One of the Guys

John and Amy debate if women should be friends with men

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

JOHN:   Last night, Amy and I were having dinner at a cheap Mexican restaurant where there was a large party of eight young people (seven guys and one woman) sitting at the table next to us. Because I'm nosy, I couldn't help but listen to some (OK, most) of the conversation that was taking place. Apparently, this was a group of "best friends" from college who had gotten together for "Steve's" twenty-fifth birthday. The lone woman at the table, "Jen," seemed to be perfectly comfortable being the only woman in the group. She appeared to be unanimously accepted as "one of the guys." From what I could gather (leaning forward in my chair and shushing Amy so that I could hear better), "Jen" was single, not dating any of the seven men at the table. The group, on the whole, appeared to be a well-mannered bunch of buddies, out for a cheap meal and a few pitchers of beer to celebrate a friend's birthday.

But Amy saw this situation quite differently.



Amy claims that "this Jen character," is a fool for trying to fit in with a bunch of guys as their "friend." And she thinks that there is definitely "something weird" about a young woman who wants to be drinking buddies with a big group of men.

I disagree. Why is it any different for a woman to try to fit in with a particular group of friends (which happens to be all male) than it is for a man? And if the woman is fun to spend time with, why wouldn't she be accepted into any group of good friends? The obvious answer is:  SEX. But, it is my contention that it is not only possible, but relatively common for men and women, all over the world, to be truly platonic friends. These friendships exist and flourish because both parties actively choose not to act on any sexual urges they may feel between them. Often one will have unrequited romantic feelings for the other, but for the sake of their friendship, he or she purposely avoids complicating the relationship with an attempt at romance. Once this boundary is established--and respected--a man and a woman can have a strong and lasting friendship.

AMY:  Listen, if I had a daughter--who was in her twenties--I would not be pleased if she were regularly spending her free time hanging out in dingy bars with a bunch of former frat boys. I never did that. And I wouldn't think it was healthy, or appropriate, for her either.

Let me explain. I've noticed it's a certain type of young woman who wants to be the only female member in a large group of male friends. She'll usually say things like, "I only get along with guys" or "Women are so horrible, petty and back-stabbing; guys make better friends." (They're reverse sexists!) And they often see themselves as low-maintenance tomboys with a special inside track on the mysterious inner workings of the male mind.

Meanwhile, these guys are usually just using them. They're the token female buddy, a novelty of sorts. If she didn't tag along, they'd feel like a bunch of dateless losers hanging out without any women. And this female member makes the group appear less desperate. Plus, the guys usually think (or hope) that the girl may have better-looking female friends she can offer up. She's acting as an unpaid liaison to the opposite sex--whether she realizes it or not.

And despite John's naïve remarks about sexual boundaries, these female "buddies" will often find themselves in awkward situations where those boundaries are blurred. In other words, if one of the guys is bored enough--and drunk enough--he'll "hook-up" with this female friend. But the very next day, he'll shrug it off as nothing because, after all, they're "just friends"--who cares, no big deal. But no matter how much women try to pretend that sex is no big deal, deep down it is always a HUGE deal. And realizing that a "friend" used you for sex, but has no desire to date you is crushing to any woman's self-esteem.

I also believe that these young women--in a desperate attempt for male acceptance--begin to adopt some unfortunate male traits: drinking too much, belching, following sports, swearing, telling dirty jokes, sleeping around etc. Socializing, exclusively with men, can lead to women picking up some pretty ugly habits.