Sick Isn't Sexy

Can Amy and John survive the flu season?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  My husband John makes me sick, literally.

One of the worst parts of being married is the reality that if your spouse picks up a nasty cold or the flu, then you'll probably get it too. It's the worst! No matter how many times I scrub my hands, avoid sharing cups and refuse all physical contact--if John is sick, I'll almost always catch it too. To make matters worse, John seems to carry a lot of germs; he's like a pre-school toddler or a New York City pigeon. Before I met him, I almost never got sick.





But over the holidays, John was telling me that he "felt just terrible." He was complaining non-stop (and really getting on my nerves) about his "stuffed-up nose, congestion and fatigue." Honestly, I was annoyed because he always seems to get sick over the holidays--when I really need him to be in perfect, party form. I expect him to have boundless, youthful energy for travelling, shopping and family fun. The last thing I want is a whiney, weak husband laying around in a stinky robe, moaning and nagging me to make him chicken soup--boring!

OK, I don't always feel like Mother Teresa--sorry.

But I try my best, I really do. For the first couple of days of John's recent flu, I waited on him like a slave. I let him lounge--for three days straight--across our living room couch, watching his stupid ESPN and sci-fi crap. I regularly brought him his medicines, tissues and snacks. I catered to him like he was my sick little boy.  And I nursed him back to perfect health.

Now here I am, a week later, with his sickness. And he does NOTHING for me.

I've been feeling terrible for the past few days: unbearable hacking cough, severe sore throat, body ache, extreme fatigue and a fever of over one hundred degrees.  I'm just miserable.  

So what does John, my "loving" husband do?  He lays across the couch, watching his stupid ESPN and sci-fi crap--no nursing for me whatsoever. I'm sick, and I don't even get to control the remote. I need a husband who really loves me, a guy like this  one.

Hey, didn't we have that bit about "in sickness and in health" in our wedding vows?!


JOHN:  Actually Florence Nightingale, you told our officiant to take out that line.  Don't you remember when you told her, "life's too short; I'm not a damn nursemaid"?  

I'm fascinated by your claim that you "waited on [me] like a slave." You mean because you wrote out the grocery list for me to do the shopping, even with my 101 degree fever? Or because you told me, "Don't worry Honey--just leave those dirty dishes in the sink until tomorrow; you can do them in the morning when your fever's lower."

And I really enjoyed that Vick's VapoRub ad you used to promote your propaganda.  The reality however was much more like this. It's interesting that you "forgot" to mention how you yelled at me in bed, "Stop coughing so much--it keeps waking me up!" Or how you griped, "You certainly can't leave those disgusting used tissues all over the coffee table!"

So, I'm sorry I'm not being more sympathetic, but what's that expression?  Oh yeah--you're getting a taste of your own medicine.