Read My Mind!

And ignore what comes out of my mouth

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  Last Saturday afternoon, my mean husband John abandoned me at Banana Republic. Here's what happened. As usual, we were bickering about something really stupid, so I got fed up. I snapped back at him and stormed off into the store to cool off, calm down and peruse the sale rack. I hate arguing in public; it's so embarrassing. John, on the other hand, seems to enjoy the attention of strangers. (He should've been an actor.)

Anyway, in the heat of battle, I left him on the street in order to seek refuge at Banana Republic--without warning. John followed me in, walked up behind me, and here's how our conversation unfolded.



John:  "C'mon Amy."

Me:  (silence...naturally, I ignore him, and continue shopping.)

John:  "Amy, this is stupid; let's not fight."

Me:  (I begin looking at belts, pretending not to hear or see him.)

John:  "If you're going to act like this, I may as well leave; do you want me to leave?"

Me:  "Yes--leave! I hate you."

John:  "Are you sure?; do you really want me to leave?"

Me:  "Yes!"

John:  "Amy, don't tell me to leave if you don't want me to leave. I'm not playing games with you; let's just try to get along."

Me:  (silence)

John:  "OK, so you really do want me to leave?"

Me:   "Yes, just leave."

John:  "OK, fine, bye."

Me:  (After a few minutes, I look around, wondering where he's hiding, but I don't see him. So I exit the store assuming he's waiting outside. But--shock!--he's not there. Furious, I call his cell.)

John:  "Hi."

Me:  "Where the hell did you go?"

John:  "I'm almost home. I stopped to buy a nice burrito at Chipotle, and now I'm going home to relax."

Me:  "What are you talking about?! Why did you abandon me? I'll NEVER forgive you for this."

John:  "But you said, 'leave! I hate you.' So I left."

Me:  "What made you think I wanted you to leave? You're my husband you should always wait for me, no matter what I say. I can't believe you did this."

John:  "But I honestly thought you'd rather be alone."

Me:  "Why?"

John:  "Because you said so."

Me:  "I don't care what I said; you should NEVER leave me when I say, 'LEAVE!'...how could you be married and not know that?"


OK, OK, I realize the above conversation reveals that I'm (sometimes) an immature, irrational brat. (What? You're so perfect?) But it's all unfortunately true. And I wonder why men--including my husband-- still don't understand that we women don't always say exactly what we mean. (That would be so boring.) I expect that my husband should know me well enough to be able to read between the lines a bit.

Is that asking too much?! 



JOHN:  I'm so glad this is down in writing! Finally! Proof of the insanity!! I mean did anybody just read that exchange? I can't believe this is still happening! Back in the early days of our relationship, I must have learned this lesson (the hard way) a hundred times. I was like a cow that keeps getting zapped at different places along the same electrified fence. But eventually, I conditioned myself to ignore logic:  "If she tells you to leave, DON'T!"

Yet there I was, last Saturday, three years into marriage, getting zapped again!  I even said to myself, "You know John, in the old days, Amy telling you to leave in this sort of situation would mean you should really just stay." But then I said, "But you're married now, and she's not playing games anymore. She just wants to be left alone to cool off. She really does want you to leave."

D'oh!

So once again, I propose the ultimate relationships question. In the great tradition of boyfriends and husbands throughout time who've sought to make sense of their women's actions... WHY DO WOMEN--no wait, I shouldn't generalize here--WHY DO WOMEN LIKE AMY, KNOWINGLY SAY ONE THING WHEN THEY MEAN EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE?

What's the reasoning? Is it a test? OK, of course it's a test. But why? What's the point? And why should I have to keep re-taking this test? How old is too old to play these ridiculous games?