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Sex for Grades?
Should I keep sleeping with my son's teacher?By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz
Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN: I'm a divorced mom of a 12-year-old boy. Last winter, I went to meet his seventh grade math teacher to discuss his progress in his gifted math program. At the time, my son was really struggling, staying up until midnight just trying to finish his homework. He's always been at the top of his class, so I was very upset when he got a C+ in math last fall. When I met the teacher, "Mr. C," I was surprised by how flirtatious, sexy and charming he was. We ended up talking for hours, first about my son and math...then about how difficult it is being a single parent. (He's a divorced dad to an eighteen-year-old girl in college.) Anyway--long story short--we started dating, sleeping together etc. Ever since I started seeing "Mr. C," my son's math grades have gone way up! In fact, he's now got a 98.3 average in the class, probably because "Mr. C" is giving him lots of help and attention. Problem is, I'm getting sick of dating "Mr. C." He was fun at first, but now I'm feeling kind of smothered because he's calling, texting and e-mailing me way too much. I want a break. But...my son just told me that "Mr. C' is going to be the gifted math teacher next year too. And my son needs to do well because he's applying to a very competitive private school for ninth grade. So should I just keep dating "Mr. C" for the sake of my kid's grades??
(submitted by mathmommy summarized above)
A: AMY: Sure, if you want to teach him that prostitution is always the best solution to the most difficult math problems. Let's put it in math terms: son's crummy math grades + unethical math teacher + desperate single mother who'll do anything to get her kid into private school = your screwed-up mess! Sorry--but how could you have hopped into the sack with your son's teacher, and not realized that it was completely inappropriate? You can't pretend to be surprised that your son's suddenly getting A's because--deep down--I think that improving his grades was probably your primary motivation in dating "Mr. C." C'mon, don't lie! And what does your boy think about all this? Do the other kids at school know? What about the other parents? (I doubt they'd be too thrilled about the preferential treatment your son's been getting from your lover!) You have to end it with "Mr. C" before things get even worse. And your son needs to know that his future grades aren't dependent on his loose mother's sexual performance with his teachers. Your judgment as a mom: D.
JOHN: Geez Amy! A bit harsh, don't you think? Dating your son's teacher, however dubious, is not prostitution. Come on. She was single; he was single; and they met and dated--big deal! It's not as if "Mr. C" was changing the kid's grades. He was just giving the kid extra help. Where's the impropriety?
As for continuing the affair, well sure, I suppose that would be taking "grade grubbing" to a new level. Then what's your next move "mathmommy"? Are you gonna strut on over to the admissions office of that private school in a low-cut top and see who's single over there?
Look, just straighten up and dump this guy. He'll have the whole summer to get over you. Your assumption that he'll become so vindictive over losing you that he'll take it out on your son, sounds a bit narcissistic. And just remember, this is America. If your kid's math grades start tanking next year, you can always threaten to sue the school.
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Though I think that calling it prostitution is more than a little harsh, it's just as wrong to keep dating the guy for your kids grades. First and formost it was definitly wrong to date him in the first place attraction or not. Secondly when you do break up with him if he chooses to treat your son any defferent get his teacher changed I mean the guy is just as much in the wrong as you are what ever happened to keeping things professional honestly.
By no means am I saying that you should feel guilty or ashamed for having a fling or even that your sons grades is in any way your fault but you can almost garuantee that it will turn out one of three ways either you will stay with him and you will never know if your son got accepted to that fancy school because you were in bed with his teacher, you break up with the guy and he turns into a complete jerk to your son and you have to polish up on math to get your son thru, your break up both of you accept the mistake in an adult way and move on without disrupting the boys life.
"Prostitution"? That's a bit much, in my honest opinion.
Okay, so you were both single and into it. I have to wonder how this has been affecting your son, socially and mentally, but I'm going to just hope that he's okay with the two of you dating.
I don't think it's surprising that your child's grades went up. There's horrible favoritism and political play in the American classroom, and most of the time, there's very little you can do, because the school will not care (at least this is my experience with private schools, public is probably a bit better there). Of course, your child could be doing better because he's getting more one on one time to understand the material, OR your boyfriend is just pampering him to stay good in both yours and your child's eyes.
If you dump Mr. C, he might potentially take it out on your child, kiss up to your child to get back with you, OR he'll act like an adult and go back to treating your son just like everyone else.
Fact of the matter is, if your son has never actually been understanding the material, he shouldn't apply to some super hard math school. Maybe your son is meant to focus on something else in this world. If he's having a really hard time now, he's going to be miserable a few years down the line because it's only going to get harder. I know how parents push certain aspects of academics for potential "financial stability" for their futures, but really, there's competition and difficulty everywhere. If your son honestly enjoys math, even though he's struggling, let him keep fighting it out. Get him a tutor. Passion is the ultimate driving force, though it will not guarantee good grades. Einstein was a dropout.
In any case, if you're done with Mr. C, you're done (of course I should ask if you've told him you need more space? - the main failure of relationships is communication). But don't keep dating him for the sake of your son's grades. Some teachers will give him A's and B's, and some will not. He can get help from a tutor instead of his teacher. If Mr. C gives him any trouble after the break-up, try to take it up with the school. It might help, it might not.