Sex With My Ex

Why is it hotter now that we're broken up?

By Amy Kean & John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  In 2007, I dated "Tommy" for a total of ten months. We broke up for lots of reasons, but the main reason was our relationship got boring--especially the sex. Neither of us had the guts to say that outright, but I know that I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore. Fine, we both went on with our lives, dating other people, etc. Then this past February, we bumped into each other at a mutual friend's birthday party. Both of us were with dates at the time, but I suddenly felt much more attracted to him when I saw him with a very pretty woman. In fact, a week or so later, I called him up and left a flirty message saying, "It was so awesome to see you the other night...let's meet for a drink." So we did, and we ended up having the most exciting sex ever! We're both still dating other people, but now we can't stop meeting up every week or so "just for sex." It's crazy because the sex was so boring when we were in a committed relationship, but now that we feel like we're sort of cheating on other people...it's so hot. (I get turned on when I make him tell me intimate details about the women he's slept with since me.) I find myself daydreaming about him at work non-stop, but then I feel like a terrible person because I know it's all pretty sleazy. I'm having a blast, but I'm wondering if what I'm doing is wrong.


(Submitted by straykitten6   summarized above)



A: JOHN:  Isn't human sexuality bizarre? Look, I'd hate to rain on your hot sex parade, but the reason you feel like you're "sort of cheating on other people" is because YOU ARE! So you can stop wondering--Yes, it's wrong! I want both of you to go right now and text all the other people you're dating and tell them "it's over." You can keep reading when you're done.

Now that your slut ways are behind you, the question is: How can you maintain this sexual excitement with "Tommy" without jerking around innocent people? What if you just keep "Tommy" a secret? If you don't tell your friends or family that you're dating anyone, couldn't you keep your "affair" exactly as clandestine and purely sexual as it is right now? And if what gets you excited is "Tommy" talking about his sex with other women, tell him to just make it up. If he's got any sort of an imagination whatsoever, he can give you all the spicy details from a lifetime of sexcapades without ever going on a single date with some other poor fool. (If he runs out of ideas, get him a dirty book from Amazon.com.)

Eventually, you'll have to base your relationship on something more than just hot sex. But in the meantime, as long as neither of you are stringing along other innocent people, why not keep playing the mistress and have some fun?



AMY:  Yeah, yeah, but I think you're missing the point. Read her letter again. She clearly confesses, "now that we feel like we're sort of cheating on other people...it's so hot." In other words, she's turned-on ONLY because--deep down--she knows that what they're both doing is immoral. It's the old, "If it's so wrong, why does it feel so right" crap. Get it? So I doubt that your silly little "just keep 'Tommy' a secret" plan is going to be quite as titillating to her. The fact is that "straykitten6" is turned on by the very idea of being bad. It's awful, but true--and far more common than we'd like to admit.

So what can I really say here? You admit that you're "having a blast" even though you know you're behaving like a selfish, reckless tramp. Whatever--enjoy your STDs. We obviously can't stop you. But I do think you're selling yourself short. After all, you already dated this jerk for ten long months in 2007, and determined that the relationship--and the sex--was boring. So isn't this sexual fling a total dead-end, more or less? You're certain that you don't want to pursue a real relationship with him, so why waste any more time on him? It is possible to find a committed, fulfilling relationship with all the racy thrills of an affair. I did.