Feeling Human in Your Own Skin

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By Jim Howley
My name is Jim Howley. I was born July 8, 1975 and just turned 33 years old. I am currently residing in Los Angeles, Calif. where I am pursuing a career as a writer and fighter for social change. I am working two day jobs at non-kill cat rescues and mentoring LGBT youth for a Los Angeles-based organization called Lifeworks. The rest of my family lives back in Ohio where I am originally from...

I moved to L.A. in March of this year after being a contestant on Logo's reality dating show called, "Transamerican Love Story." I was the only female-to-male (FTM) in the cast of eight men vying for the affections of Ms. Calpernia Addams. I am also the first FTM in reality television history.

I decided to have all of my internal reproductive organs removed in 2006 because I read that after five years of being on hormone therapy, I was at a higher risk for cancer. The surgery, through Dr. Marci Bowers, cost me roughly $10,000 and was not covered by insurance. I had a generous cousin who helped me out. Yet, not so many of us are as lucky.

My life before surgery was a bit of a rollercoaster as I had both testosterone (via injections twice per month) and estrogen (naturally produced) coursing through my veins.

So I chose Trinidad, Colo. and Dr. Bowers because I had read that she was reasonably priced, a good surgeon, and a transperson herself. It was Dr. Bowers that suggested to the documentary's production company that I was a potential participant on the project of Sex Change Hospital. I traveled by plane from Ohio to Colorado with my favorite woman in the world, my mother Diane.

Trinidad is a quaint town that reminds me a lot of the town I grew up in called Plain City, Ohio. The hospital was clean and orderly and I found the staff to be friendly and professional.

I had no complications from my surgery and my recovery time was less than a month. This particular surgery was worth it to me because now I only have one hormone, testosterone, in my system. I am also no longer at risk for certain forms of cancer.

I suppose it is "easier" to be transgendered in today's society versus when Christine Jorgensen revealed to the world her transitioning status back in the 1950s. Regardless of the changing times, each individual journey that a transitioning person takes to feel whole has never been and will never be "easy." Uneducated factions of society that claim to be "sick of people saying they want to be the other gender" have NO idea the flaming hoops transitioning entails.

Transpeople who opt to go through the entire process must legally change their name and ANYTHING that bears their name; they must save up money for hormones and countless surgeries. Aside from the financial burden, there is the mental and emotional turmoil of life both before transition, and life after, in dealing with family/friends/society that may not understand or accept. To quote Melissa Etheridge, "I sold my soul for freedom, it's lonely but it's sweet."

On top of the personal issues involved in one's transition, a sometimes unforgiving society must be contended with. There are no laws on the national books that protect any rights for transpeople from civil to occupational. We are treated like 2nd and 3rd class citizens in OUR OWN COUNTRY! It's easy for someone who is afforded their rights to sit back and criticize or judge us. I would say to them try trading lives with us for about a month and see if you feel any differently.

Since that is not possible, my fervent hope is after watching this documentary you will walk away with a more compassionate, human sense of what transitioning people must go through just to feel human in their own skin.

Comments

I almost fell out of my chair when I read this blog. My name is Aren (born Erin) and I am a 23 year old transgendered female. I live every day physically appearing as a typical male. Surgically I have not had anything altered on my body, but 90% of the people I meet or even just become mildly aquianted with perceive me as a man... which is exactly how I feel on the inside. You're blog really touched home for me. While I have not even begun to take the steps to achieve my FTM life changing goal, I understand you completely.
My girlfriend actually went with her cosmetology class to see Montel in NYC. They didn't know what topics would be discussed. Ironically enough the topic was "transgendered people". Only a select few friends she went to school with knew I was a female, so when they started the show and announced the topic those who knew just looked at her, like "holy crap!!"
Eventhough she knows me and understands my place sexually, this really enlightened her. To hear several people that I've never met saying the exact same things that I have said finally made it real for her.
The bus ride home was probably where it hit her the most. Some loud-mouth freshman was obnoxiously broadcasting her opinion on the subject, stating how she doesn't think it's real, and that these people are sick in the head...or doing it for attention. I've never heard my girlfriend so upset. Or seen someone so shocked when a few weeks later I visited my girlfriend at lunch and proudly announced to that girl that I was, in fact, a transgendered female.
People don't understand, and most probably never will. They don't take the time to put themselves in our shoes...to get a period once a month when inside you feel like a man. Or to wake up and shave your face in the morning, put on a suit and tie, and wear two sports bra's and a torso wrap to cover the breasts that god has so graciously given you...in hopes that the world will see you on the outside how you see yourself on the inside.
I'm sorry to bore you with what seems like my life story, but I'd really appreciate if you could contact me and maybe I could ask you a few questions? I'd love to start my journey towards my new life, but I really don't know where to start. My email is chasing_nicki8@yahoo.com. If I don't hear from you I won't take it personal, but if I do I would really appreciate it!!
Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you!

By chasing_nicki8 on October 6, 2008 12:37 AM

your the worst kind of person out there. you say that your not happy with the way you use to look you made youre self unhappy not your physical everyone made that to be different not to be a someome ther not. think of other and not your self because we can end hunger and pay off bill but after you died who is going to be looking at you and jugde after your died.........no one " i was born in the worng body" that crap alway saying after this world has ended who going to belooking back and say that that his was alway the best choice to change your identity
*you not a male any way you change yoou name is still in girl form stop running from your passed

By smithcs on October 13, 2008 11:14 PM

just had a quick question for ya there jim. what was the name of the doctor who did your chest surgery? all i remember from the show was she was a doctor from columbus, ohio i presume. because when you lifted up your shirt in the show your chest looked really good and really flat. am considering going your route. you can email me at eom2003@sbcglobal.net thank you, you are very brave. god bless

By eom2003 on October 21, 2008 11:57 PM

i was so shock by your story i just had to write you. i cant believe you had to go threw so much, and you made it. you are a one of a kind person and beauitful also. i am glad you are happy now and have a supporting mom. i am a young mom of three and i have 2 boys, 1 girl and if anything were to happen like this or anything i will be by there side no matter what! you have a beauitful mom. us moms are very hard to find. god has a reason for why you are here and i think it to tell people about your story and say its ok. you have a big heart and do give up, theres people out there on your side, and i am one of them. if you ever need to talk or anything please email me at treefairy71@gmail.com. i am willing to talk with you more if you like. your one of a kind and you need to be proud of that cause i am. always remember you a wonderful person inside and out. please fell free to email me if you like. i would even like to go out and show you around. have faith and my god bless you. p.s. your a very handsome man.

By tiwss71 on October 22, 2008 9:38 AM

Hi Jim,

I have been a admirer of yours since I first saw you on TransAmerican in Love. Sorry you did not win.

Glad to hear you got your Surgery and hope all is well. I was happy to watch the show with you on it.

I also like what you wrote. We all have battled this fight to be who we are. I am 42 and have been transitioning for over 5 years and I am still struggling with this issue every day. It has gotten to the point I do not want to leave the house any more. yet you put your self out there on TV twice. I give you a lot of kudos.

Good luck to you Jim, your a great looking guy.

From a fan, Peace April R.

By msapril on November 16, 2008 4:42 PM

Hi first I have say LOL I am older by one day (July 7, 1975). Although, I may never know what is was like growing up in the wrong body, your story has helped me understand that people no matter who they deserve to be happy. You a true image of a hero and role model for kids who may have the same feeling but unable to get the help they need. I not really sure what else to say but WAY TO GO!! Please know that not all people who have not experienced your ordeal before your surgery are against it. I say be who you are even if others don't understand!!!

By eryin24 on November 18, 2008 11:35 PM

Hi Jim. I am a 14 year old girl who right now I am dressing like a guy and binding. I have hated being a girl and like you I have
tried suicide several times. I look up to you and I am wanting to transition after college. High school is hard being this way.

E-Mail me at reba.duke@yahoo.com

I am going by Josh

By Joshua D. on December 3, 2008 11:24 AM

HI Jim. I saw you on Sex Change Hospital and your story just really moved me. I am also from Ohio and did actually move to Plain City when I was a teenager with my parents. I am a good ten younger than you, so we propably never met, but I just wanted to say that you are such a strong person to of been able to live through such a transition after living in such a small town like Plain City. I also live in Hilliard now and can see how the people here could be very hard to deal with. I don't mean to ramble, I just wanted to say that you are a beautiful person and your story really made me understand one of my best friends from school a little better, even though she was a MTF transgendered person. I always loved her for who she was inside but now feel that I understand what she feels inside a little better.So thank you for sharing your story and I hope you help alot of people for a really long time.
-Joanie
P.S. You are a very hansom man.

By loshbjo on December 3, 2008 4:10 PM

hi jim its josh

i probly wont be on myspace 4 a while

By Rebecca D. on December 9, 2008 1:53 PM

before i had signed into my old account by accident

-josh

By Joshua D. on December 9, 2008 1:57 PM

Jim,

I was so excited to see a transman on this show. I have decided to transition much to the horror of my family.I have struggled with my gender identity since 2 years old and got slaped when I told my mother I wasn't a girl but a boy. We're mormon and that is so tabboo.

Watching your story was a nice reminder that I'm not alone even though that is what my mother tells me everyday. I always thought I was because I live in Alaska, and it is a very small and conservative place.

Thank you for sharing your story. It has reached many and given us hope. We're proud of you.

Ash

By ashman on December 13, 2008 11:10 PM

hey, i'm from ohio, dayton area. you said you went to TC for your surgery and that your surgeon was resonably priced? why not go to the doc in cleveland? and how much was your top surgery worth? email me at tasman69@hotmail.com thanks!

By tasman on December 31, 2008 6:56 PM

Jim, in your blog you state "now I only have one hormone, testosterone, in my system"

Unfortunately, that's not true. Our bodies are extremely complex chemistry laboratories and hormone production is not as simple as one type for each sex. Men naturally produce estrogens and, in fact, require a number of estrogen derivatives for a healthy body. Don't worry. You're still producing it, like a menopausal woman would. And you'll produce more if your body takes in too much testosterone! In fact, you have always had testosterone in your system.

Don't worry about it, but don't be complacent either. Keep up with hormonal panels and pay attention to your body, especially your calcium and cholesterol levels.

To give you an idea of the complexity of this subject, read
"Local estrogen biosynthesis in males
and females" at
http://erc.endocrinology-journals.org/cgi/reprint/6/2/131.pdf

This sentence is part of the discussion in the article: A "new understanding of the role of estrogens in the male blurs our definition of male versus female hormones, since, at least at the local level, both androgens and estrogens have important roles to play in both sexes." Yes, Jim, it turns out testosterone was the culprit behind your old monthly periods and estrogens help determine men's sperm counts. Ironic, huh? These are endocrinologists admitting that their understanding of hormones is "blurred", particularly when significant new research opens up even more questions. And I'm no endocrinologist, but a mere chem major. I'm always in awe that our own bodies don't require advanced degrees to know how to function properly.

The point I want to make is: Hormones are not just about secondary sex characteristics, but also about brain tissue, smooth muscle tissue, the development and break down of bone, cholesterol, and myriad other nonsexual topics, the very things that will bring you down in the end if you are not aware and awake with regard to your hormone levels.

Nice to be a guy, but better to be a healthy human being first!! Keep your priorities in order!!

Good luck to you!!

By kenosha1946 on February 22, 2009 1:22 AM