No Laughing Matter

John wants Amy to loosen up.

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

JOHN:  My wife HATES comedy--specifically stand-up.  It's a huge problem for me because I love it. We live in Manhattan, home to several top-notch, world famous comedy clubs, like Caroline's on Broadway, Stand Up New York and Gotham Comedy Club. But Amy refuses to go to any of them. Sometimes we'll be walking by one of these clubs, very late at night, and I'll hear roars of rowdy laughter from inside. So I'll beg, "Please Amy --can't we go in? If it's terrible we'll leave immediately." Amy always says, "No way, not tonight!" as she steers me to the other side of the street.





Even weirder, she gets whiney and uncomfortable whenever I put stand-up comedy on the television. "Ugggh! Anything but stand-up comedy! I hate those stupid comedians!" she growls.

Hate comedians?  How can anyone hate comedians? Do you mean you don't enjoy laughter? Is that even humanly possible? I recognize that there's an abundance of bad comedy out there, but you cannot possibly know if a comedian is bad unless you've heard his/her material. Right?

This is a fundamental difference between Amy and myself. When I flip through channels and an unfamiliar comic appears, I stop and turn up the volume. I think, "Great--here's a new, potentially hilarious comedian performing right in my living room; there is a good chance I'm going to laugh, be entertained, and feel joy!"

But as soon as Amy sees a comic standing on a stage with a microphone, she screams at me to "Turn the channel now!" She won't give any comedians a chance. Why?!

I mentioned this to my friend recently and I was shocked to hear that his wife also hates stand-up comedy. What? Is this a woman thing?

Just for the record, here are a couple of comedians whom I think are hilarious:

JIM GAFFIGAN

BILL BURR

AMY:  What are you talking about? You make me sound like some kind of tense, uptight, stone-faced stiff who rejects all fun. You think I can't let loose and enjoy life, just because I don't want to hang out in a smoky comedy club? Is that really how you see me? 

Because you're wrong--I LOVE FUN! I'm a wild, crazy, fun-loving wife. But unfortunately, I know from experience, that 99 percent of stand-up comedy is absolute crap, a total waste of time. C'mon, admit it: most comedy stinks.

When I first moved to NYC, I used to go see comedy all the time with friends. But I disliked the comedy club atmosphere: loudmouth drunks/ hecklers, pushy waitresses enforcing their "two-drink minimum," and bad French fries and--even worse!--chicken fingers. 

But the worst part was the comedians. One sexist jerk after another telling lame dirty jokes, "Last night I was smoking weed, and having sex with this stripper in my van and...blah, blah, blah."  Yawn. Or the constant, offensive profanity for no reason whatsoever, "Who the F%@# does God think he is anyway?!" Swearing isn't funny.  And I don't appreciate God jokes either. Get some better material!

I enjoy clean, old-fashioned, smart humor. Unlike my former frat boy husband, who'll laugh at literally anything: people tripping, people vomiting, fart jokes, any kind of blooper--you name it!  He's not very selective.

But now that I hear how much it means to him, I promise to go to at least one comedy club with him in 2009. That's fair. And just for the record, I do like comedy, here are a couple of examples of things that can actually make me laugh:

ALMOST ALL WOODY ALLEN MOVIES--from before 1992.

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS--on HBO.  I never miss it, probably my favorite TV show at the moment.

THE ORIGINAL BRITISH "THE OFFICE"--Lots of people like the American version on NBC, probably because they've never seen the original, which is a thousand times funnier. Buy it on DVD.