My Money Pit

I have a new home and that means spending money.

By Chuck Nice

SO I'm going through my DVD collection (most of which are films sent to me by WE tv) and I come across Money Pit, starring Tom Hanks & Shelly Long.  I was surprised to find out that my wife loves the movie, so we popped it in the player and watched. If you don't know the plot here it is: A NYC couple decides to leave their chic, cosmopolitan existence for the romantic innocence of the countryside. They do so because they think they have found a tremendous deal on a beautiful home. Needless to say the title betrays the rest of the film; the home turns out to be a money pit and their mistake leads to the demise of their relationship. The movie ends with the couple doing the happily ever after thing... provided they don't ever have kids. Okay, I added the part about the kids because let's face it--if your relationship can't handle a home renovation, there's no way in shady Haiti it can handle children. So what does this have to do with my life, since the purpose of this blog is to relate my life to movies? Well I just bought a house; and it needs a lot of work, including: a new kitchen, new roof, two new baths, new front porch, 10 new windows, new flooring and mold remediation.

Many would say, "So what, big deal, you bought a fixer upper--so fix it up". There's only one problem with me owning a fixer upper... I'm a breaker, not a fixer. I'm not handy at all! Although, I'm sure I could hammer a nail into a wall if someone held the nail... and the hammer... and the wall... oh yea, and me. Now you're probably asking why I would buy a home that needs scads of work done knowing that I am incapable of doing any of it. Well if you read my last blog, you know that farsightedness is not one of my strong suits. My wife & I closed on the home two weeks ago; and I really thought renovating a home just meant getting some estimates, checking a few references, and bing - bang - boom, you have a beautiful new home just like the ones on those home improvement shows. I had no idea that it's probably easier to buy weapons grade Plutonium than it is to find a contractor who is honest, timely, and competent. Oh my God, what have I done? It's like I threw myself to the lions; except these lions have inflated estimates and cost overruns instead of teeth and claws.

But I'm sure he's out there, my knight in dirty overalls, the guy who won't look at me just for what he can get out of me. The one who wants to do right by me and won't leer at my wallet with lust filled eyes. When I meet with these contractors I have a pretty good feeling of what it must be like for a woman at a nightclub. They almost drool as they walk through the house calculating the amount of work to be done and just how pleasurable it would be to copulate with me. Of course, I mean that figuratively, except for the one guy who kept looking at my pecs; "hey buddy, my eyes are up here". Some of these guys are just ridiculous; one had the nerve to ask me how much I was willing to spend. I told him I was hoping I could pay for the job with magic beans. But of all the consultations I've had none have been more frightening and comical than the mold guys. One looked around and, after a cursory inspection of my home, informed me that I need to dig up my foundation. That's like going to the doctor for a Flu shot and him telling you that the best cure for the flu is open heart surgery. Hey sign me up doc, chicks dig scars. After he told me that I needed a new foundation, he informed me that I had the most dangerous mold of them all--the dreaded Black mold. Well that's when I lost it; you can try and rip me off but I'm not going let you make this thing racial. Why's it got be the Black mold that's so damned dangerous? So I said good day to him--as I have done with most of them. But I know if I keep looking and keep my wits about me, the right man will come along. Hell, I'm even ready to switch teams and go with a woman. If you know any, let me know.

 

So am I afraid that this will do to my marriage what it did to the couple in the Money Pit? Not really, my wife made up her mind a long time ago that I'm an idiot. That's why she loves me... she loves to be right.