Craving Commitment

How can I make a guy want to commit?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  Two years ago, the man I'm currently seeing, "Sean," started working in my office. He's gorgeous, so every single girl at work was after him. But back then, he was going through a nasty divorce, so he wasn't interested in dating anyone. I quickly became pretty obsessed with him myself, mostly because he's the hottest guy I've ever seen. Then last year, I found out that he'd started seeing my co-worker. (She is constantly bragging about how sweet he is to her little boy, and how he's "the most awesome boyfriend ever.") I was thrilled when he finally asked me out, but I foolishly assumed he wasn't dating anyone else anymore. Our first date was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE! He was so funny, cool, smart...and the sex was off the charts. We've been dating for four months now, and he often says things like, "You're the best" or "I had a blast last night." But, I just found out that he's still sleeping with two other girls from my office (the one I knew about and another one). When I confronted him, he confessed, "Yeah, I'm seeing a few women actually, but I never said I wanted anything serious right now." I explained that I want to be exclusive, but he insists he's "just not ready." I'm crazy about him, but I can't take this jealousy! If he likes me--and the sex is so hot--then why won't he get rid of the other girls?

(submitted by DDcover    summarized above)


A: AMY:  Wow, I wish you'd sent in a photo; this bed-hopping stud sounds like quite a distraction. (Do any women get any work done in your office--ever?) I understand your horrible problem, but unfortunately, it's all your fault because you've done things in the wrong order. Let me explain. You admit that you had sex with him on the first date. Then you continued to see him--for months!-- even though you never even discussed being exclusive. And NOW--all of a sudden--you want a solid commitment to go steady? The appropriate time for this critical conversation was before getting naked with this guy. By acting like a tramp, you gave him the impression that you--like him--were just out for a sexual fling, no strings, nothing serious. It's going to be very difficult for you to transfer from the fling category into the girlfriend category, but perhaps it's still possible. The most important first step: STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM! "Sean" needs to understand that you're not just another office bimbo, looking for a good time. You need to give him a firm ultimatum: "It's either me, or those other two women--make your choice." Try it. Maybe he'll commit; maybe he won't.  



JOHN:  Boy, no matter how mundane the business, if it takes place in an office, it will be rife with employee sexcapades. I should work in a office!

I hate to say this, but your letter gives you an air of desperation. If you really want to lasso a guy who is perfectly comfortable being in at least three sexual relationships simultaneously (God knows why you would!), you're going to have to become more aloof. Not only should you stop having sex with this guy, you should make him think you've completely lost interest. Make him curious as to why you're not giving him the time of day anymore. If you become mysterious, and a challenge, then you might get him to forget about other women.