Will things ever be hot again?
By Amy Kean and John D. SchwartzJOHN: As the man and husband responsible for this pregnancy (I don't know why I take such pride in writing that, but I do), my job is to be extra nice and attentive to my wife. I'm to keep the house stocked with good healthy food, prepare most of the meals, do most of the cleaning, and generally provide a care-free, peaceful environment in which she can comfortably grow a human being. I also lend a supportive ear when she needs to complain about her crippling fatigue, back pain, stomach pain, nose bleeds, swollen gums, cracked lips, leg cramps, and--she's going to kill me--constipation. She's doing great though, so far, so good.
The silver lining to all this (I was told by more than one friend
and several pregnancy books) would be that suddenly my sweet wife would
have huge boobs and an insatiable sexual appetite.
Well the big boobs are there, but this wild sex I was promised just
isn't
happening. Sure, maybe in the beginning, she'd have the occasional
"hormonal surge," but now that she's past six months, with all of the
fatigue, back pain, stomach pain, leg cramps, etc., even the most
powerful hormonal surges get deflated.
And what the pregnancy
books don't seem to mention is that sex when a woman's seven months
pregnant is just plain weird! There's
another person there! I can see him moving! And it's not just
any person; it's our tiny innocent baby! How's a couple supposed to feel amorous with their precious, fragile
baby hanging in between them? Once it's born, we wouldn't have sex with him strapped to Amy in
a cute little Baby Bjorn front pouch--how is this any different? It's just plain creepy.
Furthermore, once the baby
does
finally come out, we still won't be able to have sex. He's got to be
near us at all times, doesn't he? He's a baby! So what if the baby
hears us, or worse, sees us? He'll think we're hippies!
So my
questions are: Who are these people who feel perfectly comfortable
having sex during the third trimester of pregnancy? Who the hell wrote
these pregnancy books? And will things ever get "back to normal" in our
marriage?
AMY: So you're
complaining because I'm not strutting around for you in a see-through negligee...at seven months pregnant?!
SORRY! What a terrible wife I am. The
truth is, sure, it's "amazing and beautiful" to be growing a new
life...blah, blah, blah. But during this bizarre process, my body just
doesn't feel like
my body anymore. In fact, I feel
disconnected. And every time I look down at my stomach and watch his
quick, little elbow, fist or foot punch me in the stomach, I'm reminded
that I'm no longer alone. (I'll never be alone again!) My body is just
a vessel for him, plain and simple. Unfortunately, none of these
unexpected emotions or thoughts are exactly aphrodisiacs for me.
And
the fact that I'm almost twenty pounds fatter than I've ever been in my
life doesn't help me feel like my old sexy self either. I know, I
know--I'm creating a life and it's (hopefully) temporary. But the only
thing that'll really turn me on these days is the thought of squeezing
back into my size 4 jeans from college.
And those great "big
boobs" I've developed over the last few months? Guess what? I don't
even want them! I was perfectly happy with my petite 34B's--thank you
very much! I'd say I'm probably one of the only women on earth who's
never, ever, fantasized about having bigger breasts. So if you thought
I'd be showing them off in tube tops for the rest of the summer; think
again.
Look, I read those racy "lovemaking during pregnancy"
chapters too. And yes, I expected to feel sexier and wilder than ever.
But my mind is so damn distracted these days with so many scary
questions: Am I eating the right foods?; Where should we move?;
Shouldn't we be taking those annoying parenting classes?; Should we be
ordering pre-school brochures?; What 's a "birth plan" and why don't I
have one?; What if I go into premature labor?; Shouldn't we have more
money in the bank?; Who the hell's going to babysit?; Did I forget to
take my iron pill and prenatal vitamin today?; Do either of us know
baby CPR? Etc., etc...
My mind is
always elsewhere, so to speak. But I'm really glad you spoke up because the
last
thing I want is for us to become platonic "parenting partners," covered
in spit-up, bickering about how to burp the baby. Uggghhhh!
To
be happy, loving parents, we must always remember to be selfish when it
comes to romance. We need to always keep things hot between us, whether
the baby's napping or not.
I know, and I won't forget it--promise! There Honey, you have it in writing.
Everything you say is right. Both of you. It's a way of looking at things you have no preparation for, and no bar to measure against. And that includes your sex life. Yeah, it's strange to do it with a baby in the room, but if the baby is sleeping, it'll never know. Even if the baby is awake, odds are it is more interested in the blurry amorphous shadow on the ceiling, than it's sleep deprived, sex deprived, alone time deprived hosts.
And when it is still in utero, it has sooooo much between you and it. All that fluid and muscle make for the most peacful place on earth.
I guarantee that denying your kid a trip to Cancun for spring break when he is 16 is going to cause more shrink-worthy resentment than having sex with him still in the womb.
Besides, you are missing out on prime freebie sex. Sex without consequence. Think about it. As long as you are both comfortable... you've got nothing to worry about.
I agree with actingcamp. You've got to convince yourself that the baby has no idea of what you're doing, especially when it's still on the inside. For the woman especially, a good orgasm can really hit the spot when you're feeling fat, bloated, achy, and hormonal.
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