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Does "Samantha" Exist?
Do some women only want sex?By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz
JOHN: Yesterday, an attractive thirty-six-year-old woman told me--point blank--that she doesn't ever want to get married; she doesn't ever want to have kids; and she definitely prefers "booty calls" to long term relationships with men. It really took me by surprise. Here's an excerpt from our conversation:
John: So let me get this straight. On "Sex and the City" you identified most with Kim Cattrall's character?
Woman: Yes! I'm definitely a Samantha-type.
John: But what about true love? Don't all women want to fall in love?
Woman: Oh I never said that I don't have love in my life. I have amazing friends and a great family. I've got all the love I could ever want. And I even have guy friends whom I love. I just don't love any of them enough to want to spend all of my time with them.
John: What do you say to people who tell you, "You just haven't met the right guy"?
Woman: I tell them that I can't stomach the idea of being stuck with one person for my entire life. I love living alone. I like my "Me Time." I like having my stuff just the way I want it. And I certainly don't want anybody living in my space, messing up my stuff. Most of all, I like my freedom. If I suddenly find myself in a bar full of hot guys and I'm in the mood, I want the freedom to be able to take a hot guy home with me.
John: And so sex is just for sex's sake? There's no emotion in it whatsoever?
Woman: Well, I wouldn't say that "there's no emotion in it whatsoever" but I look at sex as something that a person needs every now and then...like say, sleeping or eating. But I don't need to eat with someone I love for the food to taste good.
This woman seemed completely honest with me and appeared totally confident in her lifestyle choice. Suddenly her logic-- if you know you don't want to have kids, why on earth would you ever feel the need to get married?--started to make sense.
So is this really the attitude of a self-satisfied, evolved modern woman? Or is she just a person who's so doubtful, so disheartened that no guy will ever love her, that she's built this "Samantha" façade to avoid risking any vulnerability.
AMY: Even though "Sex and the City" is only in reruns, there are still plenty of Samantha disciples roaming around, especially here in New York. But--deep down--I've never really bought their "Who needs romance?" routine. I've always thought it was a defensive act.
(However, I definitely do believe there are plenty of women out there who don't want marriage and kids. We'll chat about that on a future blog. )
But let's just discuss the "sex for sex's sake" attitude.
Sure, lots of women claim they have no real need for a solid commitment from one person. They insist that they'd much rather have "no-strings" wild sex, than a long-term relationship. Whatever...that doesn't sound too safe in 2009.
But I say: Every woman--Samantha or not--still wants the guy to call her the next day. There isn't a woman on this planet who doesn't enjoy a heart-felt love letter, a car door opened for her, or a beautiful bouquet for no reason. I can't believe that any woman doesn't feel secretly hurt when I guy is perfectly happy to have sex with her, but doesn't think she's worth taking out to a decent dinner. (And by the way, if people are so comfortable sleeping around, why do they so often need alcohol in order to do it? Or do they just use alcohol as a convenient excuse afterward?)
Bottom line: We can pretend all we want, but humans crave love, affection and attachment...just as much as sex.
Sure, I agree that sex is a healthy part of life for adults. But to only recognize the physical aspect of sex is pretty sad and shortsighted. If a woman truly loves, respects and trusts her partner, sex has the capacity to be so much deeper and more exciting. The physical part is just scratching the surface.
Of course, promiscuous men, LOVE the fact that these Samantha-types exist because then they can act like selfish dogs--guilt free. When they get what they want and then tip toe out, they can tell themselves, "Hey she wanted it too...and she knew it was just a booty call--no big deal."
But all sex should be a big deal. It's no coincidence that sex, in and of itself, has such serious emotional and physical consequences. It's supposed to!
I wonder what would happen if all women held men to a higher standard?
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I don't think this attitude describes a self-satisfied, evolved modern woman. If a man were expressing the same lifestyle he would be looked at as selfish, trying to escape natural consequences and responsibilities, and just generally refusing to grow up. I think the same is true of any woman too. It is a selfish lifestyle choice.
I FEEL A WOMAN IS MISSING SOME SELF ESTEEM IF SHE PREFERS HAVING SEX WITH DIFFERENT MEN.HOWEVER,IF SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS IT IS BEST IF SHE IS HONEST AND DOES NOT HAVE THEM.WE DO NOT NEED MORE KIDS FEELING UNWANTED OR GET LED ASTRAY. MOMMAW
Very interesting points to all. However, mommaw, I don't agree with your first statement. Just because a woman enjoys having sex with different men does not necessarily mean she has self-esteem issues. I know women who (although unlike Samantha) hope to get married and have kids one day, but while they're in their early 20's and 30's(however long before the walk down the aisle) they enjoy sex with different men. Now, this doesn't mean they hop into bed with every man they meet, just that they understand how fulfilling and exciting sex can be, and that each person does SOMETHING different or has his/her own style. There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until marriage to have sex if that's the decision you make for yourself, but according to that statement, even a woman who's had sex with 2 men is lacking self esteem. The thing is...even the virgin on her wedding night will be nervous and possibly looking for acceptance from her groom. So...yeah...I think that sex can be a beautiful thing, ESPECIALLY if shared by two people who care a lot about/love each other. So, maybe this 36 year old woman is really just a promiscuous woman who didn't get enough when she was younger...oooorrr...maybe she just doesn't think that there's a man who will do enough for her to be willing to give up her independence, space, and "Me" time for him.
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Maybe this woman is just thinking outside the box. Women are fed this idea of love, marriage, and kids. And that works great for some people but not others. Sometimes it isn't all it's made out to be. The divorce rate in the US is very high. Maybe it isn't about self-esteem issues, maybe it is exploration. Maybe it is about variety. Why can't a woman get satisfaction in any way she sees fit? Of course, you have to be careful and smart. But sometimes when a woman is at different stages in her life (20's, 30"s, 40"s) she wants different things and maybe it isn't as predictable as some people think. Maybe not all women want love, marriage and kids. Maybe some want sex. Some want kids and sex. Maybe some women want their cake and to eat it to. Instead of just giving, some women are into the taking.
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