No Lovey-Dovey Talk

Why are men afraid of sounding sappy?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  John is one of those guys who completely alters the way he speaks to his wife on the phone, depending on who's around. I'm sure all women reading this blog--especially those in a relationship--will know exactly what I'm talking about. Here's a prime example: last week, John was out-of-town in Philadelphia, working on a film shoot. When he arrived at his cozy hotel room, he called me as usual, to report that he'd arrived safely. He was obviously alone in his room. (He'd better be!) And here's a snippet of that conversation.

John: Do you miss me, my little wife? I hate sleeping alone; you should've just come with me.

Me: I'd love to, but I have too much work to do here.

John: I know, I know, but we always have so much fun traveling together--don't we? It doesn't even matter where we go.  

Me: I agree. I'd go anywhere with you. Get some rest now Honey. You sound really tired.

John: I love you--I'll call you tomorrow and let you know when I'll be back in New York. I can't wait to get back home to you.

Me: Me too! I love you...goodnight.

OK--please don't vomit. (John's DEFINITELY going to strangle me for that.) Admittedly, we can both be pretty sappy when no one's around to make fun of us. But now listen to a snippet of the next phone call we exchanged when John was surrounded by his male work colleagues the very next day.

Me: Hi Honey! I was just thinking about you. Still miss me?

John: Uh huh. Sounds good.

Me: What sounds good? Is that code for something? Are you even listening to me?

John: Yeah, of course it's just...(long pause) I can't talk right now.

Me: Why not? Because there are other guys around? You can't be lovey-dovey with your damn wife just because other men might hear you? That's pathetic!

John: Amy, please.

Me: Whatever.  I never thought you were the kind of husband who can't say, "I love you" in front of other guys.  Grow up!

John: (whispering) Yeah OK, I'll call you later.

So I want to know: are all men like this?! Why? What's so embarrassing about being in love? And why are grown men so afraid of what other men think?


JOHN:  You're a huge hypocrite. If I call you when you're out with your mother or sister, you won't even answer!-- let alone say anything that might indicate even the slightest bit of affection for me--your husband! We've been married for three years, but around them, you still act like you're not sure if you even like me!

So I think you know the answer to this question.

And that is... it's just not the same when other people (especially men) are nearby, listening. We're not phonies, we're just... OK we are phonies, but it's really more a matter of etiquette then a fear of not seeming macho, at least for me. I tone down the lovey-dovey talk when I'm in public for the same reason I try not to use profanity when I'm in public. It's impolite. I mean, sure, if I were to say out loud on the phone "Aw, How's my wittle Amykins..." any male friends within earshot would give me flak--and rightfully so. It's a stupid male law, and I go along with it because I'm a weak follower, OK? But I also go out of my way to try and not sound too happy in my relationship. I'm actually so vain that I naturally assume that anybody listening will feel jealous of my wonderful marriage, complete with sickening lovey-dovey talk.

If I'm with a friend who's just broken up with his girlfriend, or who's just been moaning about not being able to find any decent women, I'm not going to answer my cell phone in front of him and start telling you how much I can't wait to get back home to sniff your neck. It's just cruel.