Wife Knows Best

Should wives control their husbands?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz


JOHN:  Yesterday, I got a haircut. (OK, I know what you're thinking: "Jeez, now they're writing blogs about what they did yesterday!" Boring! I agree. But keep reading because I promise I'm going somewhere with this.) 

So after my haircut, I returned home. As I walked through the door--before I even put my keys down--Amy glanced up from her laptop and said, matter-of-factly, "You have to go back."



"WHAT?!!" I whimpered, as I ran to the bathroom to find out what was wrong.

Since I only get my hair cut about three times a year, it's always somewhat traumatic for me. (That's right, I'm a guy who cares about his haircut, most of us do.) Anyway, when I left the salon, I was feeling pretty confident. All I needed was my adoring wife to throw her arms around me and say, "Honey, you look so handsome, so sexy; I love you!"
 
Instead I got, "Are you kidding? It's way too long in the back; it's a damn mullet!"

I was speechless. I ran to another, even bigger mirror. This time I craned my neck to get a look at the back of my head. Sure enough, my hair was longer than usual in the back. How did I not notice? (Have I become one of those dopey husbands who can't even see himself without his wife?)

 "Go back to the salon right now." Amy insisted. "You can't walk around like that; (here's where she started laughing at me) you look like Kenny Powers."

"I'm not going back; it's fine," I said defiantly, but knowing she was right. "It'll look better after it grows in a bit."

Amy wasn't buying it.

"You'd better leave now before the salon closes for the night."

"But I don't want to GO BACK!" I pleaded, feeling more and more like Amy's son--than husband. If I'd had a problem with my haircut, I should've said something while I was still in the chair. I can't march back into the salon now and demand that my stylist stop whatever she's doing and put me back in the chair just to trim more off the back...just because my controlling wife says so. It's too embarrassing!

"JUST GO NOW!" Amy continued. "I'm not looking at that mullet for the next three months!" 

Would it be worth it to keep my ridiculous mullet, just to prove that my wife can't always tell me how to look?

The answer was NO.

Ten minutes later, I was back in my haircutter's chair. "I'm so sorry, it's just that my wife gets crazy sometimes. She's forcing me to get more taken off the back. I think it looks great but my wife's a bit..."

"Don't worry John; this happens all the time with my married, male clients," my haircutter laughed. "When men get married, their wives become their mirrors." 

And of course, now I've got a great haircut.


AMY: As usual, you're determined to portray me as an insulting, controlling monster, when really all I'm trying to do is help.  

But it's true; I do believe that a huge part of a wife's job is to refine (read: control) her husband's "look" including clothing, shoes and hair.

So does that mean I'm your mirror? Whatever. Who cares--I can't help it.

But guess what?  You control my "look" too; you probably just don't realize it.

Even though I like to pretend that I'm so strong and confident that I don't care one bit about what you think, it's not true. I love you, so of course, I want to look perfect to you. That's just how it is.

In fact, over the years, I've kept careful mental notes on every single remark you've ever made about women on the street, in movies or in magazines. Here is a sampling of your likes and dislikes:

JOHN LIKES:

1)    Women in glasses. If they're pretty, John thinks the glasses can look incredibly sexy.
2)    Women in tight, simple turtlenecks.
3)    Women in short--yet tasteful--skirts with thick, dark opaque tights.
4)    Women with their hair pulled back in a simple, sleek ponytail.
5)    Women wearing head-to-toe midnight navy. He prefers it to black.


JOHN DISLIKES:

1)    Women with breast implants.
2)    Women who wear a lot of make-up.
3)    Women who are very tall, over 5'10" and up.
4)    Women with tattoos on their lower back.
5)    Women with super-thin eyebrows, who regularly overpluck and therefore need to draw them on.

So, you see, you're my mirror too. And when I get a new haircut, or outfit, I look to you for approval and advice. You're my husband; it's part of your job!

And if my haircut looks bad, I want you to care enough to tell me the unfiltered truth.

That's exactly what I did.