Ugly Floral Arrangement

I don't want his sister to be my wedding florist

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  My fiancé's sister is a professional florist, so--as her wedding gift to us--she offered to do all the flower arrangements for our 150-plus wedding on June 27th, for free. At first, I thought it was a fantastic idea because it'll save us thousands of dollars. But now it's turning into a complete nightmare, so I'd rather just spend the money and get exactly what I want. It's only a couple of months away, and she's never even asked me exactly what flowers I want or what colors would accent my bridesmaid dresses, table cloths etc. So when I complained about this to my fiancé, he answered, "Why does it even matter? She's doing it for free." So I decided to call her myself to tell her that I'd like lots of peach and purple roses if possible, because that's my wedding color scheme. She sounded sort of offended, and said, "OK, I'll see what I can do--but it'll really depend on what I can buy in bulk right before; I was thinking daisies are always pretty for a summer wedding." I said nothing, but I hate daisies; they're so tacky and cheap! And now, I don't know exactly what the heck I'll be getting until the last minute. Plus, everyone in my fiancé's family is gossiping about how pushy and ungrateful I am. I'm so angry and stressed-out now. How can I get out of this situation, and just get exactly what I want on the most important day of my life?

(submitted by stressbride    summarized above)





A:AMY:  Bad news Bridezilla: you can't. Unfortunately, when you both gladly accepted her generous offer, you also accepted the fact that--since you're not paying a penny--you can't boss her around like you could a hired florist. Of course, I understand that you want exactly what you want; you're the bride. But put yourself in her shoes. She's a professional florist (and the groom's sister) so I'm sure she wants everything to look beautiful on the big day. But the truth is, she probably won't be able to guarantee the exact flowers you'll be getting until very close to your wedding date--which is part of the deal. My advice: don't worry so much. When I married John, I decided to design and produce all the floral arrangements myself. (I'm a crazed Martha Stewart disciple!) And just like your future sister-in-law, I had a general concept of the colors I wanted, but I didn't know exactly what I'd be getting until I was frantically buying dozens and dozens of gorgeous white roses the day before. In the end, flowers aren't what make a wedding special. So just relax; everything will work out fine. Telling her, "Thanks--but no thanks" at this point would certainly cause a family feud, and years of family tension. And if you get daisies, just smile--and think about the thousands of dollars you're saving on flowers. 



JOHN:  Excuse me but...what have you done with my wife Amy?! Did I just hear the Supreme Commander of all Family Feuds and Grudges actually advising someone to avoid "a family feud, and years of family tension?" I'm literally dumbstruck. I now have to end this paragraph for some quiet time...

OK--Dear "stressbride," while I agree with my suddenly reasonable (perhaps only temporarily sane) wife, do not be fooled by her new relaxed attitude towards wedding flowers. True, Amy did do all of the flowers for our wedding--but ONLY because she didn't trust that any professional florist could do it better. Amy's a control freak of the highest magnitude! So the fact that that she's instructing you to relax and wait to see what your future sister-in-law comes up with for your wedding flowers is downright hypocritical.

Still, Amy's advice--however unexpected--makes good sense. If you can somehow let this go, and just hope for the best, you'll be better off.  While I'm sure it's difficult to imagine right now, I promise, a month after the wedding, none of your guests will remember what kind of flowers were on display. BUT, how you choose to start off your relationship with your new sister-in-law will have repercussions for years to come.

If you just can't keep your mouth shut, I suggest you send a polite email to your future sister-in-law. Begin by thanking her profusely for the favor. (Make sure you sound sincere; ask your fiancé to proofread it!) Then explain that you've been dreaming about your wedding flowers since you were a little girl and attach some photos of exactly what you have in mind. That's all you can do. If you still end up with daisies on June 27th, let it slide. I happen to like daisies.