Amy vs. John
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Just Agree With Me!
A guide to "listening" for husbandsBy Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz
JOHN: As a longtime love advice columnist--and a husband--I should really know better! But I keep making the same dumb mistake over and over again.
RULE: When your wife comes to you with an angry complaint about something, or someone, she wants you to SHUT UP and...LISTEN. She doesn't need you to fix it or try to explain it. She just wants you to be quiet, look her in the eye, and empathize. (Uggh! What could be more tedious? Especially since Amy's angry rants usually last for hours.)
As a man, I naturally assume that complaining (or whining) is more or less a waste of time. Women, however, disagree. Complaining and whining are "therapeutic" and right up there with talking on the phone and shopping.
Amy doesn't want to hear a fresh point of view about her conflict. Never! What Amy really wants is for me to share in her anger.
For example, last night, she came to me bitching and moaning about a silly argument with a friend. As usual, she went on and on, pacing in front of me, blocking the TV the whole time.
"And then she had the nerve to say..."
"And can you believe she actually said..."
"What makes me so mad is that she specifically told me..."
"She's such a @#$%X!!"
I realize now that I was supposed to respond with the following:
"I cannot believe she had the nerve..."
"Oh my god--are you serious? She actually said that?"
"And didn't she specifically tell you..."
"What a @#$%X!!"
If I had just remembered my "reaction rules," and recited those lines, Amy would have been perfectly satisfied with my performance as husband/ sounding board. (And I would've been able to happily go back to playing with my new iPhone for the rest of the night.)
But no...
Because I'm a stupid man, I tried desperately to calm her down. I tried to give her a little healthy perspective. So I kept butting in during her tirade, explaining what may have motivated her friend to act the way she did. I also made the fatal mistake of repeatedly saying, "C'mon Amy, you know you don't mean that; deep down you still really like her."
How could I be such a damn idiot?
Sure enough, Amy lashed out at me:
"You ALWAYS do that!"
"You never, ever side with me!"
"Why the hell are you defending her?! You're so disgustingly disloyal!"
"I can't be married to someone who's such a traitor!"
Why did I even bother? So what if she's angry at her friend? It'll pass; it always does. But why do I feel the need to talk her down from her rage?
Do men ever learn?
AMY: John, you're my husband and I do love you, but--YOU'RE THE WORST "LISTENER" ON EARTH!
To add salt to my wounds, after reading your thoughts above, I now realize that you're completely aware of what you're doing wrong. Yet you still refuse to do the right thing.
Don't you get it? About 75% of your "job" as husband is to, yes, listen to my "rants"...then politely agree with me...even if you don't.
When I complain about, say, the rising interest rate on my credit card, I don't want to hear: "Well, Honey, you know credit card companies need to make money too." (Why the hell are you defending the giant, evil credit card companies, over me?!) You're supposed to say: "Credit card companies are just criminals, plain and simple."
And when I complain about a smelly pervert standing way too close to me on the subway, I don't want to hear: "Maybe the poor guy just didn't realize that he has body odor or that he was standing so close to you." (Good God--whose side are you on?)
Oh, and when we come home from an expensive restaurant, and I complain that the waiter was incredibly rude, bringing me cold food, a full hour after I ordered, I don't want you to say: "Why not give the poor guy a break? He certainly had his hands full."
At this point, I think if I came home, screaming, "John--some monster just snatched my purse!!!" you'd calmly respond with, "Well...he probably needed the money more than you do."
You never, ever side with me--your damn wife!--about anything.
Instead you do the worst thing imaginable. You offer "an alternate point of view."
What's worse than telling your husband a story about someone wronging you, and then having to listen to him defend that person?!
When I'm angry, I certainly don't care about the other side's point of view or perspective.
If someone wrongs me, I expect you to hate that person too.
It's your duty dammit!
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Always remember John, if Amy isn't happy, your not going to be happy. Thats just a fact of life that all men learn sooner or later and the sooner you learn it the easier life becomes LOL.
You know I compleatly get it from Amys point of veiw and I am glad that you actualy take the time to think about those things John!! Its the same with my Fiance, when he doesn't take my side I feel like I am the one that is always wrong, and he is always right (or so he thinks lol). I am not trying to belittle my soon to be husband, I just wish some times that he would say, "YES babe you are right and she/he should have never said that to you, that was wrong and you have every right to be mad". Instead of telling me that I need to just let it go, or that I am over reacting, or that IM WRONG, or getting upset with me.... I get so upset with him not agreeing with me even a little that it makes things worse and then we fight and things excelate. I am actualy going to have him read your post John I think it is well stated and can help alot peoples relation ships! And Doug20 Im glad you get it to lol!!
Tiff
You know I compleatly get it from Amys point of veiw and I am glad that you actualy take the time to think about those things John!! Its the same with my Fiance, when he doesn't take my side I feel like I am the one that is always wrong, and he is always right (or so he thinks lol). I am not trying to belittle my soon to be husband, I just wish some times that he would say, "YES babe you are right and she/he should have never said that to you, that was wrong and you have every right to be mad". Instead of telling me that I need to just let it go, or that I am over reacting, or that IM WRONG, or getting upset with me.... I get so upset with him not agreeing with me even a little that it makes things worse and then we fight and things excelate. I am actualy going to have him read your post John I think it is well stated and can help alot peoples relation ships! And Doug20 Im glad you get it to lol!!
Tiff
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I love Amy's point. Hubbie and wifey are in it together. It's called Love and love speaks love. How can love come across if Amy feels that John cares more for a stranger feelings than hers. John listen to Amy. She is screaming really loud. How can you not hear her?
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John , thanks for that great post, you know it's almost like you read my العاب بنات mind
This really makes me laugh, even when i agree to Amy, John always comes into my mind. Its just a usual incident which happen between couples, when your partner dosent support you , you tend to fell that you are wrong, its the characteristic of human mind. Most of the men dosent tend to agree with what women tell, i guess its Our fault, and we love making them angry :) Maybe Guys or rather Husbands should read this article, and wife's could hope that they will at least consider them in future :)
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Awww guys.... I've had this situation so many times with my Fiance! He works from home, and I am in a job I don't like and come home every day from work and have to have "my rant" which lasts for anywhere between half an hour to a couple of hours!!
My partner though, bless him, has now learnt to do the "Yes Dear Dance"! It sounds patronising, but actually when he does it it just helps, because I understand that he understands I am just venting!!
And now, more often than not, 5 or 10 minutes into 'my rant', I will just stop, loose all energy for it, hug him and talk about something more important to us as a couple!
Thank you for the post!
Rach.
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As a wife you need to listen more. i think this is a must to help the relationship. Also the husband should too.
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Hi I also agree with Amy. John she is telling you something far more important than anything. Listen to her. My Fiance and I used to have these fights too. We were always apart though the fact that we were living together. Unlike when we live separately our minds is that were always together.. what an irony.. Maybe we were just adjusting at that time because as time goes by we were able to handle our own things and we were able to cope up with what we want,, especially what each others want. My fiance is very understanding. Actually Im the one mostly starting the fight because I am not used to living with someone besides my dog so adjustments pressure arise. But thank God we were able to adjust and cope up. My only best advice for you John is to listen to Amy. Listening to each other is the key to a better and alive relationship. :-)
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Well ... I like this posting. It's inspiring for me. Husband is a chief at our home. So we should be always hear him.
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This is real cool story. That reminds me how my husband would struggle each time when I am angry and I shout in home about the incidents that happens in my office. But, I love my husband to be practical always. He will always point out my mistakes if I am wrong in any instance. And however angry I am, I will just sit and think of what my husband told me.
This is what is called real love. Right? Sharing of thoughts is more important. Amy needs to realize this and at times she should hear what exactly is John's point to justify she is wrong! clothing jewelry
It's inspiring for me. Husband is a chief at our home. So we should be always hear him. I like this posting. Blog Posting Service Search Engine Optimization Social Bookmarking Submission Link Building Services