Breaking Baby News!

Amy and John are having a baby

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  Yes, it's one hundred percent true! There's so much to tell, so where do I begin?

OK, let's start with the basic facts: John and I are expecting our first child--a baby boy--early this fall. (The "boy" detail really threw me for a loop because I was always certain that, when I got pregnant, I would definitely have a girl--no question. In fact, I'd been keeping an ongoing list of beautiful girls' names since I was about twelve. But I'd never even thought about boys' names. So much for my great "intuition.")



These days, every time I catch my reflection in a mirror or a shiny store window, I think, "OH MY GOD...I'm going to be a mother?!"

(It's thrilling and terrifying for me to type those words.) But am I really ready to be a mother? Will I know how to take care of a baby? Do I even like babies? Will I lose my freedom forever? What about my marriage? How much does it really hurt to give birth? Will I get stretch marks? Don't we have to move to a bigger place now? What do I need to buy for a baby? Scary questions like these are flooding my mind non-stop now. That's normal, right?

I'm so excited, but I just can't believe it's really happening. Even though I do realize that I'm going to have a child, it won't seem "real" until there's a live, screaming baby in my arms. I need to see his pink little moving toes and a fuzzy little head to believe it. No matter how many blurry sonograms I'm handed, it's still just a bizarre dream to me. 

When I'm alone, in bed or in the bathtub, I can feel my mysterious little creature shift around from side to side, then abruptly kick me a bunch of times. And I can actually look down and watch my stomach violently move up and down, like there's a trapped squirrel or ferret inside me, desperately trying to escape. These are the times when I honestly can't believe how crazy pregnancy is.

Of course, I would've blurted out the baby announcement sooner, but I'm insanely superstitious. Everyone warned me, "Don't blab about it until you start showing; it's bad luck."

Well, the cat's out of the bag because I'm certainly showing now. (Although you can't really tell from our "Amy vs. John" videos because we only shoot from the neck up.) Suddenly, I have a big potbelly. And it feels semi-hard, kind of like an over-ripened watermelon. Since I've never been pregnant before, or touched anyone else's pregnant stomach, I just assumed my expectant belly would be soft and doughy. I was wrong. 

It's funny. Recently, when I get in the elevator in my apartment building, my confused neighbors smile at me, then discreetly glance down at my brand new big stomach poking out from my T-shirt or blouse. I watch them all do it. They look surprised, then they open their mouths to say, "Are you pregnant?" But they all stop themselves, afraid that maybe I've just gotten fat.

Speaking of getting fat, gaining weight--without guilt--has been by far my biggest challenge during pregnancy. Like most American women, ever since I was a teenager, I've tried to watch what I eat. I haven't been completely obsessed, but I've made sure that I never went over a certain size or weight. (I like to think I'm in control.) But now, every time I go to the obstetrician and the nurse happily announces my new weight, I literally cringe. Then my doctor says, "Don't worry about the number now Amy--it's all for the baby; and it's not all about you anymore."

Not all about me anymore??  I don't like the sound of that!


JOHN:  Even though I've always dreamt of becoming a father and raising a child with Amy, the news that she was actually pregnant came as a complete surprise. I was shocked! I'm still shocked. Every day, I walk around in a daze with a confused look on my face. It seems like nothing in my life has really changed yet. But then, I'll be at work, just standing there and an incredibly intense emotion--it could be elation, terror, pride or panic-- will just envelop my mind like someone's blown smoke in my face. But then--poof!--it's gone, and everything's back to normal until the next one hits.

As Amy points out, it's hard to comprehend that anything's happened at all. I'm still the same person and so is Amy (except for that giant, moving hard thing in her stomach). We're still pretty much living our usual lives.

But a baby is coming! And fast!

He's coming to live with us. Indefinitely!

WHAT?!!!

And we have to feed it, change it, and give it EVERYTHING...

...FOREVER!


So, to sum up, I'm shocked. And I don't know what the hell I'm going to do, but I'm really looking forward to this.