Parenting Pleasures, or Are They?

Juno causes Chuck to rant on the positives and negatives of having a kid.

By Chuck Nice

I watched a movie last night that I thought I would hate. It's the story of a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant and decides to put her baby up for adoption. No, it's not Sex and the City; it's Juno. I thought I would detest this movie because I'm a contrarian and everyone loved it; also the subject matter really disturbed me. The movie is about a high school student, Juno (Ellen Page), who comes down with a bad case of pregnancy, and decides to offer her child up for adoption to an ostensibly perfect couple Vanessa (Jennifer Garner) and Mark (Jason Bateman). My prevenient hatred of the film was based on the fact that the movie is a comedy about teenage pregnancy, and as the father of a daughter I don't find that sh** funny at all. But I was wrong. The movie was great!

There were so many issues other than teen pregnancy covered in this film that I couldn't possibly discuss them all in this blog, but there was one theme that I found particularly interesting. On the surface, Vanessa and Mark seem like the perfect yuppie couple who only need a swaddling wrapped scion to complete their trinity of happiness. The problem is they can't have a child. Vanessa is kid crazy, whereas Mark is mildly excited. You know, the kind of excitement you experience when you find out a friend just landed a really cool apartment, but then you realize you're going to have to help them move. The reason why Mark isn't that gung-ho is because he's secretly unhappy in the marriage and wants a divorce. What I love most about this movie is the message that "a child can't save a marriage." Of course, everyone says that they know that, but you'd be surprised at the number of couples who actually have a child (or more) thinking that it will solidify their failing relationship. I personally know a couple that made this mistake, and now they're divorced and hopefully saving up a significant sum of money for their kid's therapy. I say "hopefully" because it would break my heart to see the child on Dr. Phil. Not only do children not save marriages, they can actually destroy them. Please heed my advice: If your union isn't strong enough for a family (but is made for a twosome), please, please, please don't have any children.

Children are a royal hemorrhoid that's bigger than any medicated pad you can find. The painful itching and burning is something that both parents have to be willing to enjoy together or the experience will tear you apart like a bear looking for food in a camping tent. Right now you're thinking I'm cynical and bitter, but I'm not. I'm a realist. Children change the dynamics and pressure points of a marriage. The first year is hell and the next 17 are a comfortable purgatory. Your priorities as a couple shift from the two of you to the child. Now I know relationship experts say you shouldn't let this happen, but it's the natural order of things. C'mon! The sleep deprivation alone is enough to make you want to take a vacation...at Guantanamo. That is why I say you have to already be in the strongest position possible before you start making those little crumb snatchers, because you now have to learn to deal with each other as parents and not just husband and wife.

Listen, before you start to think that I am a cranky old dad who has been stripped of all fun because I made the choice to have children, let me just say that nothing could be further from the truth. I love and adore being a dad; it's probably the only thing that I do right. I love that my kids think that I'm a rock star, which is to say that I put them to bed every night by saying "Thank you Cleveland. Goodnight!" I love it but it's hard, and for a second it looked like my wife and I weren't going to make it -- that is, until I wised up and figured out that part of being a great father is being a better husband. I'm still working on that part, and when I get it right I'll let you know.