My Breasts Are Fake

Do I have to tell him about my boob job?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

Q: DEAR AMY VS. JOHN:  I'm 31, and I've been dating "Jason" for almost seven months now, and things have been awesome. We met while lifting weights at my local gym; we're both really into fitness. My secret: I used to be pretty fat. In fact, I lost nearly sixty pounds in my early twenties. The sudden weight loss left my smallish, already saggy breasts really droopy. I was so embarrassed that I never wanted any guys to see me naked...or even in a bathing suit. So I decided to get a breast augmentation for my twenty-fifth birthday. I went to an excellent doctor and opted for a behind-the-muscle procedure. Overnight I went from a miserable 36B to a confident 36DD. And the best part is, NO ONE can tell I have implants. Only my parents and two younger sisters even know I had the surgery. But I'm starting to feel really guilty lately because "Jason" keeps complimenting me on my "awesome body." On our first date, I asked him why he asked me out and he said, "Are you kidding? You had the hottest body at the gym; I had to get your number." And when we're in bed, he keeps focusing on my boobs, saying, "Your breasts are the best I've ever seen--perfect size, perfect shape." I feel so stupid now because it's been nearly seven months, and I've never told him the truth. Plus, I know that he hates fake breasts because, one night while we were watching TV, a girl came on some dumb MTV reality show with HUGE implants and he said, "Yuck--there's nothing worse than fake tits." So if he can't tell, why do I need to tell him? 

(submitted by DistresseDD   summarized above)




A: AMY:  Technically, I guess you don't have to tell him, but--no matter how extraordinary your breast surgery is--sooner or later the truth is gonna leak out. (Let's just hope that's all that leaks out!) So think... down the road. What if you eventually decide you want to marry this guy, and have a child. Are you going to keep your implants a secret while you're breastfeeding his baby? And what if you end up having trouble breastfeeding because of the surgery? How will you explain yourself then? What if the tables were turned? How would you feel if you found out "Jason" was born with a very different nose, and had rhinoplasty surgery years ago, but never told you? Wouldn't you feel duped if you believed your boyfriend had a button nose like Brad Pitt's, when it was originally more of a shnoz like, say Adrien Brody's? Everyone deserves to know the truth about their partner's real bodies. Although, to be honest, it's hard to understand why you'd want to hold on to this jerk who spends his time lifting weights, watching MTV reality shows and talking non-stop about your "awesome body" and "perfect" breasts. I say, take your fake boobs and move on.


JOHN:  I don't know whether to say "Congratulations!" or "I'm so sorry" because you either have one helluva boob job or one heck of a dumb boyfriend. Is it really possible that "Jason" can't tell they're fake? Maybe he worries you're self-conscious about them so he just acts like they're real to make you feel better. I think "Jason" knows, but he's just never mentioned it because he feels it would be impolite. I know he said "there's nothing worse then fake tits" but he could have meant "there's nothing worse than obvious fake tits." In which case, it sounds like you have a sweet, sensitive MTV-watching, weight-lifting gentleman on your hands. So don't listen to Amy. Stay the course and enjoy your relationship. (By the way, I'm sure Amy watches just as much junk on TV as "Jason" and she's just jealous of anybody who has the discipline to go to the gym on a regular basis.)

BUT... if you're really not sure if he knows, and you want to rid yourself of your guilt, why not just mention the surgery casually in a conversation? The next time someone starts talking about cosmetic surgery on television (you won't have to wait long), just chime in: "I have to say, it's been six years now, and I'm really pleased with the way my surgery has held up."

If Jason is shocked and starts screaming "Surgery! What surgery?" then you were right--he's clueless. Just tell him "I assumed you knew," and let the chips fall. Most likely, he'll get over it and you'll have nothing to worry about.