Baby? No Thanks!

Why doesn't my fiancé want kids?   

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  My boyfriend, Ed, just asked me to marry him. Over the last year, we've been discussing our future together. (I recently read in a relationship guidebook that couples should have "the talk" long before even thinking about marriage.) And we decided on the following:  where we want to live--a loft in Brooklyn, how to handle money--separate bank accounts, pets--keep my Siamese cat and his German Shepherd, and kids--none, ever. (We agreed on everything.) Ed's been clear from the beginning that he hates kids. "I just don't understand why anyone would ever want children," he mumbles every time we see someone pushing a stroller. I just grin and change the subject because I've recently--secretly--decided that I definitely want at least one child. I'm 34, so I can't wait forever. But last night, I hinted that I'd love to get pregnant after we're married this August, and he went nuts. "No way! We agreed on this already; if you want a baby, forget marrying me," he screamed. We didn't speak for over a week because he claims I'm "trying to trick him into a life he doesn't want." Ed's a successful musician, and he's constantly travelling, working very late-hours. I did agree, all along, that I'd be OK without kids, but now I've changed my mind. How can I change his mind too?

(submitted by babydreamer    summarized above)


A:AMY:  Women usually have the power to change men's minds about little things like, say, which striped shirt to wear, what kind of pizza to order or which DVD to rent...but whether or not to have kids??  That's a HUGE ISSUE! And poor Ed was one hundred percent honest with you--from the start--that he "hates kids." So why are you suddenly changing the terms of your verbal agreement? It's really not fair. How would you like it if, all of a sudden, Ed blurted out, "Hey, last night I was watching "Big Love" on HBO, and I got to thinking...I'd love to try polygamy; so you won't be my only wife; that's OK with you, right? " You'd be screaming, "Polygamy?! What the hell are you talking about?!" And rightfully so. Ed's travelling musician lifestyle isn't exactly ideal for fatherhood; and that's OK. He's decided that he definitely doesn't want children, also OK. But if you truly love Ed and still want to marry him this August, you'd better accept the fact that he may never change his mind about having kids.    



JOHN:  I agree. A deal's a deal. So if Ed is truly your soul mate, you either forget about kids altogether or you "help" him change his mind. That's a tall order when dealing with an "I hate kids!"--type, but it can be done. Here's what I'd do: Get married and play it cool for about a year. Then find a particularly loveable kid between the ages of five and eleven (self-sufficient, yet still adorable) and arrange for him or her to be dumped on you and Ed for a weekend. (A cute niece or nephew would be ideal, and a Big Brother / Big Sister volunteer situation would work well too.) Then suggest Ed offer a music lesson to the kid. Once he witnesses the magic of this charming, well-behaved child learning to play "Stairway To Heaven" for the first time, he'll be hooked. If you pick the perfect kid, it should melt Ed's kid-hating heart. Good Luck!