Love and Loyalty

Should a husband defend his wife--no matter what?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

JOHN:  Amy never misses the reality show, "The Real Housewives of New York City." And as part of my "husbandly duties," I'm expected to watch it--and pretend to love it--every Tuesday night. I don't really mind. 

During the last episode, something happened that sparked an interesting debate between Amy and myself. For those of you who missed it: Ramona's husband Mario got into a really heated discussion with Jill about their upcoming tennis match.  As tempers flared, Mario got right in Jill's face and began shouting insults at her--very awkward. Jill held her ground and stayed pretty calm, but anyone watching would have felt like Mario was being a bit of a bully toward another man's wife, at a cocktail party.



Meanwhile, Jill's husband Bobby--who knows Mario fairly well--stood by and watched as his wife got berated. Even though the whole incident only lasted about ninety seconds, it wasn't until after the fight fizzled that Bobby finally pulled  Jill aside and asked: "Do you need me to step in here? Do you want me to get involved?"

This made Amy CRAZY!

The second Mario began to raise his voice and encroach on Jill's personal space, Amy immediately turned to me and screamed: "She should leave her husband! (meaning Jill should leave her bystander husband Bobby) I don't care how rich he is, she should dump that WORTHLESS creep!"  

I was just sitting on the couch, minding my own business, watching the show. Then, all of a sudden, Amy looked as if she were mad at me for not diving into the television screen to defend Jill myself. What the heck was going on?

"It is a husband's responsibility is to defend and protect his wife--even if she's in the wrong." Amy explained. "A proper, decent husband would never allow anyone--least of all a man--to berate his wife in public."

Clearly Amy was giving me some sort of warning. Even though Jill was, in fact, acting like a ridiculous diva and, even though her husband Bobby did eventually come over and offer assistance, Amy wasn't satisfied. She believes a husband must take charge and immediately intervene in any situation that could be remotely construed as an attack.

So apparently, Amy fears that I might wait too long to intervene in such a situation and thereby render myself "useless" to her. Now I don't know what to think! On the one hand, I feel insulted that she's basically calling me a wimp--preemptively! On the other hand, I sort of appreciate that she's telling me, in advance, what she needs from her husband should such a situation come about. (i.e. Joe Pesci protecting Robert DeNiro in "Casino" WARNING: THIS LINK CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND PROFANITY! ).


AMY: I certainly don't expect John to bust skulls like Joe Pesci's barbaric character--that's illegal. But I'd definitely be furious--FURIOUS!--if I were at a party and some jerk started screaming at me, and my husband just stood by and watched like a wimp. A man who doesn't fight for his wife is the scum of the earth, in my opinion. Jill Zarin, like all women, deserves a husband who'll act as her bodyguard, if need be. On the show, her husband Bobby is very generous towards her, in terms of paying for lavish clothes, jewelry and furniture. But in this critical, character-revealing situation, he proved that he's not willing to get involved. That's unacceptable!  

I expect John to jump in and defend me--always. I want him to intimidate and threaten my enemies. He should say something like, "Get the hell out of my wife's face, unless you want to die." I need him to love, honor and protect me--even if he secretly thinks I'm the one who's wrong. If that happens, he should still defend me in public. Then later, when we're alone, he's free to say, "Honey I didn't mind throwing a drink in that guy's face, but maybe you shouldn't have started the argument."

Some cowardly husbands will argue, "I'd never step in; my wife can fight her own battles." Well, that's just a lame excuse made by men who are actually terrified of conflict themselves. That kind of wimp will always stand by and watch while someone, like Ramona's out-of-line husband, attacks and embarrasses his wife.

In marriage, loyalty is everything. John had better remember that.