Relentlessly Awesome
- About
- Relentlessly Awesome
- Talk
- Subscribe via RSS
Parlez-Vous Guy?
A man-to-English dictionary would be nice.
By Dixie Feldman
Have you seen those dog translation devices -- the ones that purport to decipher your dog's every woof and whimper? Now, I love dogs (and I mean, that crazy, icky kind of love that makes people roll their eyes) but I'm not sure science has got its priorities straight. Why are lab-coated technicians feverishly working on decoding Fido's every utterance when millions of men walk the Earth making no sense whatsoever? If we can send a man to the moon, why can't there be a "Things That Guys Say" translation doohickey to help us uncover what they're really saying when they talk (when they do talk, every now and then)? Not one to sit around complaining, I have taken their bulls**t by the horns and come up with my own Guy Talk Translator. It may not be scientifically sound, but I can tell you it is based on many, MANY years of research. It's still in the R & D phase, but I'll share with you.
He Says: It's not you, it's me.
Translation: It's you. Boy is it ever YOU.
He Says: I'm too immature for you.
Translation: Hey Mrs. Robinson, were you fooled by the Trojan Horse?
He Says: I'm too old for you.
Translation: I've found someone else even younger.
He Says: Is Mary coming?
Translation: I fantasize about having sex with all your friends, but most especially Mary.
He Says: I'll be back in ten minutes.
Translation: I'll be back sometime in the next three hours.
He Says: Why do you always assume I did it?
Translation: I am feigning indignance until I can come up with an alibi.
He Says: You look pretty.
Translation: Let's have sex.
He Says: That's a nice dress.
Translation: Let's have sex.
He Says: You smell nice.
Translation: Let's have sex.
He says: What's wrong?
Translation: What ridiculous self-inflicted misery has you not smiling at me? Please give me a two-word answer that does not involve me in any way.
Ultimately, you don't really need a dudeslation device. The great thing about guys (well, one of the great things) is that their actions speak volumes. A guy can merely tell you that you mean more to him than anything, but when he misses the big game to go to your niece's school play with you, that says it.
By Dixie Feldman
Have you seen those dog translation devices -- the ones that purport to decipher your dog's every woof and whimper? Now, I love dogs (and I mean, that crazy, icky kind of love that makes people roll their eyes) but I'm not sure science has got its priorities straight. Why are lab-coated technicians feverishly working on decoding Fido's every utterance when millions of men walk the Earth making no sense whatsoever? If we can send a man to the moon, why can't there be a "Things That Guys Say" translation doohickey to help us uncover what they're really saying when they talk (when they do talk, every now and then)? Not one to sit around complaining, I have taken their bulls**t by the horns and come up with my own Guy Talk Translator. It may not be scientifically sound, but I can tell you it is based on many, MANY years of research. It's still in the R & D phase, but I'll share with you.
He Says: It's not you, it's me.
Translation: It's you. Boy is it ever YOU.
He Says: I'm too immature for you.
Translation: Hey Mrs. Robinson, were you fooled by the Trojan Horse?
He Says: I'm too old for you.
Translation: I've found someone else even younger.
He Says: Is Mary coming?
Translation: I fantasize about having sex with all your friends, but most especially Mary.
He Says: I'll be back in ten minutes.
Translation: I'll be back sometime in the next three hours.
He Says: Why do you always assume I did it?
Translation: I am feigning indignance until I can come up with an alibi.
He Says: You look pretty.
Translation: Let's have sex.
He Says: That's a nice dress.
Translation: Let's have sex.
He Says: You smell nice.
Translation: Let's have sex.
He says: What's wrong?
Translation: What ridiculous self-inflicted misery has you not smiling at me? Please give me a two-word answer that does not involve me in any way.
Ultimately, you don't really need a dudeslation device. The great thing about guys (well, one of the great things) is that their actions speak volumes. A guy can merely tell you that you mean more to him than anything, but when he misses the big game to go to your niece's school play with you, that says it.
WE: Women's Entertainment and the logo are service marks of WE: Women's Entertainment LLC
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
Copyright 2009 WE: Women's Entertainment LLC. All rights reserved.
Great blogs, Dixie - you're style is very fun and fresh. Looking forward to your other postings!!
btw - does a "man-to-English dictionary" really exist??? If not, you should turn this blog into a book! :)
i love this blog. very clever stuff.
r & d, heh
this blog is great.
has anyone ever told you that you look like lucille ball?
You've got that right - very funny!
Yo -- men really ARE from Mars and women really ARE from Venus and rarely the twain shall meet (conversationally speaking -- speaking, get it?). Suffice it to say that as long as no one's come to blows or broken down in tears, that's every indication that your current man/woman conversation is going great! :-D
Oh, that Mary! She's always eliciting sexual fantasies.
This is excellent -- I hope you're going to update with new translations regularly!
Oh honey - you are such a juicy blogger. What fun it is to read your wit and wisdom. Can't wait to read more of your pearls....
May D. Cember
http://maydecembersecrets.com