Sex During Pregnancy

Will things ever be hot again?


By Amy Kean and John D. Schwartz

JOHN:  As the man and husband responsible for this pregnancy (I don't know why I take such pride in writing that, but I do), my job is to be extra nice and attentive to my wife. I'm to keep the house stocked with good healthy food, prepare most of the meals, do most of the cleaning, and generally provide a care-free, peaceful environment in which she can comfortably grow a human being. I also lend a supportive ear when she needs to complain about her crippling fatigue, back pain, stomach pain, nose bleeds, swollen gums, cracked lips, leg cramps, and--she's going to kill me--constipation. She's doing great though, so far, so good.


The silver lining to all this (I was told by more than one friend and several pregnancy books) would be that suddenly my sweet wife would have huge boobs and an insatiable sexual appetite.

Well the big boobs are there, but this wild sex I was promised just isn't happening. Sure, maybe in the beginning, she'd have the occasional "hormonal surge," but now that she's past six months, with all of the fatigue, back pain, stomach pain, leg cramps, etc., even the most powerful hormonal surges get deflated. 

And what the pregnancy books don't seem to mention is that sex when a woman's seven months pregnant is just plain weird! There's another person there! I can see him moving! And it's not just any person; it's our tiny innocent baby! How's a couple supposed to feel amorous with their precious, fragile baby hanging in between them? Once it's born, we wouldn't have sex with him strapped to Amy in a cute little Baby Bjorn front pouch--how is this any different?  It's just plain creepy.

Furthermore, once the baby does finally come out, we still won't be able to have sex.  He's got to be near us at all times, doesn't he? He's a baby! So what if the baby hears us, or worse, sees us?  He'll think we're hippies!

So my questions are:  Who are these people who feel perfectly comfortable having sex during the third trimester of pregnancy? Who the hell wrote these pregnancy books? And will things ever get "back to normal" in our marriage?



AMY:  So you're complaining because I'm not strutting around for you in a see-through negligee...at seven months pregnant?! SORRY! What a terrible wife I am. 

The truth is, sure, it's "amazing and beautiful" to be growing a new life...blah, blah, blah. But during this bizarre process, my body just doesn't feel like my body anymore. In fact, I feel disconnected. And every time I look down at my stomach and watch his quick, little elbow, fist or foot punch me in the stomach, I'm reminded that I'm no longer alone. (I'll never be alone again!) My body is just a vessel for him, plain and simple. Unfortunately, none of these unexpected emotions or thoughts are exactly aphrodisiacs for me.

And the fact that I'm almost twenty pounds fatter than I've ever been in my life doesn't help me feel like my old sexy self either. I know, I know--I'm creating a life and it's (hopefully) temporary. But the only thing that'll really turn me on these days is the thought of squeezing back into my size 4 jeans from college.  

And those great "big boobs" I've developed over the last few months? Guess what? I don't even want them! I was perfectly happy with my petite 34B's--thank you very much! I'd say I'm probably one of the only women on earth who's never, ever, fantasized about having bigger breasts. So if you thought I'd be showing them off in tube tops for the rest of the summer; think again.

Look, I read those racy "lovemaking during pregnancy" chapters too. And yes, I expected to feel sexier and wilder than ever. But my mind is so damn distracted these days with so many scary questions:  Am I eating the right foods?; Where should we move?; Shouldn't we be taking those annoying parenting classes?; Should we be ordering pre-school brochures?; What 's a "birth plan" and why don't I have one?; What if I go into premature labor?; Shouldn't we have more money in the bank?; Who the hell's going to babysit?; Did I forget to take my iron pill and prenatal vitamin today?; Do either of us know baby CPR? Etc., etc...

My mind is always elsewhere, so to speak. But I'm really glad you spoke up because the last thing I want is for us to become platonic "parenting partners," covered in spit-up, bickering about how to burp the baby. Uggghhhh!

To be happy, loving parents, we must always remember to be selfish when it comes to romance. We need to always keep things hot between us, whether the baby's napping or not.

I know, and I won't forget it--promise!  There Honey, you have it in writing.