Just Agree With Me!

A guide to "listening" for husbands

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz


JOHN:  As a longtime love advice columnist--and a husband--I should really know better! But I keep making the same dumb mistake over and over again.

RULE: When your wife comes to you with an angry complaint about something, or someone, she wants you to SHUT UP and...LISTEN. She doesn't need you to fix it or try to explain it. She just wants you to be quiet, look her in the eye, and empathize. (Uggh! What could be more tedious? Especially since Amy's angry rants usually last for hours.)

As a man, I naturally assume that complaining (or whining) is more or less a waste of time. Women, however, disagree. Complaining and whining are "therapeutic" and right up there with talking on the phone and shopping.

Amy doesn't want to hear a fresh point of view about her conflict. Never! What Amy really wants is for me to share in her anger.

For example, last night, she came to me bitching and moaning about a silly argument with a friend. As usual, she went on and on, pacing in front of me, blocking the TV the whole time.

"And then she had the nerve to say..."
"And can you believe she actually said..."
"What makes me so mad is that she specifically told me..."
"She's such a @#$%X!!"

I realize now that I was supposed to respond with the following:

"I cannot believe she had the nerve..."
"Oh my god--are you serious? She actually said that?"
"And didn't she specifically tell you..."
"What a @#$%X!!"

If I had just remembered my "reaction rules," and recited those lines, Amy would have been perfectly satisfied with my performance as husband/ sounding board. (And I would've been able to happily go back to playing with my new iPhone for the rest of the night.)

But no...

Because I'm a stupid man, I tried desperately to calm her down. I tried to give her a little healthy perspective. So I kept butting in during her tirade, explaining what may have motivated her friend to act the way she did. I also made the fatal mistake of repeatedly saying, "C'mon Amy, you know you don't mean that; deep down you still really like her."

How could I be such a damn idiot?

Sure enough, Amy lashed out at me:

"You ALWAYS do that!"
"You never, ever side with me!"
"Why the hell are you defending her?! You're so disgustingly disloyal!"
"I can't be married to someone who's such a traitor!"

Why did I even bother? So what if she's angry at her friend? It'll pass; it always does. But why do I feel the need to talk her down from her rage?

Do men ever learn?


AMY:  John, you're my husband and I do love you, but--YOU'RE THE WORST "LISTENER" ON EARTH!

To add salt to my wounds, after reading your thoughts above, I now realize that you're completely aware of what you're doing wrong. Yet you still refuse to do the right thing.

Don't you get it? About 75% of your "job" as husband is to, yes, listen to my "rants"...then politely agree with me...even if you don't.

When I complain about, say, the rising interest rate on my credit card, I don't want to hear: "Well, Honey, you know credit card companies need to make money too." (Why the hell are you defending the giant, evil credit card companies, over me?!) You're supposed to say: "Credit card companies are just criminals, plain and simple."

And when I complain about a smelly pervert standing way too close to me on the subway, I don't want to hear: "Maybe the poor guy just didn't realize that he has body odor or that he was standing so close to you." (Good God--whose side are you on?)

Oh, and when we come home from an expensive restaurant, and I complain that the waiter was incredibly rude, bringing me cold food, a full hour after I ordered, I don't want you to say: "Why not give the poor guy a break? He certainly had his hands full."

At this point, I think if I came home, screaming, "John--some monster just snatched my purse!!!" you'd calmly respond with, "Well...he probably needed the money more than you do."

You never, ever side with me--your damn wife!--about anything.

Instead you do the worst thing imaginable. You offer "an alternate point of view."

What's worse than telling your husband a story about someone wronging you, and then having to listen to him defend that person?!

When I'm angry, I certainly don't care about the other side's point of view or perspective.

If someone wrongs me, I expect you to hate that person too.

It's your duty dammit!