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The Mom Wars
Alaina asks why moms can't just get along.By Alaina Sheer
Coming into motherhood at a fairly young age, only 26, I was one of the first in my circle of friends to have a child. Now that all of my friends are catching up it's interesting to see how we all fall into our mom roles and who fits into what mom category.
There's the Stay-at-Home moms, one of which has completely dropped off the face of the planet since having her child forming her own group of SAHM friends. Apparently she can't or won't hang out with her working mom counterparts. My working mom friends and I assume it's because she's jealous, unable to bear seeing how happy and successful we are (which is not always true, of course). But what if she isn't jealous, what if it's because she just inherently disagrees with the fact that we put our children in (gasp!) day care?
And then there are the married moms vs. the single moms.
Us single moms don't want their husbands - believe me - but many married moms look at single moms as a threat or maybe they're just jealous of our fabulous husbandless lives. I've found that only the most secure and happily married moms can actually hang out with my single mom friends and I.
I hate divisions, always have. But I can't help but feel like the married moms don't want anything to do with me no matter how hard I try to gain their approval. Once Mia, my best friend and I, were invited to a party by a male and married friend of mine. When we arrived we walked into the back yard with our little ones hopping ahead of us and our left fingers baren. Around the corner, on the patio, we found five wives, their husbands scattered about behind them tending to man things like beer and barbeque.
The glares were hard to ignore and so were the inquisatory questions. As soon as we left Mia and I compared notes only to find that we both felt equally uncomfortable. I breathed a sigh of relief because I thought I'd been having a paranoid delusion. But if Mia, the ultimate socialite, felt uncomfortable and felt the heat of the married moms glares than it definitely wasn't just me.
What do you think? Do you have married mom vs single mom wars in your lives? What about stay-at-home moms versus working moms?
And why can't we all just get along? We are all mothers after all.
WE: Women's Entertainment and the logo are service marks of WE: Women's Entertainment LLC
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
I think there is a war between the SAHM's and the WM,s for sure. Why I don't know, we are all doing what is best for our families the only way we know how.
I have no problem with SM, I applaud them again, for taking care of their children. What gets me though, is when talking to single mothers, even friends of mine, I get the "what are you complaining about" response/vibe from them when I try to vent about my day or frustrations. Like, because I am a married mother I don't have the right to talk about how shitty my mornings are getting three boys ready, out the door, to three different schools and then myself to work, on time (which is a rarity). I may have a husband but he goes to work @ 5am and can't really help with much in the mornings, it's just me and the boys. But I don't have a right to bitch about my frustrations with motherhood because of a ring on my left hand?
We are all mothers. We all go through tough times and I think we should be supportive of one another.
And no, I don't think the single mothers of the world are out to steal my husband. He has been "borrowed" my many SM neighbors throughout our life together and the thought never crossed my mind.
Just my two cents.
I hear you.
Definitely. I have a married co-worker whose husband is rarely home because of school and she may as well (logistically speaking) be a single mom.
I would never tell a married mom to "quit complaining". I'm not sure if this came off in this post correctly, but I like married moms, I like all moms.
At this particular party, however, we were definitely treated differently. So I guess it goes both ways. We all have our own experiences that we carry with us as we meet new moms for the first time.
Thanks so much for your comment!
Our shifts are different, he goes in at 5am and I go in at 7:30am which means he gets off at 2:30pm and I get off at 5pm. I get the boys by myself in the morning and he gets them by himself in the afternoon.
Your post came off well written, so much in fact that I have been thinking about posting a comment for a whole day and decided to finally do it. (Coming out of my introverted shell.) The “quit complaining” comes from my experience not your writing.
I think mothers, and women in general can be so judgmental of one another, it’s always amazed me. I think that is why I usually have more guy friends than girl friends.
I've been a single mom, I've been a married mom, I personally have never really seen the "war". I've seen the "crunchy vs mainstream", the "boob vs bottle", the "sahm vs wohm".........I've never noticed a married vs single. That's not to say it doesn't happen. I'm sure it does.
Also, knowing your vague location, I have to wonder if it's more regional. I live in the liberal heart of America and maybe that's why it's never been an issue for me.
I find this article to be divisive in and of itself though. You say you want us all to get along, but your backhanded insults at married moms and your blinding praise for single moms is..........offensive, at best. I mean, only the most "secure" and "happily married" moms are elite enough to hang with you and your friends? You ARE aware of all the implications there, aren't you?
I don't think this article does a thing to heal the rifts between moms. We all have our journey's and they are all different and at the end of the day, I have to agree with Sara.........let's not play "Who's the Bigger Martyr" and just play nice for once.
I'm a married stay-at-home mom. And I thought that the article was great at just bringing an awareness to where you in the group and how you treat others. I don't think it, in any way to be divisive. The comments about the "secure" and "happly married" moms was just to point out the type of moms that have been able to bridge the gap with ease. Not that they are "elite" and good enough to hang out with. I have found that it is easier to hang out with married moms because we face similar family situations. Ones that may differ from a single mom. I have single mom friends, but our schedules are generally off and we aren't able to get together often.
I think when it comes down to the basics a 'mom' is a 'mom'. We want the best for our families, for our children...we work hard in or out of the house, with or without a husband... and we try to find time for ourselves and our friends... And I think we need to pay attention to the position we are in and the way we treat others. Show respect to the other moms we meet and support each other... because in the end we are MOMs.