Last "Independence" Day!

Do kids ruin every vacation?

By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

AMY:  This Fourth of July has very special significance for me. Since we're having our first baby in September, this is our final INDEPENDENCE Day, so to speak.

And since we're on Cape Cod--home of the old-fashioned family vacation--I'm getting a peek into our not-so-relaxing future. All of a sudden, I'm noticing that there are unruly, noisy brats everywhere: in the restaurants, on the beaches, at the fairs, in the ponds, in the shops, in the galleries and even on the damn nature trails. 

And the poor parents look suicidal. 


John and I were at a relaxing outdoor restaurant yesterday when a couple sat next to us with a newborn baby girl and a three-year-old boy in tow. These stressed-out parents looked so incredibly tired and weathered--like war veterans, or presidents at the end of their terms.

And they had about eight bags with them. I couldn't believe they had to tote around so much crap: a gigantic double stroller, extra diapers, baby wipes, ointments, sippy cups, books, a nursing cover-up, puzzles, games, stupid little Ziploc bags of Cheerios, extra clothes--just in case there's an "accident." And that was just the stuff I could see.

But even with all this, naturally, the three-year-old pest started whining that he wanted a toy that was back at the cottage. Here's how it all went down:

BOY:  Daddy...where's my dump truck?

DAD:  (panicked, rummaging through bags) Honey, where's his truck? Don't tell me we didn't bring it.

MOM:  (already breastfeeding the newborn at the table) I don't know. Did you look in the green bag? Check both outside pockets. As you can see, I'm a little busy right now.

DAD:  (still rummaging, now sweating) How could you forget his truck? He's going to freak out without it.

MOM: I'm not the only parent who can pack a bag you know. From now on, you pack the bags.

DAD: Fine...then it'll be done right, and we'll be able to eat in peace for once!

MOM: Go to Hell, Eric.

DAD:  Nice--swearing in front of the kids. Very classy!

MOM: F*$% It! We're leaving.

DAD: Oh c'mon, they're bringing the food in a second.

MOM: I don't care; I'll be in the car.

So the frazzled mother grabs the baby and three-year-old--both now crying hysterically--and storms off. Meanwhile, the father instructs the waiter to "just wrap it all up" as if he's said that hundreds of times before. Then--poof!--they're all gone...disappearing into family "vacation" hell.

At this point, I look over at John, so thankful for two things:  #1) We don't know those people, and they're not staying with us; and #2) My tiny baby is still inside me for a couple more months, so right now I don't have to feed him, bathe him, change him or even hear him cry. I'm in no rush.

But will John and I hate each other by next summer?

I'm getting very, very nervous.


JOHN:  This is precisely why we're only having the one child. It's very rare to see parents out and about with a single child looking completely haggard and disheveled. Sure they may look tired, and they may be wearing sweatpants, but they rarely seem miserable. 

And think about it: Just the fact that couples ever decide to have a second child is a testament to a single child being fairly manageable and...maybe even fulfilling.

But show me any couple with two small children under the age of five, and I'll show you two people in full-on "cope" mode. They're simply trying to survive each minute of their lives in order to get to the next minute and then, get that one over with as soon as possible! What kind of a life is that?! (Let's not even discuss people with more than two small children--or even worse, multiples!-- because they're obviously full-blown masochists.)

So what makes anyone have more than one child? Are parents so blinded by love for their first child that they feel compelled to produce a companion for it? Why don't people listen when other parents warn them that the second child raises the stress and difficulty levels exponentially?

I have a friend with three kids and he says: "The only thing I hate more than a couple with no kids, is a couple with one kid, because they think they know."

Now obviously, some parents are better at it then others. And perhaps the couple we saw was just having a really bad day. But I'll never understand what drives a couple to overwhelm their lives with endless childcare.

I think if Amy and I can keep it to just this one child, we may still have a chance.