not doing her any favors by pretending everything is fine and dandy. And going to a family Christmas is just going to make the eventual break-up more painful. End it (face-to-face, you coward!) tonight and at least ol' kicked-to-the-curb Liz might meet someone new during her inevitable "girls night out" New Year's Eve drinking binge.

This is man's oldest conundrum:  How can you break up with a woman and still be a "nice guy"?

Answer:  You can't. But "nicer" guys break up with women the moment they know they want out.