Amy vs. the Thong

The underwear debate rages on

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  Am I the only woman on earth who doesn't wear a thong? I'm really starting to wonder because I was in a huge, open dressing room with twenty or so half-naked shopaholics today, and I was the only one wearing "normal" old-fashioned underwear. Let me explain. Here in New York, we have tons of designer sample sales where one can score some truly amazing bargains. The only drawbacks: super-long lines of crazed, angry women and very hot, crowded non-private dressing rooms. Like dumb cattle, we're all herded in. Then we dump our fashionable finds on the floor and start trying on...as fast as we possibly can. It's a mad race to see who can exceed her credit card limit first.



But today's dressing room experience was particularly unpleasant--even for a shopping warrior like myself. It was even more crowded than usual, a hot and sticky ninety degrees, and women were elbowing each other, fighting over mirrors. Trust me; it wasn't pretty.

It was at this point that I finally looked around and noticed that EVERYONE was wearing thong underwear but me. (No, I'm not a pervert for looking! It's just like a giant locker room, so it's impossible not to notice women who are stripping five inches from me in all directions.)

And these thong-wearers weren't exactly what you'd expect. Many of their derrieres--how can I put this delicately?--would've looked a lot more attractive covered up. Sure, some looked good. But many were very, very large, pimply, and downright dimpled. Even more surprising, they ranged in age from about fifteen to sixty, every generation--all in thongs! What the heck is going on? I thought thongs were a trend that had come and gone. Is this just a Manhattan phenomenon?

When exactly did thongs become the norm? And when did my traditional butt-covering style become obsolete? (Frankly, today I felt like I was wearing Victorian bloomers.)

And what is the appeal of the thong anyway? Is it just to look sexy in front of their boyfriends or husbands? I sincerely doubt men would wear such uncomfortable undergarments, even if it turned woman on. We're lucky if he's wearing a clean pair without any holes, right?

I guess I'm just not a thong woman. I tried. A few years ago, I broke down and bought a couple because I was planning on wearing some unusually tight black pants and I wanted to avoid panty lines. Unfortunately, I spent the entire night running to the ladies room to adjust what felt like the world's worst wedgie. I felt miserable and naked. Truth is, I like having a layer of fabric between myself and my clothing. It feels more hygienic and civilized. OK, maybe I'm just a total prude. Or maybe I associate thongs with strippers and women like Britney Spears and Monica Lewinsky. Whatever the reason, I intend to keep wearing my good old granny panties as long as they keep selling them. 


JOHN:  What am I'm supposed to say here? You're my wife and I love you. And I think you're pretty damn sexy in any underwear--even your cotton granny panties. At the same time, I'm a mortal man, flesh and bone. So I can't deny that I'd love to catch a glimpse of you sporting a lacy thong once every few years. FACT: Men love thongs.

My limited understanding is that the thong has become a staple of the modern woman's wardrobe. As you've explained, when a woman is wearing something particularly derriere-hugging, she needs a thong to maintain that perfect "smooth butt" look. So, fine, thongs aren't your cup of tea. I've accepted that. But let's not judge other women who prioritize the "smooth butt" look. In fact, God bless'em.

And if women of all ages are wearing thongs, perhaps some women actually feel more comfortable in them. The truth is, Amy, the one time you tried wearing a thong, you weren't only uncomfortable because of  the "wedgie" you were enduring. You were also uncomfortable because you felt a little risqué, even immoral, in such skimpy sexy underwear. You didn't feel like your safe, sensible self.

But remember, thongs are just a different style of underwear. So maybe you could give thongs and thong-devotees a break. Even better, maybe you could give thongs another try.