Too Happy Househusband

Why won't my husband look for a job?


By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  My husband, 41, was laid off from his sales job last December. At first, he was so depressed because he'd worked there over nine years; plus he was very worried about how we'd make ends meet. (We have twin 7-year old boys, a big mortgage and tons of credit card debt.) Since our boys are in school now, I offered to pitch in. I went back to work at the accounting firm where I'd worked before we got engaged. By February, I was running off to the office, and he was getting up to make us all breakfast and take the boys to school. The only problem:  after he drops off the boys, he comes back home and either plays guitar all morning, surfs the Net, goes to the gym for three hours, or simply goes back to sleep! When I ask him about his job hunt, he says, "It's a big waste of time; I'd rather just wait for the economy to turn around. Plus, it's been amazing to finally get to spend time with the boys." It's true that the kids get to see him more, and he does take care of the laundry, keep the house clean, etc. But I'm worried he's never going to get a job again! Since I'm making less then he did, we're just barely squeaking by each month. So now I'm really tense about money all the time. Meanwhile, he seems perfectly happy with everything! Lately, my sisters are asking, "Is that deadbeat husband of yours ever going to work again?" They're only half-joking, and I'm really embarrassed. How can I get him back to work?

(submitted by Philiemom   summarized above)




A: JOHN:  Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the rush here? You mean to tell me that because your husband has been acting LIKE YOU for the past six months, he's a "deadbeat"? So what were you for the past 7 YEARS? Oh that's right, when a woman does it, she's a "homemaker" but when a man does it, he's a "deadbeat." NICE! Here's a link to the word sexism. Check it out. I must say, I'm thrilled to hear a woman finally getting a taste of what it's like to be the sole breadwinner for a family. Not so wonderful, huh? Are you saying that constantly worrying about money as you watch your spouse spend time with the kids, go to the gym, and take up hobbies is causing you resentment? Well I think that's great.

Look, as you've now discovered, working can suck just as much as homemaking. That's why, ideally, you both do both. Sure it's great if one member of a couple is happy to act as homemaker while the other brings in the money, but this set up almost always leads to some resentment on one part or the other and often, on both.

So give your husband some more time. He's enjoying his househusband lifestyle for many reasons, but the main one is that it's totally new and different from the past nine years. I say you give him as much as two years. By then, the daily drudgery of keeping house and dealing solely with the issues of seven-year-olds will motivate him to look for a new job.

Meanwhile, keep kicking ass at the accounting firm! Who knows? Two years from now you might both be working at great jobs. Then you'll have enough combined income to buy a nicer house, take fancy vacations and have an overall better life!


AMY:  Let me point out that--as usual--you've overlooked a very important fact in this reader's situation: their twins are in school now. So when you suggest that this woman has been taking it easy the past seven years or so, you seem to be conveniently ignoring the fact that she already endured the WORST part: giving birth to twins (Ugh!) and caring for them--24-hours a day!--for the hellish three or four years before they went to school. She dealt with non-stop crying, poopy diapers, and vomit...times two. 

Having said that, of course there's certainly nothing "wrong" with a guy taking off of a year or two to stay home--especially if he still manages to keep an organized, clean house. And in this economy, there are probably tons of fired or laid-off fathers who are suddenly househusbands.

Still, like many wives, you expect your husband to be the primary breadwinner. OK--that's pretty common. And I won't judge you. But if you want to get your man back on the payroll, you need to apply pressure. He's gotten too comfortable. So I suggest shame, and lots of it. Even better--since you're the only breadwinner--give him a meager (emasculating!) allowance. That should do the trick. You'll be a happy housewife again in no time.